The day of moving dad to memory care assisted living. Any tips?

I know this is an “answered” question now, but for those who find this later, I wanted to add a couple of things. We just moved my mom and sister into an AL facility a couple of days ago. Mom has mid-stage dementia.

One thing I did right, per suggestions on this forum, was take familiar items. I literally took her living room intact and moved it to the AL. Mom’s home was small by today’s standards, so it all fit. Mom had a wonderful eye for decorating, and loves her “treasures”. I took pictures of how things were arranged and copied those arrangements exactly. The staff there, and the moving company too, thought I was nuts moving all this. However, mom doesn’t walk well and has spent much of the last many years on the couch looking at her living room. She was immediately comfortable looking at the very same view.

My mom doesn’t really read anymore either, but used too read a lot—so I did bring her favorite books. But also brought years of old magazines she saved. I understand she leafs through them often, so I kept them in the bookcase.

I did not tend to “little things” that I wish I had. Mom has orange juice and cocoa every morning for breakfast. AL had these, of course, but they were different brands, and unfamiliar. She was upset by this change in routine. I ran out and got “her” brands for day two. I got different soap, and different toothpaste, and should not have. The tastes and smells were important in ways I didn’t anticipate.

I was was going to buy wonderful new clothes for the occasion, as hers are all very old, but I didn’t have time. I am glad I didn’t; mom is choosing her favorite outfits to meet the new friends. She feels confident in the familiar outfits. I did get rid of things with holes. I also didn’t have time to find new nightgowns—again, it is good I didn’t. The familiar feel of her very old but comfy nightgowns was a good thing. Mom’s towels are old and frayed, but I washed and used them anyway, with a new back-up set in the closet for later.

We are only on day four, but so far so good—especially since just a few months ago she was flat-out, completely refusing to consider the possibility of a move, and leaving her things behind. Visciously so. Screaming and shouting matches! Several calls to 911 and my sister threatening to leave turned the tide, and we jumped on the window.

It was very telling to me and my siblings that she said, as she sat on her sofa in the finished apartment the first day, that it was “like a years-long nightmare had finally come to an end.” I am understanding that there was SO much fear there for years now.

Very glad we made the move. But wish I’d brought orange juice and cocoa! 😊

Thank you so much for the tips, everyone. We are going to try to bring familiar objects to his apartment. He used to love to read books, but I haven't seen him pick one up in ages. I'm not sure he can even read anymore. Most of the activity that he does these days is pace back and forth inside and outside to the garage, and demand that my mother bring him and the dogs for rides in the car. I am really thinking that the memory care assisted living will be very good for him since he doesn't seem to have enough stimulation at home anyways. I know that my mom, my sister, and I are still struggling with "what to tell him"--- but i keep telling myself that no matter what we tell him, it isn't going to matter. I have to keep telling myself that he cannot comprehend that his needs are exhausting my mother to the point that she is ready to have a physical and mental breakdown and everyone will be better off if he goes to the memory care. --including him. He wouldn't understand.

GunnyBear, welcome to the forum. Moving a parent to a senior facility, we never know how our parent will react. We hope everything will work out smoothly.

For my Dad, what I did was try to set up his bedroom similar to what he had at home, arrange the furniture and lamps the same way, etc. If the bedspread that your Dad used at home fits, let Dad use it on his bed. My Dad used night lights at home, so I made sure to bring some with me for his new living quarters. That way if he awakes at night, he won't feel like he's in a strange place if he sees items from home.

If the room permits, bring along things that you know your Dad enjoys. For my own Dad it was all his books. Thank goodness his bookcases fit into his room, as those books were like a cocoon for him.

Adjustment will take time. New place will have new noises, such as the furnace may sound different. The meals will be different, hopefully he will like them. My Dad couldn't wait for breakfast, lunch, and dinner he enjoyed the meals so much as it was restaurant menu style. Facilities try to seat people who have similar interest. Dad sat at a table with a couple who were from Dad's home State and city that Dad knew, talk about small world.

Ask the facility when you should start visiting. Some suggest to wait two weeks. In the mean time, you can call him. Hopefully the facility has landline service in the room. Your Mom could later visit with your Dad as much as she wants, even have lunch or dinner with him [there is an added dinner fee].

Just a heads up: My mother, at age 82, met a man in memory care. He was 80 but his dementia was progressing more rapidly. They fell in love and had a romantic relationship for two years, in the memory facility. They slept together every night, usually in his room, sometimes in her room. They "planned" to get married and move to a nearby beach town. Their relationship started being an obstacle to the man's daughters and their planning for his care. He refused to go on any outing or activity without my mother. He fell a lot, and sometimes my mother tried to get him up, which was dangerous for both of them. His daughter hired a private-pay sitter to stay in his room all night to prevent him from falling when going to the toilet, but the sitter wanted double pay for staying in the room all night with two people with dementia instead of one, and the man refused to go to bed without my mother. Meanwhile, my mother's savings were paying for her private room, which by then wasn't really a private room anymore, because it was occupied much of the time by the man she loved, and he spent much time agitated and yelling at staff to leave him alone. Just sharing this because men are rare in memory care. If your father has some personality and ability left, he could easily begin a relationship with a woman in memory care. Cute as it seems at first, it raises a lot of care issues, and of course psychologically this would be difficult for your mother.

Tell him it's his new apartment. Beforehand, set up some familiar furniture, decorations, and family photos. Put his familiar recliner in front of the TV. That's what they say, anyway. My mother went from hospital to rehab to memory care, so she had already been out of her house for 6 weeks by the time she arrived in memory care. She wasn't happy about it, but she couldn't put together how to get out. We kept telling her it was until she gets better. Four years later, she is still aware she is in a place where she doesn't want to be, and still rational enough to tell me the other day, "Send me some money so I can get out of here!" But she can't tell time, can't understand the calendar, can't dial a phone number, can't have a coherent conversation on the phone, can't always find her way back to her room from the dining room.