My mind wanders to where I don't want it to go. Any suggestions?

Helen4sure: Perhaps you require therapy and also some anti anxiety medication.

Would it make you feel more secure about his and your future if you made actual plans for it? Put in writing what you want to have happen if the worst happens and you go first. Same thing with what you would want to have happen if he goes first and you are unable to make decisions about yourself. This can be done in a living will. It's too late for your husband to make a living will if he already has Alzheimers, unless he is still able to sign legal papers. But you can still put it in writing on his behalf. Get all of your paperwork in order: a will, a living will with your advance medical directives, powers of attorney for medical and financial matters. Write them out for your husband if he doesn't have them, and can't sign them at this point. Do you have people to fall back on if you need assistance? If not, it may make you feel more secure to have a list of caregivers or agencies that you can call on if needed. Have your husband wear a medical alert necklace or bracelet so that you or he can press a button if he falls or needs assistance. Medicare will probably pay for it. Think about getting a caregiver to come in part time to give you breaks and backup. Get connected with a local social worker to find out if your husband and you are eligible for Medicare/Medicaid benefits such as some home care and family caregiver compensation. All the best to you both!

This is a long and scary roller coaster ride that has no brakes and no rest areas. I equate it with a need to plan ahead, but having no instructions on how to make it work for everyone: all the outcomes lead to an end, but fear sets in when trying to figure out how and when. There comes a time when most of us will start humming the song, "Jesus take the wheel," even though we may not be religious or even a Christian.

Please seek out a grief therapist to help you navigate this lonesome journey.

I agree with others: what you describe is absolutely normal. For me it ebbs and flows: when things happen, I tend to tense and try to plan - sometimes overplan, trying to do now what can't really efficiently be done until later. It's a sometimes useless effort to try to control things, when things feel out of control.

I will second the suggestions for you to talk to a therapist about this. It is normal, but it's normal in the way a cold or flu is normal - "normal" doesn't mean it can't be better and that you don't deserve treatment for it.

A therapist could help you with strategies to deal with your anxieties and fears. If you don't feel ready to bare your soul to someone, instead just tell them that you want some suggestions for how to reduce the stresses you feel. How to reduce the dwelling-on. How to be more positive. How to identify what worries you CAN solve with some action now. And ways to deal with worries that you just can't change (my strategy is to recognize those "I can't change that and I don't want to worry about it" worries and then reassure and redirect myself like a crying child ("I know. It stinks. It's scary, and I can't fix that. What will make you feel better?")

And please take care of yourself in all those mundane ways: sleep enough, eat enough, drink enough water, take any medications you need to, monitor your own health, get some exercise if you can, talk to friends, and do things you enjoy. These things are like housecleaning for your brain, or a hug: they can't fix everything, but they help you reassure yourself that you're safe and cared for. And if nothing else, they keep you from having to worry about YOU as well as everything else. :) Good luck.

I so wish that you could turn off the chronic cycle of worrying. I use to be like this many years ago.

It’s normal to be concerned about issues. When the behavior starts to disrupt our lives to the point of not being able to function properly, it’s a problem that we need to address.

Perhaps therapy would help you to gain a better understanding of your situation and possibly learn coping skills to find peace in your life. Consider taking medication to help you get through this stressful time.

Sometimes, I think these patterns develop from our circumstances. Other times I feel like it’s a learned behavior from those that we grew up with. My parents worried quite a bit. My grandparents did not worry as much.

Somehow, I found a way to turn off the excessive worrying. I suppose that I feel as if it doesn’t serve any purpose.

It’s completely exhausting for us if we worry excessively and for others who witness it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so anxious lately. I agree with lea's advice to consider an anti-anxiety med.

Sorry your hubby has AZ. How is his condition? After 8 years of watching him decline, it is likely you are having some level of burn out. Do you get any time away from caregiving? If not, you could probably use some.

Many of your fears are things you could try to come up with plans for. Or accept as inevitable. For example, one of you is going to end up alone. It sucks, but that is reality and you probably would feel better if you came to terms with it.

Do you have your paperwork in order? Will, living will, POA (with a backup as well)? If not, call an attorney tomorrow and get that ball rolling.

I would try to remember that we are all going to die. And if your hubby takes a nap and never wakes up, an easy death like that would be somewhat of a blessing, as far as dying goes. Of course it would be sad and you'd miss him, but no one gets out of here alive. My dad, at 73, had a stroke in my living room one night and it was a big one and since there was no brain activity, we honored his living will and took him off the machines and let him pass. It was his time. I found solace in the fact that he would have hated being a stroke injured man and a rather peaceful death as his was, even though too young, was actually a bit of a gift to us all.

Try to reframe your thinking into positives. Do things to distract yourself and keep your mind from going down the rabbit hole.

Plan ahead - if you were to drop dead (I hope not!) tomorrow, what needs to be done for your hubby? Can he live on his own? If not, who will take care of him? I would strongly consider getting into some kind of a living arrangement that would be feasible for either of you to live in if/when the inevitable happens. Independent living in a facility that also has assisted living, etc? My mom is in assisted living, after living with me and hubby for 7 years. They also have memory care and skilled nursing wings as well for when that inevitably happens, somewhere down the road.

If you are still in your home, don't get too hung up on that. I know when my hubby or I get to needing more help etc., I am going to insist we sell our big house and do just what I am suggesting to you. I don't want to spend our last years together struggling to keep the house and yard taken care of. I'd want to be able to live an easier life and have more time for fun while we can still enjoy it.

Take some deep breaths and think happy thoughts when you start spiraling in negative thoughts. Put on some upbeat music. Call a friend to distract yourself. You might consider some therapy as well. I'm sure they have lots of tricks for how to deal with what you're going through. I love to be a google doctor, so I'd search for some online advice too.

Best of luck!!!

Helen,
Only you are in control of your own thoughts.
You may need some support to learn ways to improve your thinking.
It can be done! Even if you may need some medication for a short while to stop ruminating, help you focus.

Everyone has endured the last 3 years, and the fine line between safety and enjoying life has been crossed. A thinking person cannot ignore what has happened, and what may happen. When thoughts get out of control or intrusive, and upsetting, you can change them.

Limit the amount of time you spend on social media and listening to News.
Turn on some happy music, dance to the oldies.

Frequently look around you at nature, and ask yourself: Is anything bad happening right now?

Take every thought captive.
Think about good things.
Write in a journal, limit it to 20 minutes.
Get a box or a paper bag, put slips of paper with a thought (briefly) written on it, drop it in the bag, and go about your day. Some people call this a God bag, giving our thoughts up to God.
Wait! Don't you go back to retrieve those thoughts.

Keep talking this out.

You can do that here. Maybe someone will come by and offer to private message you for a short while. Or visit "My Whine Moment" here on the forum.

You can do this!

Easier said than done, I know, but I try to not worry about things until the doctors give me reason to worry. They tend not to tell you those things until much later in the crisis, so it's easier to go about life without sweating the what-ifs.

Since I am not a doctor, I've found that my lack of medical knowledge makes all the what-ifs pointless. The what-is always turns out to be something that never occurred to me.

Call your doctor and discuss some anti-anxiety medication he can prescribe for you. This is a very tough time to be going through right now, and this 'what's next' worry that's consuming you is anxiety. Anxiety can become crippling to a person and ruin what good time you both have left if you're constantly concerned about death. I had that same situation happen to me in 2000 and the doctor prescribed Paxil for me which turned that switch OFF inside my head, thankfully. I was able to live w/o anxiety bringing me to my knees continuously, and focusing on death all the time, etc. It made a huge difference.

It's not that you can prevent the inevitable from happening one day down the road. But you CAN prevent yourself from thinking worrisome thoughts 24/7 and killing off the joy of the present moment. Anticipatory grief and worry is often worse than the actual event!

Wishing you the best of luck finding some relief from your anxiety.

Normal, normal and normal, I am calling this. Either that or you and I are BOTH Abby Normal (as they say in Young Frankenstein).
I was JUST thinking about this yesterday on a long walk to the library. My partner and I are 80 and 82. Everyday there are reminders around us, as though our creaking backs and knees aren't enough! I just lost a friend a good deal younger than me. My partner's best friend from early youth on, a man younger than himself, has a wife just diagnosed with early Alzheimer's and is lost in the helplessness and hopelessness and confusion along with his grown children.
If we hope to forget about what is coming, we can forget about that.
As a nurse I have found myself throughout my life with ZERO fear of death. What I DO fear is loss of others I love, and loss of my own capabilities, knowing firsthand how things fall away from us one at a time, balance, mobility, continence, hearing, site and so on. And I fear suffering. Tell me that my guy and I can be issued "a pill" , THE PILL, I am OK with all this. But the not knowing? That's scary.
Reason I started thinking about it yesterday is that I have of late noticed a good deal more anxiety in myself. About simple things. Lunches out, visits from out of town, going on a plane trip, etc. Things I once enjoyed are now "falling outside the norm of my days" and spark anxiety. Always of a bit anxious personality, this is disturbing. Acting as my own walking-shrink I asked myself "Why? Why in the world, knowing you are capable and CAN and have handled things, are you MORE anxious" and I was pretty ready with the answers.
1. The guy who was Hansel to my Gretel in dark woods of life has gone on ahead of me, my bro who I could always count on for ANYTHING including calming my head. He's gone. With me now in memory only.
2. It is clear that at any moment something can get me due to my balance being less good. I can no longer count on catching myself; and that going down is bound eventually to bust something. What about the fact I still have stairs!!!!!
3. And most of all......one of us, my beloved partner or me is going to up and leave the other one. Perhaps suddenly. And while we have tried to plan for that, you can't. Life has taught me that. And I quite honestly cannot imagine.
So there you are. This is the reality of life. It is for EVERYONE, because I just saw a 32 year old man diagnosed with advanced lymphoma. But we don't think about such things when we are young until it hits close to home. However, when we are older we know it is inevitable. And we want to try to prepare for it. So I would say--what do you fear?
Certainly not death, because the dead don't care. Not a worry in the world.
But it is the not dying. The losing someone else. The fear of pain and/or helplessness that we see lurking in the corners.
We would be fools not to worry.
But let me say this: there's not a dang thing we can do but prepare the best we can. Then live the life we have with joy. Allow yourself to think about it if you must, once a day. But don't give it more than a few minutes of thought, because the thinking is circular, cannot help, and CAN hurt.
My best to you. We are sisters of another mother and we are NOT ALONE. It's where we are all heading from the moment of birth; you just don't "get that" until you are a bit seasoned.