Fully competent 99 yr. old dad changed will in favor of son that lives with him and cares for him for last 5 years and our siblings are angry. Any advice?

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scopuk Asked January 2023

Fully competent 99 yr. old dad changed will in favor of son that lives with him and cares for him for last 5 years and our siblings are angry. Any advice?

My father is 99 years old. He has all his mental faculties. His health is pretty good for a man of his age. General lessoning mobility, hearing loss, macular degeneration and over all "slowing down". But he feels good most days and is mentally sharp and aware. Reads the paper every day, watches the nightly news, remembers birthdays of his 6 children, etc..... My wife and I moved in to his house, which he built and loves, 5 years ago so that he can "age in place"..... Overall it has been a fairly smooth transition for us to merge from being a "helping" hand and companion ( he was so lonely) to much more hands on care in terms of meals, companionship, cleaning his space, handling all medical appointments including being a part of his actual appointments and care. His hearing loss requires him to have an extra set of ears in appointments to make sure he is hearing the doctors info. correctly and therefore respond accordingly. There has been considerable adjustment, ups and downs, for my wife and I. We moved in assuming we would be here about 6 months to evaluate his needs and help him navigate his next steps for living safely in his late 90's. Once here, and after lots of discussion with dad, we all decided we would stay so he could age in place. It is now 5 and a half years later. We are all still in agreement that this situation is working. We all get along well, thank goodness! At 99 yrs. old my father decided that he wanted to change his will from dividing his assets ( his house is the only asset) 6 ways among his 6 children, to selling the house to me for below market value so that we would get a gift of equity but his other children would still get something. The amount we pay for the house would be divided among the 5 other kids. Keep in mind all of the 6 kids are fully functioning and fairly well off independent people with lives and families of their own. He also changed Durable POA to me, since we have been doing all the things under its definition for the last 5 years anyway as needed ( navigating leaky roof, plumbing issues, etc....things Dad needed help navigating...he has final say in any decision about this house...since it is his!)

This issue is that 2 of the 6 children are having a fit over these changes. One, I believe just has hurt feelings that he was not consulted by dad prior to changes being made. The other was previously the POA and was and remains the executor of the will. This brother has stormed into his fathers house and demanded that his now 100 year old father change the poa back to him. Dad says, no this is how he wants it. These 2 brothers now are talking about their dad not having all his faculties and that maybe he was coerced into making the changes. This is not true. He came to me months before that changes were made and started to convo. I was hesitant but he was insistent so I did what we always do for dad and we helped him do the thing he can't do on his own with limited vision and hearing issues. I found an elder care atty and got him an appointment for a consult and then he took it from there deciding to draw up a new will. The atty and a witness spent time with him alone, in person at the appt., to evaluate his state of mind. Given his age and hearing issues it takes a little extra patience and time to have a comprehensive conversation. They all came out half hour later smiling and chatting:) None of the siblings spend enough time with dad to really have a good sense of any of his abilities or lack there of. 4 Live a plane ride away and phone conversations are tough due to the hearing loss. They all do the best they can, but it is tough.

How have others navigated a situation like this? The thought of losing a good relationship with ANY of my siblings is upsetting. But I also have hurt feelings that they think I would in any way take advantage of my dad. I have a good job and do not NEED any of his assets. We just don't want him to be lonely or uncomfortable.

Family Caregiver Relationships Siblings Will

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score 4 · Answer 1

Of course you should get a much greater share of any inheritance than your siblings do. You're the one who's been there for the last five years. You are the one who is making ANY inheritance for your siblings possible. If it wasn't for you being there, your father would likely go into assited living so he wouldn't have to be alone. AL costs A FORTUNE! I'm sure your sibling know this. If not tell them.
Or he'd get a live-in companion. That will cost also.
Your father needs to understand this as well. Your arrangement with him is more than fair.
My mother was bringing up some talk about dividing up her house into equal parts also.
I told her fine. She can pay me back the money I gave so she wouldn't lose her house. Then she can pay me for the years I have had to do for her. Then she can lose my number because our relationship will be over and she can go into a nursing home. She can't afford AL or live-in homecare.
This got her to see reason.

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score 1 · Answer 2

This better be a REALLY good attorney, because I am not certain about this advise to sell the home to you for below market. This would preclude Dad from medicaid if ever needed with the 5 year lookback due to "gifting concerns".
That Dad wants to leave everything to the family who has cared for him for five years and will see him out is a GREAT thing and I think he is wise to leave it to you. But again, I hope that this will is WELL WRITTEN and has clauses in it saying that he has purposely left nothing to his other children because he has been cared for by his current beneficiaries or whatever. This needs to be an iron clad will. Know that the siblings can and likely it sounds WILL contest any will. Your Dad was examined by an attorney; that is good. And everything is written by an attorney. I would let that attorney know about recent communications with the siblings and get his advice.
Greed is just unending, isn't it. I sure wish you the best of luck.

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The selling below market was after dad's death. If he needs care they will sell the house to finance that care. This is in the thread.

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score 2 · Answer 3

I'd keep saying the same line over and over: "This was not my decision. Dad is mentally healthy, and this was his choice. I understand you're upset and feel this isn't fair, but it's not what you think that matters. It's Dad's decision."

I commend your dad for making this offer to you and your family. You've given up a lot to be there for him, and clearly he thinks you deserve it. I agree with him. Those siblings who have no experience caring for him can stuff it. You reap what you sow.

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score 0 · Answer 4

If dad were to have a stroke or any other medical emergency and need nursing home care that needs to be paid for, somehow. If planning on Medicaid should that happen the home must be sold at market value. The difference would be considered a gift to you and subject to Medicaid penalty. So, dad should not just deed the house to you.

It is best to consult with the attorney on how to protect Dad's Medicaid benefit and still receive the house.

This is an example of why I do not like the listing of responses with the last comment first. Now that I read the responses from the OP, it sounds like he has thought this through with the help of the attorney.

Siblings, sometimes!

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score 0 · Answer 5

I am no lawyer, this is just my opinion. Your Dad can deed the house to you and he should make you POA. An elder care lawyer can guide you both on what to do to protect him should he ever need Medicaid to pay for a nursing home

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score 1 · Answer 6

Make sure you have a copy of the will in case the brother who is executor decides not to follow it.

I have a feeling there will be some hurt feelings, but it sounds like your family will shake out the kinks eventually.

Since Dad still has all his marbles, perhaps he can pen a letter to his children explaining his reasoning for the change. He's the one who can best express it, don't you think? You shouldn't be the one to defend yourself over a decision he made.

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thank you for your thoughts:) I hope you are right about working out the kinks. It's a great idea to have dad express, in his own words, why he made the changes that he did. His vision is a challenge so writing anything lengthy would be difficult , but Maybe we could have a third party person record him explaining his reasoning. We had a sit down discussion with the most disgruntled sibling and dad did explain to him why he did this but the sibling still stomped out in anger. So, you are correct about hurt feelings. It's unfortunate.

(1)

score 4 · Answer 7

I know of an instance where the dad didn't want to leave any money at all to one of his adult children because they haven't gotten along for years. However, the dad was concerned that the adult child would contest the will and make problems for all. This is in a state where a clause can be included in the will stating that if anyone contests the will, they lose what was bequeathed to them. It is a considerable estate. The estate lawyer suggested that dad leave the child enough money that the child would not want to lose the bequest already given. The child, if inclined to contest, will learn that chances are slim of winning a larger amount. Check your state and find out if this might be the best way to avoid a contest (which usually costs everyone a lot of money, and judges aren't inclined to nullify properly drawn wills anyway).

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score 3 · Answer 8

I believe your dad can gift both you and your wife equity in his house for each of the years that you've been living with him and he should ask his accountant how much he can gift. I think it's very thoughtful of your dad to be thinking like that because it demonstrates how much he appreciates being part of your lives.

As for your siblings, once your dad sells you and your wife the house, your siblings can't really contest it because it's no longer part of the estate. Your dad will have given your siblings their "inheritance" already.

The same elder attorney who drew up your POA should draw up the papers for the house and for the distribution/gift to your siblings of the amount you and your wife pay your dad. The 2023 tax-free gift limit per sibling is $17,000.

Make sure his accountant and attorney review everything!

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score 2 · Answer 9

Really? You would "miss" these siblings? I wouldn't.
But that said, your father may. You have told us all that needs to be told.
It is clear now, and you are forewarned, that the siblings will contest this will in court and will claim that your father was unduly influenced. I would, were I you, get him a neuro assessment so that you have that, keep a careful diary. They will be seeing you in court; you need to be prepared and should see the Elder Law Attorney yourself. The gifting of the home is a problem for Dad were he to need to enter care with a "lookback" of five years.
Get all your legal ducks in a row. With this crew you will need them all lined up very well. Start a diary. Keep careful records of every penny in and every penny out and be certain you understand your fidiciary duties as POA inside and out. Sure wish you luck. You will need it.

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Yep, and this is why some people dream about being an ‘only’ child, right?

(1)

score 2 · Answer 10

There's always at least one child that thinks they deserve more. I just worked out conservatively what an aide working 8 hrs a day would have cost Dad. At $15 an hour (more if hired thru an agency) 40 hrs a week =$600 x 52= $31,200 x 5 yrs = $156,000. Now if Dad needed 2 or 3 shifts of people it would be even more. Then add in any out of pocket you have. As live-ins, free rent does not offset cost of care. If Dad went into a home the cost would have been 10k a month at least. After 5 yrs thats 600k.

You should have POA, your the one living with him. Has brother even needed to use his POA? If not what does it matter. If Dad is competent than the POA was not in effect. When Dad passes, POA stops and Executor takes over.

I doubt if Dad would ever need to be in a home. But selling you the house at below Market Value would cause problems if Dad ever needed Medicaid. But I don't see that happening in this case. Also, the capital gains laws have changed. Not sure how that works for Dad if he sells the house below Market Value. Make sure Dad has all receipts for any major things he has done to the home. Helps with capital gains.

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thanks for the reply:) POA has never needed to be enacted. The house would not be sold to me at below market value until after dad passes. If dad ever does need the care of a facility the house would be sold to pay for his expenses. As it should be being that it is HIS house:) This is also part of the reason I want POA. I would need to make sure that dads needs are met using his assets.....the house. At his advanced age if the house was sold at full market value it would pay for his care for at least 3 years very easily. He is happy and comfortable in his own home but I'm not sure how he would hold up in a facility. At his age, and because it is all working out well, why rock the boat:) If he he ever needs a facility it would be due to some sort of health event/crisis which , at his age, would be dicey in and of itself. I, and a few other siblings, have also run the numbers and it would be a burden on all six kids once the money for the house would have run out,,,,,,,which it would have if it was sold 5 years ago and he was still living. It's just very frustration to have flack from siblings. We have the daily routine and care of dad ....24/7.....and they are adding this mental stress for dad and us. they come in, they blow up and cause distress and then they leave........ we, and dad, are left with the tension and stress. Guess I'm just venting more than anything....Just feel bad for dad for having to deal with this at 100 years old and frustrating to have to deal with outbursts from a 60 something sibling who has no real idea what daily life with dad is like. Not bad....just not anything like the life of coming and going and privacy that he currently has. Dad will be fine and we will be fine:) Just annoyingly unnecessary to have to deal with. All will be well.....thanks for your thoughts:)

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score 0 · Answer 11

Big red flag.

If dad's only asset is his home, and he has sold it to you for below market value, he will incur a substantial Medicaid penalty period during which he will be unable to be care for in a LTC facility paid for by Medicaid.

What is your plan for when he needs 24/7 supervision?

A better idea would have been for you to be paid for caregiving out of dad's SS payments.

I question the competence of the attorney.

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The home remains dads while he is living. It will only be sold to us at a discount from his estate once he passes. Should he ever need care beyond what his current income can provide in his home the house will be sold to pay for whatever new living situation he needs to be well cared for. Given his age and the price the house would sell for he could afford for good care from a quality care facility for a good 3 or 4 years before needing to worry about qualifying for medicaid. My fathers house is HIS long term care insurance at this point in his life. That is how I see it. It is not my , or my siblings, inheritance until dad no longer needs it. He will either continue to live in it with myself and my wife caring for him in it or it will be sold to pay for his care at whatever facility best serves his needs at that time. My wife and I are not dependent on my fathers house. If it needs to be sold to cover his needs we will see that it is liquidated very quickly to free the funds for his care. We are financially able to move out whenever is necessary. His will states that if he dies while still owning the house then he wants us to buy it at a discount as thanks and appreciation for caring for him and his home for the last 5 years and counting. We do not NEED this to happen and will be fine without any financial gain from this situation, however , we are not "wealthy" so of course it would be a welcome gift that would allow us more flexibility financially in our future. Our hope is that he passes comfortably , in his beloved home with his family around him. However, we are prepared to have to sell his beloved home quickly so that its value can pay for his care. The atty understood our situation. Our main concern was me having durable power of atty. A couple siblings, including the one that previously had POA, would do everything necessary to avoid selling the house to pay for care. This is concerning to me , especially since I live here and see this situation goes beyond any money the family will get once he passes. There is a human man, that is fully functioning and does not deserve to be put in a corner and his wishes ignored by his children just because they don't have the patience to hear him out, or agree with him about what he wants and how he would like to live during his last months or years. My father feels very safe and comfortable with my wife and I and trusts us with his care and his assets and would like us to continue being able to care for him and his home in the way that we have for the last 5 plus years. We are happy to do so. I know it is rare, but it is working out. We are very aware that this is not how things usually go when caring for an elderly parent. Of course there have been many learning curves along the way. None of us has done this before. But my father is a kind and reasonable man and very appreciative to be able to stay in the comfort of his home and be cared for by his family. Our household unit works pretty well together and we rely on very regular open communication. Not always easy, but life in general is not always easy. We are disappointed and unsettled by siblings that are rocking the boat that has taken years of work from dad and us to really settle in to. We wish they would just talk rationally about any concerns they have with dad. He is very able to have these conversations with them. They just choose to blow up and make a scene and stomp out when dad doesn't agree with them. One sibling really wants POA. we don't know why...there is not involvement with medical stuff, house stuff or financial stuff. I have asked him directly and he just gets angry that dad doesn't trust him. Which, dad has never said. It just makes sense that I have since I have been taking care of these things successfully for the last 5 years. If I am living here and doing all the caretaking I do not want another to have control over what I do or do not do. It doesn't make sense. Plus its what dadwants

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Fully competent 99 yr. old dad changed will in favor of son that lives with him and cares for him for last 5 years and our siblings are angry. Any advice?

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