Bringing mom back home after more than a year in SNF. Any advice?

In addition to all the other comments, let’s not forget that when a woman is involved in caregiving, she’s going to be doing most of it. Forget hubby and brother. Would they be around to handle poop blowouts? Is it even proper for two men to be cleaning their mom’s intimate areas? As a daughter in law, do you want to do that? Who disposes of dirty adult diapers at your house? Who orders them? Do you know how many you’ll need per week? Ever heard of a Hoyer lift? Where will you put it? Will you all learn to operate it? How many PT people will be in and out of your house per week? When will you go to the store? Better learn how to order almost everything online and have it delivered, because she can’t be left alone. What meds does she take? Who will manage them? Will her docs come to the house? If not, how will you transport a bedbound patient? Does someone need to sleep next to her at night? How will that person get enough rest to go about daily tasks the next day? Are there children in the home? What resources do you have to help them cope with a sick bedbound person in the home? The smells, the noises, the disruptions of schedule? Do you have hobbies or a job? If so, let me tell you what the social worker said to me. “You can forget about that. You’re a caregiver now.”

There’s no encouragement from me. What you are planning to do is exhausting, miserable, possibly unsafe for her, and could tear your family apart. No one is prepared for this, ever.

Please sell her house and leave her in SNF. That’s where someone who has her issues should be.

Read posts on here from people who have done this. It’s not pretty.

REALLY??? What in the world are you thinking??? And all this because you don't want to sell her home for her care? Again, REALLY? It's her house and the funds from it should be used for her care.
You have no clue what you're getting yourself into. She's now completely bedridden and will need to have her diapers changed every 2 hours, turned in the bed and bathed in the bed as well.
Are you prepared to physically do all that? It's a 24/7 job and it's exhausting. I know. I cared for my completely bedridden husband for the last 22 months of his life in our home. And that was with an aide coming in the mornings to put him on the bedside commode so he could poop, and hospice aides coming twice a week to bathe him.
And still I was exhausted and never slept well, always having to have an ear open to hear my husband if he needed me. It definitely took its toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally and even spiritually.
I'm afraid you're in for a rude awakening and will live to regret your decision to bring her into your home, so my only advice to you would be to leave her where she's at where she's receiving the 24/7 care she requires, and sell her home.

Leave her right where she is, sell her house, and allow mom to use her own money to finance her care in the correct environment. What do you know about how to care for a bedridden elder? What qualifies you to do so? What will you do when she develops bedsores from not being turned every 2 hours?

I suggest you go down to the SNF and ask if you can care for mom all by yourself for a few days. Changing her briefs in bed, dressing her, feeding her, meds, turning her, bed baths, all of it. But you will also be COOKING the food you're serving her and then cleaning up the kitchen afterward, once at home. You'll do her laundry and change her bed linens each time they're soaked or soiled, too. See what it feels like to do that for a few days in a facility that is fully equipped with all the supplies and food you will need. Then imagine doing it for her at home 24/7/365 with only the supplies and food you go out to buy and drag back home.

You're in over your head, to put it mildly. Remember why you placed her in the SNF the first time, then multiply those reasons by 10, and you'll have the reason why mom needs to stay put now. Take money out of the equation too. Why do her funds have to "stretch"? If they run out after you sell her home, apply for Medicaid. Unless you are living in her home and that's why you are wanting to "keep from selling her home".....which is a horse of another color.

Sell her home.

It’s her asset. HER money. For HER care.

You’ll regret bringing her home. She needs THREE shifts of people to take care of her. The countless people here who have attempted the same, will attest to that.

I would use her funds for her care. Her house need not be sold to qualify for medicaid, but of course there will be clawback for what the government paid for her care when the home is sold after her death.
The monies your Mom has now are hers. She should have good placement for her care and be able to use those funds. I wish you luck in finding her the best care you can for the assets she has worked her life for.

Have you even considered Medicaid. The house is an exempt asset while Mom is alive. When she passes, then its an asset that Medicaid can recover from. A lien will be put on the house by Medicaid. Then you sell the house, the lien is satisfied, and the balance of the proceeds go to the beneficiaries. As the woman you will be doing the grunt work.

"Praying for wisdom as we make our decisions." Count us as giving you that wisdom. Not one person has said "yeah go ahead and do it".

This reminds me of a story about a man and a flood. He ended up on a top of a roof. A boat came by and he refused it saying God would save him. Then motor boat then a helecopter and he repeated the same thing "God will save me". Finally the guy drowned, went to heaven and asked God "why did you not save me" and God said " “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

You have more than 3 people telling u this will not work.

 "It was hard work then, so I am anticipating more work for us now that she is not." And who was it hard work for, I bet you. I have a feeling your not completely on board for this. If you are not going to get any help and I mean like at least an 8 hr shift, I would not even contemplate it just to save a house. My Mom did not have much but every sent she had went to her care. Her house did not sell until after her passing, the tax liens and Medicaid liens were satisfied as were my out of pocket. We kids got 10k to split between us. We could have cared less if we had gotten anything.
God was with me all the way because everything just fell into place.

Why do you feel the need to keep moms house rather than sell it? Since moms care has increased significantly I also think you are making a mistake trying to bring her home.

Do. Not. Bring. Her. Home. You are not seeing how rough this will be.

There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:

-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but  almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone. 

-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?

-Are you able to help with bathing daily?

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?

- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?

- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her back into a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

Caring, in going thru your old posts couple of things stuck out, your mom is on the younger side, like 79/80, so could mean another decade! or more of care & mom can be quite obstinate, like refusing to bathe (the “freshen up” dramas) & on taking meds. If she is this way around SNF staff who are pretty well versed in dealing with this, family is no match for her. Saying NO is one of the few powers a bedfast person has. She knows it and will use it. This won’t be pretty. The other was you are so gracious in thanking folks for answering. Kudos to you, you’re a sweetheart!

what everyone has posted on why you & your fam should not be doing this is spot on accurate. I’d like to add couple of suggestions: that you look at NH contract to see what the required in writing exit Notice is (could be 60 days on private pay) and get an assessment done ASAP as to what her needs are & do assessment BEFORE a decision is made as to have her leave the SNF to return to her home AND have the assessment in hand to discuss with family as to division of labor and changes needed in her home to provide for the safety / security of 79 yr old mom in her home.

SW at her SNF should be able to get a referral for outside assessment team for mom. Team tends to be a geriatric RN and a SW, they do a report and that with her care plan from moms last care plan meeting at the NH can be combined to be used to determine what needs to be in place at moms home before she moves back. Really you do not want workers there installing wheelchairs ramps the week she moves in, do this ahead of the move. Look in detail at the medication management schedule….. so if meds done X 4 a day, then someone needs to be in the home for that. If a Hoyer lift needs to be ordered, or a pneumatic bed & mattress brought in, toilet/ shower grab bars installed, etc all that done IN ADVANCE and mom pays for this from her own $ as it is her home. Her home needs to be made walker / wheelchair accessible so rugs removed, ramps installed front & back doors, doors removed, grab bar's as needed. Lavabos lowered for wheelchair height, yada yada. Y’all have an accessible roll in shower for her? You already know she already has issues with showers so just WTF is going to be done on her showering / bathing?

So moms home has been empty & vacant since Spring 2021, when she had a stroke? Is that correct? If moms home does not have phone line, WiFi, streaming, realistically, that needs to get put in. All the utilities need to get checked out ahead of time.
Now if someone has been living in her home, what is their situation once mom moves back? If someone was living there & not paying rent, expect that to be a point of contention within family meeting.

If moving her back is about not ever having her file for Medicaid, imho, I think that will be hard to do, because mom is so young. At 79, she could be with us another decade. A long time to be providing caregiving for free. Even if hiring in-home health, that a huge amount of $$$$. Unless she has M+$, she will run out of $. Then Hello Medicaid!

At some point in time, family will reach breaking point along w/no more $ so LTC or community based Medicaid will get filed for. Unless y’all can show exemptions or exclusions to Medicaids estate recovery or other legal (Lady Bird Deed, Trusts) & have the $ to support property costs on moms home till that is resolved (2 -4 yrs post death); Medicaid can attempt to place a lien or claim against the property.

I’ve been on this forum a long time, what seems to happen is family all cooperative for 6-10 months then it stops…. Nephew cuts 1/2 yard & leaves, Sissy forgets to pay prop taxes & Sil cannot do caregiving shift next mo… and all falls to you, the POA & good daughter. You know your family best & what is likely to happen. Good luck.