My mother has favoured my brother all her life. He’s financially abused her in the past, but has done it again. She can’t and won’t see it. What should I do?
I'm sorry, however, it is her money to do with what she wants. You need to be sure that her gifts don't impact you.
My mother favored my brother his entire life. She gave him money for a new car, paid for his car maintenance, paid for gas, paid for insurance, significant investor in real estate where she put in the down payment and loan costs, he collected the rent, she paid for nearly all the expenses. In return, he took her phone calls and provided her guidance and peace of mind.
My thought is that she could do whatever she wanted with her money as she earned it. I concentrated on growing my own wealth.
My sister complained about every expense my Mom paid for my brother, however, all it would do is for them to keep it a secret. The more my sister complained, the more expenses that my mother would pick up. How did I know all this? My sister would complain to me how unfair it was and my brother would casually(?) mention that Mom gave him money. It was a game to him.
Unless your Mom's gifts to your brother money is impacting her ability to pay for her own upkeep, I suggest you just stay out of it. You are likely not going to change your Mom and your brother will look it as a game.
If it is impacting your Mom's ability to live, don't compensate for it by providing those items, especially money. Let her feel the impact of her generosity. When she asks you for money, tell her to go see your brother. Don't make loans with her either. There is no guarantee she will be able to hold up her side of the finances. Basically, don't be an enabler to her financial irresponsibility.
If she is at the stage where she might need to apply for Medicaid because her finances are too slim, let her apply for Medicaid. Don't let her guilt you into providing finances so that her lifestyle is higher than what she can afford. Also, don't take her money unless you really need it.
Your profile simply says that you are caring for your Mom, however, there are many levels of care. Try to keep separate, the finances of your Mom versus yours. It could be that the reason why your Mom is giving your brother so much money is because she thinks she has a lot more money than she really has. If that is the case, you need to put some distance between her finances and your finances, even if it isn't financially wise for her.
I know it is unfair, however, you should concentrate on growing your own financial estate. On the long run, you will come out ahead and you will have learnt fiscal responsibility.
BTW..because my Mom provided money whenever my brother asked, he never achieved even close to his true potential. When you talked to him, he only did the minimal needed to get by. He scored high on the IQ charts and made close to the federal poverty level. He was a great conversationalist. How about if you get your brother to help care for your Mom?
I am deeply indebted to him to fielding all those annoying phone calls and taking care of my Mom, while I was busy creating wealth.
I wonder if ‘accept the situation’ is good advice. Perhaps OP really has ‘accepted the situation’ in the past. If OP asks for the same amount of money or gifts as are given to greedy brother, it might make it clearer to M. ‘You shouldn’t’ probably makes less impact than ‘I want equal treatment’.
My mom has also favored a brother over me and another brother. As Daughter said, we just accept it, though there is no abuse going on. Our mom helps out our brother as he in financial need and we view that as unfair but she can do what she wants.
That said, you say in your case there is financial abuse going on. Depending on what that actual is, I think something could and should be done about it
You don’t pose a specific question, but I really see an answer in what you wrote. Mom has chosen this behavior toward your brother for years and refuses to acknowledge or change it. That leaves you with little choice but to accept the situation. You don’t say mom has dementia, only anxiety, so in a sound mind she’s free to make her own decisions, even bad ones. Move on from trying to fix what can’t be fixed. I’m sorry, I know it’s hurtful
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My mother favored my brother his entire life. She gave him money for a new car, paid for his car maintenance, paid for gas, paid for insurance, significant investor in real estate where she put in the down payment and loan costs, he collected the rent, she paid for nearly all the expenses. In return, he took her phone calls and provided her guidance and peace of mind.
My thought is that she could do whatever she wanted with her money as she earned it. I concentrated on growing my own wealth.
My sister complained about every expense my Mom paid for my brother, however, all it would do is for them to keep it a secret. The more my sister complained, the more expenses that my mother would pick up. How did I know all this? My sister would complain to me how unfair it was and my brother would casually(?) mention that Mom gave him money. It was a game to him.
Unless your Mom's gifts to your brother money is impacting her ability to pay for her own upkeep, I suggest you just stay out of it. You are likely not going to change your Mom and your brother will look it as a game.
If it is impacting your Mom's ability to live, don't compensate for it by providing those items, especially money. Let her feel the impact of her generosity. When she asks you for money, tell her to go see your brother. Don't make loans with her either. There is no guarantee she will be able to hold up her side of the finances. Basically, don't be an enabler to her financial irresponsibility.
If she is at the stage where she might need to apply for Medicaid because her finances are too slim, let her apply for Medicaid. Don't let her guilt you into providing finances so that her lifestyle is higher than what she can afford. Also, don't take her money unless you really need it.
Your profile simply says that you are caring for your Mom, however, there are many levels of care. Try to keep separate, the finances of your Mom versus yours. It could be that the reason why your Mom is giving your brother so much money is because she thinks she has a lot more money than she really has. If that is the case, you need to put some distance between her finances and your finances, even if it isn't financially wise for her.
I know it is unfair, however, you should concentrate on growing your own financial estate. On the long run, you will come out ahead and you will have learnt fiscal responsibility.
BTW..because my Mom provided money whenever my brother asked, he never achieved even close to his true potential. When you talked to him, he only did the minimal needed to get by. He scored high on the IQ charts and made close to the federal poverty level. He was a great conversationalist. How about if you get your brother to help care for your Mom?
I am deeply indebted to him to fielding all those annoying phone calls and taking care of my Mom, while I was busy creating wealth.
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That said, you say in your case there is financial abuse going on. Depending on what that actual is, I think something could and should be done about it