What can I do with my mom who doesn't believe she has memory problems?

Put her bills on autopay. I had one account that I paid the bills out of. I had a second account that my mom could write checks out of, that I only kept a few hundred in. She had a sense of independence with that. I wrote up a list of the past years donations and the amount. When she wrote a check in the new year we updated the sheet. She could see who she had donated to and how much. This avoided the multiple donations to the same charity. We had several discussions on whether she wanted to donate the same amount, or more. Did she want to add a charity? I would add it to the list. I monitored the checking account and when it got low I would add more money. It worked well for us.

Did the doctor do any type of assessment? Were there any conclusions?
Is the POA in effect?
If so your brother should be arranging that bills are paid on line. If this is not something he wants to do the bells can be sent to him rather than your mother. then he can pay them from her account.
If the POA is not in effect and you have no indication from a doctor that she has dementia then as difficult as it is you need to step back and wait for something to happen that will force some sort of action.
But given what you have said she should not be living alone. And if she drives she should not be driving.
Then the difficult decisions...does she go to Memory Care or move in with brother.....no way you should care for her given what you have said in your post. Or Caregivers move in with her.

If your mom is like mine, her denial mechanism is strong. My mother was diagnosed with mild cognitive decline about six years ago and mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer's about two years ago. The doctor who diagnosed her with MCI put her on Aricept to help her memory, and it helped somewhat. She would occasionally have perception problems, delusions and hallucinations but of course all that seemed very real to her, and it was pointless to tell her they weren't. She has always been very proud and though she briefly considered her diagnosis when the doctor informed her, and she wanted to learn more about it, she looked at the symptoms and declared she had none of them. From then on, she rejected her diagnosis and sought out friends, anyone who would agree with her. Her doctors noted her symptoms and decline, and also her denial. She declined and was put on another medication, Namenda. It seemed to help and the medications have helped her appear ok to others, but the disease keeps progressing and I see the symptoms more now. Still, she professes to be perfectly fine. It has been stressful dealing with other people she knows who only see the good show she puts on for them, and only know her superficially so they believe what she tells them - that she's fine and that I am wrong. It does no good to argue with them, it just makes them think there is something wrong with you. They cannot or will not admit their decline, and that can make them a danger to themselves. It is a huge problem, and if you are her main caretaker, Putting her bills on autopay is important as is monitoring her bank account to make sure there are funds for those payments. I suggest you obtain conservatorship if possible or durable POA over everything and POA for healthcare.

My sister had early onset dementia, and it was obvious by the time I was able to get her to a professional to be assessed. Some people get very defensive, because they know it means a loss in their autonomy. Others, it's the disease making them paranoid. What I did was write a letter to her doc, and his nurse called her to schedule a "check up". Thankfully, she went with me and from there he was able to get her to go to a neuropsychologist for testing. My heart goes out to you...it's really tough.

You are not alone in this. It is probably the number one issue we all face with our loved ones, denial. It’s part of the disease. A broken brain does not know it’s broken and the human desire for maintaining independence is very strong. So a broken brain combined with a strong personality trying to maintain independence is a very complicated road to traverse.

Put all her bills on auto pay, switch them all to paperless statements that go to your email address or change the mailing address to your house so she only gets the “junk” mail. Remove the stress of wondering if her bills are getting paid. If she asks where her bills are, just say, “Oh you must have already paid it if no bill has come”. Eventually she won’t even remember she has those bills. Out of sight, out of mind.

I started slowly with my dad when he was in very early days. I would put one on auto pay and then wait a month or two and then do another. The slow trickle of the bills not coming in was not jarring and as long as he had one or two to pay every month he wasn’t suspicious. Now he only writes checks for a few bills every month and I monitor those on line to make sure they got paid. Start with the important ones first like the power bill and go from there.

The same person should have POA for both health and finances. As for joint POAs where two or more of you have to agree on everything that’s done, no way. Speaking from multiple personal experiences.

It’s very easy and convenient today to pay your bills by just simply setting up automatic payments. I have set up automatic payments for my utility and cable bills. I get notifications when the bills are paid and I keep track by checking my bank account. I have been paying my bills this way for years and I have never had a problem.

We set up a similar system as imadaughter17 and it works beautifully. It probably happened a little easier than it might with your mom but this is the perfect time to approach it since she has had these issues recently. I would just suggest she set up autopay telling her this may be part of the problem. Most people these days don’t get regular bills by mail, in fact many utilities offer a discount if you don’t monthly and or set up autopay. “I’m happy to do it with you Mom”.

My mom digs in further, total denial when she’s scared because part of her knows she is becoming less capable. In fact we know when she’s falling a step down in her dementia when she starts trying to take back more control. Gets mixed up with UTI sometimes but similar behavior. We try to use humor which 80% of the time works so laughing about something rather than telling her it’s wrong or sounding concerned about it. Now it’s a bit easier for us because she had a stroke in 2016 which left her with aphasia and we blame her miss wired brain on the stroke rather than dementia which we know she has. When she gets worked up about not being able to follow directions on the phone just laugh and agree about how tiresome jumping through all those hoops can be to get to where you want to go. But what difference does it make wether she can do it or not, she has you and your brother to do it for her rather than wasting her time on hold a million times…

“Maybe it’s time to think about downsizing Mom.” Wouldn’t it be nice to move into a community where all your neighbors are closer in age and you have your own “people” to do things for you that you don’t want to? I keep hearing about friends who have finally done that and how great it is.” When she resists because she can do stuff on her own where she is just agree, “I know you can but why do you want to if you don’t have to?” Don’t press just keep revisiting the topic from time to time. Maybe you are going to just look at places to get a feel for what you will want to do when your ready and she could go along to offer her opinion (lol) or maybe your brother brings it up every so often as well.

Every time you are able put the weight of necessity on the doctor, this is what they are saying or better yet make sure the doctor is expressing their concern that she is still living alone so when the time does come the “blame” can be put on the professionals if necessary.

Denial I think is inevitable both with aging and especially with dementia and I get it as I age. Can you imagine knowing you are loosing your ability to think clearly as well as loosing the ability to simply walk down the stairs without pain? It’s no abnormal, nor does it render us useless or ashamed of and that’s something we as a society need to alter our views on. In my opinion.

Do cognitive testing if you can get her to go to a neuropsychologist. I had a very difficult time convincing not only my mother, but my sister that mom was having memory problems. Clearly it is time for your brother to take over bill paying and managing money. You have POA and you can go through the legal process of having her declared mentally incompetent. She will resent this, but you have a responsibility to do what is in her best interest. It helped me to begin thinking of my mom as a child. Would you let a three year old decide what is best for him or her? No! Don't let your mother guilt you or bully you into allowing her to be self neglectful because she is no longer able to take care of herself or manage her life.

She has 'anosagnosia,' a condition which can pop up in many illnesses or situations, and it means she literally does not know, cannot know, there is anything wrong. This is different from a motivated 'denial.' PS There is a type of unconscious denial, halfway between motivated denial and anosagnosia, common in addiction. The usual strategy is to link the hazards to risk/reward -- "Mom, if you don't let me set up automatic payments for all your bills, your lights and heat will indeed go off." BUT you MUST consult with an aging specialist, OT/rehab person, to go about setting up her life to minimize hazards. They can help evaluate whether she needs to be in supervised care at this point.