My MIL is unhappy in assisted living and my husband wants to move her in with her to help! What do I do?

I want to thank the people that responded to my post. It was comforting to know I am not a selfish individual! He has not thought these things through! I think I will guide us to counseling for dementia/ cognitive decline. My mother is also in assisted living and is just accepting the fact that she needs to be there. Having both moms in cognitive decline is basically mind blowing and extremely exhausting. My husband just retired and I’m working full time. It’s beginning to take a toll on me physically and mentally so I am going to seek counseling before things blow up! Thanks again everyone ❤️

Sit him down and ask him to think -- really think -- about how he'll feel about wiping #2 off his own mother's backside, because it has to be done EVERY DAY at least, and usually multiple times until you get it clean.
He'll also likely be wiping it off toilets, furniture, bedding, and anywhere else her bum lands.

Next, remind him that he'll be diapering a full-sized adult at least every two hours around the clock, and ask how he'll like carrying loaded diapers out to the trash.

Tell him that hiring a wiper won't work, because that's what he's already paying for and not using that service, so obviously he doesn't want to do that.

Next ask him how he feels about seeing his mother stark naked, because he'll need to bathe her, too. Explain about cleaning under fat folds (if applicable), saggy breasts, and of course the need to thoroughly wash the lady bits.

I think appealing to a man's sense of mortification might just be the ticket.

He can do whatever he wants. He's an adult, I assume.

I would think that 4-5 days in and he'll be racing back home.

However, if he moves her out of her AL and finds he cannot handle the work of caring for her (and he will) you'd be starting all over again with finding an AL for her.

Your DH is spending too much time with mom. It's not healthy for him or your marriage. She probably hasn't acclimated to the AL yet and if he is there everyday, taking care of her, why would she make any effort to adapt?

He also needs to block her calls and take only one per day.

Or he can ruin his marriage and his life by giving it all away for his mother.

What do YOU do?

State your feelings and then give him emotional support, but let him know that he has to choose between a marriage and mom. Sadly, this very dynamic has taken many a marriage down with it.

It's not like your MIL is living alone and without help, she has a situation where she has 24/7 help, if needed, and she's using your DH as an 'extra' where she should be availing herself of all the people she's PAYING for AL help.

Has she been dxed with dementia or some kind of cognitive decline? Or is this just the dynamic that she and DH have always had? Sometimes, it's hard to know.

I do feel your pain. I have nothing to do with my MIL and my DH reminds me over and over how awful I am to have stepped away from any kind of caregiving for her. However, he does so little it barely registers, so, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Good Luck. I hope he sees a way to be a loving son, but a better husband.

Move into AL with her (won't that cost YOU a lot?) or move her back to her home that she hasn't sold yet? If she still has her home, I would tell him to take her back home for a couple weeks (do not move out of AL, just visit the old home) and stay with her 24/7. My guess is he won't last a full week with her.

I am with Alva, let him take her to her home and let him care for her.

Before he does this make him aware that he will not be bringing her to your home after he finds out that he cannot care for Mom. You will not be caring for her in any way. Tell him by caring for her he will need to bathe her and clean her up after going to the bathroom. He cannot expect you to do it. Remind him of the reason she was placed in an AL in the first place. He will find out you are right , he cannot care for her, but he has to see he can't. So, let him do what he wants. Just make sure he understands he still supports you. That his Mom is going to need to pay her own way because he has a wife.

Your profile says ur MIL has a Dementia. This is probably the cause of her neediness and other things. Some of the things u can do if she stays in the AL. Get rid of her phone. She can't call if she does not have it. If your husband cannot do that then u ignore her calls. You shut your phone off at night. Easy if its a cell, u put it on Do Not Disturb. She needs to depend on staff for her needs. Your husband does her no good being at her beck and call.

As an Italian-American, I have seen a lot of Momma's boys in my days... but your man takes the cake.

The only place he should be going is to marriage counseling with you. He has a very dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her, and he seems to know nothing about dementia (she's not crazy, her brain is broken by the disease). Please tell him he needs to choose you or her as the priority. He doesn't need to abandon his Mother, he just needs healthy boundaries and a therapist can help with this.

Yes, let him go. Do not enable this by helping; in fact, get an activity or a job or a volunteer thing where YOU have to show up for THEM and after that you are tired and in need of rest. He is going to have to try this, apparently to bring his mind to rest. It is clear that this is very very poor decision making, and I am not clear if that is the norm for hubby or not, but fighting him will make him more adamant and confused. Tell him that you understand he must try this for his own peace of mind, that you will not participate in it, and that you are willing to have marriage counseling help or suggest HE get help. There is little you can do here.

Imho, you cannot stop him from this move, but you choose how to react. If you cannot live with his choice tell him so, then don't go backwards. Me, I would let him live with his choice without any support whatsoever. I understand his feelings of wanting to fix this situation but his mom can't be fixed. The only real solution is for him to change his reaction to her neediness. Placing her in AL was a great first step...let him know that! Blocking her phone is a good next step/take one call a day only. The next step is limiting visits to maybe once or twice a week. His reaction should be focused on NEXT STEPS not going backwards and wallowing with his mother. I wishe you clarity in seeing how you want to react to this.

Whats the point of her being in AL if she's hounding her son to death asking to get her every need met, paying for help she's not using? Does your husband not understand what the purpose of AL is??

If he's that interested in seeing to his mother's every wish by moving in with her and out of his own home, I'd say he's in need of some serious therapy. He's putting her needs and desires above his wife's and that's not a sign of a healthy marriage or a healthy mind. Let him move in with his mother and give him a timeline to make up his mind. Say one month. After 30 days of indentured servitude to his mother, he can decide if he's moving in with her permanently or if you're filing for divorce. It's funny to think that all the services and caregivers in AL weren't good enough for the Queen Mother, yet one sonny boy waiting on her at home WILL be? 😂🤣

Best of luck. I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a terrible position.

Huge mistake. He needs to be at least a little less available. When she needs something, he needs to tell her to call for a nurse if she truly is in need of help. At my mom's AL they have necklaces and pull strings in their apartments. If she's not disabled, he needs to nicely tell her to get up and get a blanket if she's cold. She needs to be more independent first of all. AL does not have staff to do silly things like this day in and day out. She needs to get out of her room and do stuff with the other residents. That's how she's going to get involved in her new world. Hubby should not go there to do a bunch of things for her but to visit when HE wants to visit. It's a rough adjustment but he has to let her learn to rely on the staff. He might want to talk to the staff and tell what's going on and what they can do and what they suggest for him.

And as far as for you, you should not offer much support for this crazy situation. Sure moral support for your husband and maybe go with him once or twice a month. Ask him to take you out to dinner instead of running to wipe his mommy's nose!

Best of luck.