Dealing w/ my lack of grief & tears during last phase of mom's imminent passing. Any advice?

You may surprise yourself at the end with a storm of tears and grief. Interestingly I heard a woman on Dr. Laura yesterday describe her mourning the death of a Mom who had been abusive all her life, and Dr. Laura posited that she was NOT mourning her mother, but mourning the fact that she never HAD a mother, and now it was certain she never would.
Our feelings are so complex at this time. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I had the two best parents in the entire history of man, I think. Yet when each died having lived a great life, and in their 90s, I felt nothing but relief. For them. For me that I didn't have to suffer and fear for them. Just a gentle piece without tears. I am certain I must have seemed to others, without feeling, and that was anything but the case.
My heart goes out to you for yourself and your Dad, and for your Mom in all truth, for she has lost so much due to her limitations.

My mom recently passed, I was fortunate to have had a wonderful relationship with her. She was very dependent on me even before the dementia took her mind. I cared for her for many years. The first month after her death I felt like I had no emotion at all. No sadness, anger…just numb. As time has gone by, the typical emotions of the grief stages have set in. But those first weeks were uncomfortable. I felt very cold and detached.

Relationships are so complex. Some of my grief stages are wrapped up in the fact that she was my responsibility for so long. My desire to be perfect in a situation where perfection was not possible. Fixing every issue…anticipating every problem only for the story to end with her passing. It is very hard not to feel like a failure since you were “fixing” so long.

Your poem is spot on. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I had very close relationships with both my parents and I didn't really cry when either of them died. Crying is not necessarily the automatic response to grief, anticipatory or otherwise.

My dad died in 2018 after a short illness of a month's duration, so there was sort of that shock factor, but I had to jump right into dealing with my mother so there was no time to really "grieve." My mother lived until mid-2021 but had had dementia for seven years, so the mother I knew was long gone before the day her body gave out.

Still, there's not a day I don't wake up thinking about them. I finally realized that what others term "grief" for me at least is just trying to process LOSS. They were here, and now they aren't. It's still hard for me to get my head around it.

Don't judge yourself or your reactions -- it really doesn't matter. You'll grieve/process loss the way you'll do it. It isn't right or wrong -- it just is.

I felt little emotion when my mother passed from advanced dementia and heart failure last February. I felt worse watching her go through the torment of dementia for years than I did when she finally passed at 95...that felt more like a relief and an end to the suffering (for both of us) than anything.

In mom's Italian family, grief was expected to be shown publicly with hysterics and displays of inconsolable wailing, which included throwing ones body onto the coffin and/or into the open grave. It was more of a show than anything else, imo. Whether we grieve quietly or loudly, or not at all, it's an individual thing and nobody's business but our own.

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us today.

Your 'poem' is lovely and very telling.

You will find that many of us didn't have 'perfect' or even 'near perfect' relationships with our parents when they were dying, and after they did.

Death does not eradicate the emotions you feel or don't feel. You can't manufacture grief or pain--it is what it is.

My mom died at the end of August. I was on OK terms with her, which was a blessing to me. I did not fall to pieces, in fact, every picture that I see of myself leaves zero impact on me. My OS and YB are the same. My very youngest sister has mourned enough for all of us.

There are days when I just feel all the feels. And I have to acknowledge them and move on.

I don't think you are a cold, heartless monster. I think you are a human being with a relationship you didn't choose to have.

You may be surprised at the grief you feel when your mom goes, but then, you may be surprised at the LACK of emotion you feel.

There's NO rules written for this. You seem to have your ducks in a row, and I think you will be just fine. Don't let others determine how you should grieve.

Very helpful that you shared this.
My Mom passed 30 days ago. My Dad in January. Much diff emotions around each of their passings. I don't feel the pressure/angst/anxiety in my chest I was feeling for a year after he passed & dealing with her daily-weekly. It just left my body?!
I have a moment here or there where I miss the sound of her voice (when she was on rare occasion, being nice)..For the most part, I feel relief. And I must acknowledge-accept that God/Universe decided her time to go.. She must be happier now than she was?! She was miserable for so many decades & this last year. So many lifelong mental issues-extreme behaviors...
It does feel weird to feel so numb with her gone.. The deep connections betw us were just not there..for so many decades.. I gave it my all.. but couldn't penetrate. Her problems were larger than life.
Godspeed to you & yours. <3

The death of a Loved One, and I am using that as a general term, is difficult no matter what the relationship is/was.
There are the "expectations" from others family members and friends. And there are your own expectations.
It is difficult for some to grasp that not everyone has a warm and fuzzy relationship with one or both parents. And when they do not see you weeping and wailing they just don't get it.
I have read many posts and have come to the conclusion that those of us that have had good relationships just might be in the minority.
I like your reminder to yourself, I will copy this and keep it near my computer.
Do take advantage of the Bereavement Support that Hospice will provide.
You are right emotions, feelings have their own cadence, rhythm and there are times when those feelings will come and smack you up side the head.
Be well, be kind to yourself mentally, emotionally.

My tiny mommy is dying now. I wish I could have some "not grief" right now. I don't have time to write about it really. She'd become a madwoman -- terminal agitation. She cried to the nurse today, "I don't want to die!" Like it's been some horrible secret she's been carrying. I'm here on vigil "alone" with her. There's no one else in the family who can/will help/be actually helpful. I will learn to be a psychopomp on my feet, my mother breathing, "baby, don't cry". She thought there were three of me. Now she again sees there is only one. One of me does not seem to be nearly enough. This had been creeping up for awhile I guess and is why I had to put her in respite last week, I hadn't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night for a week. She got home, asked for coffee, I made her lunch, cooked a chicken stir-fry for dinner from scratch, she ate everything. Then yesterday she couldn't see, and smashed her hands into her food while begging me "I'm hungry, I'm hungry" but wouldn't open her mouth. I could really use some no-grief. The only thing she's eaten is a fragment of communion wafer.

My grandmother died just short of 97. She was 92 when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. There was really no treatment and she was just given pain management. The Chemo/Radiation would have been the bigger risk. She lived on spite/bitterness and rage till the last 6 weeks of her life. Her death was no shock and there were very little tears. I think your lack of tears and grief is that you know there's nothing to do but wait for her death. My grandmother died in 2004 and I've never really had any grief about her death because she was so sick in the last year of her life that in essence the person I knew as "Granny" literally and physically didn't exist anymore. Sometimes when someone is that ill the death is called "a blessing in disguise". When my grandmother died I just called it "a blessing".

Lovely responses -- all thank you. As I wrote, I arrived yesterday noontime from EU & was w mom most of the afternoon telling her that she could let go, etc. Yesterday evening, less than an hour after I left for my safe sanity haven Airbnb (cannot stay in any residence w mom these past 15 yrs), she passed. A blessing. I came in this morning (my dad called me in the morning to allow me much-needed jet-lag rest), I put on her favorite Schubert songs and held her shoulder and rested my palm on her head until the undertakers came.

And I did cry my tears as I listened to the cadence of my feelings.