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Valpar Asked February 2023

Do I give up?

For all of u that have been following and helping me with my moms situation I wanted to update u and ty again. Mom is still in Magnolia residential care llc and seems to be getting more depressed every day. I’ve been able to speak to her 4 times. Once was because her best friend let her call me from the friends cell phone. She was later reprimanded by my brother and now barely speaks to me for fear of not being able to see mom. Several people have been blocked from calling including me for whatever reason,most r people my brother doesn’t care for. Sonia rarely answers the phone at her buisness and has been caught in a few lies about why we r unable to speak to mom. She told a close friend she’s only doing what Gary,my bro, tells her to do. Seems she would know what is and isn’t illegal and disregard what he says for the sake of her buisness since calling her was such a mess my bro put up a call schedule for everyone. They all were at 10:00-10:30am on a certain day he said he and Sonia would figure out this schedule. Nothing changed and come to find out those times of the day r the busiest for Sonia smh I had one nice conversation with Sonia and felt like we were on better terms. Not so fast…I got a new phone number and called from it. Politely asked to speak to mom. She said umm ok hold on just a minute. I thought I was on hold but it disconnected. I called back twice and got the pick up hang up crap. My aunt gets the same thing. I’m at the end of my rope so do I just give up the fight?? Only other option I see is going to nv and bringing her home with me. I’m just lost. Do I give up ? Ty all for your help Uv been angels that I needed on this crazy bizarre situation

BurntCaregiver Feb 2023
Valpar,

If your brother has already been warned by the state about not isolating your mother again, then the facility she's in should get a call from you today. So should the state.
I don't know who this 'Sonia' person is or what her correlation is to your mother and family. Was she your mother's caregiver one time? Did your mother own a business that she worked for? Either way she too should be reported to the state because she is aiding in the isolation of your mother that your brother was warned about.
As for your mom growing ever more depressed by the day. How would you know this if your brother prevents you from having contact with her?
Do you have someone close to your mom who passes you information? If so then this person needs to know that your brother is on the state's radar about isolating your mother and that person could also get trouble for assisting him in isolating her.

First step. Gather all the information you can about the person in the state who warned your brother about isolating your mother from people.

-What is their name?
-What state agency do they work for?
-How long ago was your brother spoken to about the matter?
-Was this a legal and official warning that's somewhere in a case file, or was it just a friendly warning from a social worker about what could possibly happen if he isolates her?

Step two.

-Take this information to the facility your mother is. Let them know what agency and who issued this warning. They need to know you're not whistling Dixie here and will bring a lawsuit if needs be.
-Take this information to the police as well.
-Give your brother and this Sonia person a call and give them the name of the person who gave him the warning.
-Have a free consultation with an elder law attorney and explain all of this. See what they advise. It never hurts to be able to say you've got a lawyer working for you.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Valpar Feb 2023
Ty for your thoughts Geaton777 I appreciate that u r not too quick to judge a situation and would never ask anyone to do that. Yes family squabbles suck,even more so when u don’t know why there’s a squabble in the first place. As I’ve said before this bro has not wanted the responsibility of my mother and said as much in a text to me. After removing her from his house and the responsibility fell on me while I was in nevada he treated me like a best friend,it fell apart when I left to return home he has been investigated by the state and they warned him not to isolate mom again. I guess he didn’t take them seriously because he has instructed the home owner the people he wanted her to block. He has sold her vehicle which is in her will to go to someone. He took her against her will to this home and used trickery to get her there. After dropping her off at a place she was unfamiliar with and didn’t want to be at he hid her where abouts for almost 3 weeks,he didn’t visit her in those 3 weeks either nor did he give her family a phone number to contact her. He’s an alcoholic as well as is his gf. Does this sound like someone u would want as your poa? I’m not saying these things to put my bro in the ground…they r facts that r proven and they r hurting my mom she was scared and alone and he didn’t seem to care. We r trying to find out how to strip him of the poa before any more bad comes to her. She should be living a relaxed comfortable life with the family members that want her. That’s all I want for her
AlvaDeer Feb 2023
Valpar, looks like you are down to a fight for guardianship if you can afford that, and if your Mom isn't competent. If she is competent then there is nothing to be done so long as she chooses to act on the brother's recommendations.
Any fight for guardianship would run about 10,000 and then there is the fact that the one with custody often wins, the current POA, and you would be stuck with the expenses.
You are correct. This may be a time to give up. I myself cannot see an answer if the brother has been made POA, and if the mother cannot change that, and if the brother won't speak to you.
You might consider an elder law attorney for an hour of time to see if there is some option we may have missed, but I can't imagine what.

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AlvaDeer Feb 2023
As your brother is apparently the POA and the "Lion at the Gate" I believe I would throw myself upon his mercy. I would BEG to be allowed to visit with or speak with my mother WHENEVER and for HOWEVER LONG he will allow it, accompanied by him or whomever he appoints to be there to monitor my call/and or visit.
I believe I would write, say, whatever this once. And then I would beg that I be called as to a time I might speak with Mom, saying that I will not bother him again, and whether or not I am allowed to speak with my Mom rests with his best judgement.
THAT, if I wished to be allowed to give my Mom my love, is what I would personally do. I don't see that there is another choice. I don't really understand what water is gone under the bridge over time, so I can't say what else might help other than offering help or assistance to the brother.
Valpar Feb 2023
Hi Alva. This has been really tough. My bro and I have always gotten along very well. To be honest I’m not really sure what his issue is with me I went out to nevada because mom and my youngest bro had both been in the hospital, he passed away while there but she went to the older bros house when she got out. We hadn’t told her the younger one had passed…I was there for 3 days when I got a text from him saying I needed to go to his house so we could tell mom about his passing and then take her home to her house I did that,everything was fine between us. After 3 weeks I needed to go home so asked what the plan was with mom. He told me he could not handle the care of her mentally emotionally or physically so I was going to bring her home with me which he was ok with for a couple days and did a 180 at that point I had to return home. Since then he’s had issues with me, blocked me from calling him and has told the home to block me too seems childish to me so talking begging and pleading is out. I’ve tried its decisions like this that he has made that tell me he’s not thinking about her best interest I’m not the only one he’s done this to,her sister that he doesn’t like her friend also he didn’t discuss putting her in the home,she has family that r willing and want to have her he himself doesn’t want the responsibility when I left his gf decided for the second time mom couldn’t stay at their house so he was forced to leave their house to stay with mom at her house. That’s what prompted putting her in this home, he wanted to get back to his gf and his house…another bad decision worst part is it’s at her expense I don’t feel like he’s the best person to be controlling her life and he’s not giving me the option to talk to him. I know I have to find a way to go back to nevada and bring her home with me. Since I’m on ssi I don’t have that kind of money but know I have to do something for her
BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
Valpar, I just read your profile. You state that your mother thinks that you don't care about her anymore. In addition to saying that she is getting more and more depressed every day.

I want to point out that if you don't have contact with your mother, you really don't have any way of knowing these things, yes?

Are you getting this information from another source?

Can you send a nice, chatty card once a week, telling her how much your love her? That way she knows that you are thinking about her.

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
I don't understand how you can know that your mother is getting "more and more depressed each day" if you can't speak with her?
Valpar Feb 2023
Hey barb. This isn’t the first time we have been kept from having contact with mom. It seems only the people my brother doesn’t like or is mad at r kept from talking to her twice she had been staying with my bro and his gf, twice they made her leave and sent her back to her house the first time I was in nevada and was asked to come pick her up and take her home after we broke the news that my younger bro has passed away while they both were in the hospital. I stayed with her for 3 weeks but when I had to return home she went back to my bros for about 2 1/2 weeks and he was forced to stay with her at her house in those 2 1/2 weeks I never got to talk to her but a few relatives and friends did, she told them she was thinking no one cared because no one was calling her. It wasn’t until one of her neighbors let the cat out of the bag that he and her were staying back at her house. To this day I don’t know why she’s not wanted at his house. I know my mom…she never refuses to talk to me under any circumstances, she never stays in bed, she never misses a chance to go out to eat or to a casino or church. All this is happening and it tells me she’s unhappy there’s a possibility that the owner is not being honest,it’s happened before too, but I’d be guessing at that. The later makes more sense to me cuz she would never refuse to speak to me. Also when I called from my new number the owner disconnected my call and now I get the pick up hang up deal might be orders from my bro to not let me speak to her as well as others, and no we haven’t done anything to warrant this it’s just his personal feelings towards people Keep in mind this bro text me telling me he did not and could not do the care of mom while I was in nevada. It wasn’t until I had to go home that he kept me from talking to her
Geaton777 Feb 2023
Family drama is heartbreaking. If your brother is your Mom's PoA, then he has made a decision to block certain people because he feels that it is in you Mom's best interests. We on this forum can't judge this situation since we are only getting 1 side of this story.

You asked, "...do I just give up the fight?? Only other option I see is going to nv and bringing her home with me. I’m just lost. Do I give up ?"

I guess the question is if no one is your Mom's PoA legal guardian and your Mom doesn't have a medical diagnosis of incapacity, then you may have a chance to bring her home and be her 24/7 unpaid caregiver.

But if someone is her PoA, then you will need to wrestle away control through the courts for her guardianship. Expensive and time-consuming and if anyone fights you for it, the judge may decide to give guardianship to a neutral 3rd party guardian just to protect your Mom from the family in-fighting.

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