I’m the sole caregiver for my wife and am concerned about what happens if I die first. Any advice?
We each have durable POWs with close friends and family, but I haven’t made any plans beyond that. She’s pretty much in denial so it’s difficult to include her in making such plans. What would happen if I suddenly died? In Arizona.
If you legally and financially properly planned, and sounds like you have, then the next step is to be at peace with what may come. That means one must trust, accept, after legally and financially preparing.
You have put both of you in the best situation for the future. But in the end, one must stop worrying after taking those steps.
Worrying harms relationships and the joy of life if otherwise prepared. The freedom to have peace and accept the inevitable is hard but the only way to enjoy life.
The worry is self-created joy killer of life if you are properly prepared financially and legally and honestly even if one is not prepared. However this worry is common.
Peace comes from planning, trust and acceptance. Perhaps anti-anxiety med is in order otherwise.
Harry, excellent question. Wish more people would plan ahead. Another person asked a similar question. Here is a link so you can view answers given to that person.
Sorry that you are in a tough situation with your wife. Per your profile, she's 76 and has been declining for. 10 years. Sorry it started so early.
For the short term, I would say that you need to stop being the sole caregiver. You need to have some "you" time and an opportunity to do things normal for your age and ability. Being around someone with dementia all the time is very hard.
Can your wife live on her own? I kind of doubt it. So, what would you want? Are you in a house right now? I'd look into selling and moving together into assisted living. Then, if you were to have issues or die, you would already be somewhere that she would be cared for in. AL would free you up from the day-to-day drudgery of life and home ownership. Meds, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
It's ok if she's in denial. It's very common. My 79yo mother is in denial that she has mild/moderate dementia. Doesn't matter. You know the situation and you need to be the one in charge and do what needs to be done. Do you have DPOA for her and has it been activated yet?
Make sure all your paperwork is in order, in addition to the POAs. Living wills, regular wills, health care and financial POAs. Do you have children? If so, makes sense to put them on your accounts as beneficiaries to keep some things out of probate.
I had an attorney do a Special Needs Trust when I was caring for my Husband. I was doing a Will for myself and the Trust was part of that. Decide what you would want. Would a family member be able to care for her? Would you trust a family member to select a place for her? If you select a place there are forms that need to be completed and there are sometimes waiting periods if a room is not available right away. So you really should have 2 plans of action. Short term. Who or how is she cared for for a short time.. If you are injured or incapacitated for a short time. Or What to do until a facility room is available. Long term.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.
It looks like you have prepared for everything. I don’t know what else you can do.
You must be comfortable to trust those that you have appointed as Power of Attorney, so please try to be at peace.
Have you considered joining an ‘in person’ support group for caregivers if there is one near you? I did this when I was caring for my mom and it helped. It was led by a social worker who had experience in caregiving.
You may want to speak with a therapist as well. I found that speaking with a therapist helped me to understand my emotions and place things in perspective.
Wishing you peace as you continue on being a caregiver to your wife. Is she at home with you or in a facility?
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You have put both of you in the best situation for the future. But in the end, one must stop worrying after taking those steps.
Worrying harms relationships and the joy of life if otherwise prepared. The freedom to have peace and accept the inevitable is hard but the only way to enjoy life.
The worry is self-created joy killer of life if you are properly prepared financially and legally and honestly even if one is not prepared. However this worry is common.
Peace comes from planning, trust and acceptance. Perhaps anti-anxiety med is in order otherwise.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/as-a-caregiver-for-my-wife-i-am-concerned-that-i-may-pass-before-her-how-do-i-plan-for-her-care-479392
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For the short term, I would say that you need to stop being the sole caregiver. You need to have some "you" time and an opportunity to do things normal for your age and ability. Being around someone with dementia all the time is very hard.
Can your wife live on her own? I kind of doubt it. So, what would you want? Are you in a house right now? I'd look into selling and moving together into assisted living. Then, if you were to have issues or die, you would already be somewhere that she would be cared for in. AL would free you up from the day-to-day drudgery of life and home ownership. Meds, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
It's ok if she's in denial. It's very common. My 79yo mother is in denial that she has mild/moderate dementia. Doesn't matter. You know the situation and you need to be the one in charge and do what needs to be done. Do you have DPOA for her and has it been activated yet?
Make sure all your paperwork is in order, in addition to the POAs. Living wills, regular wills, health care and financial POAs. Do you have children? If so, makes sense to put them on your accounts as beneficiaries to keep some things out of probate.
Best of luck.
Decide what you would want. Would a family member be able to care for her? Would you trust a family member to select a place for her?
If you select a place there are forms that need to be completed and there are sometimes waiting periods if a room is not available right away.
So you really should have 2 plans of action.
Short term. Who or how is she cared for for a short time.. If you are injured or incapacitated for a short time. Or What to do until a facility room is available.
Long term.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.
It looks like you have prepared for everything. I don’t know what else you can do.
You must be comfortable to trust those that you have appointed as Power of Attorney, so please try to be at peace.
Have you considered joining an ‘in person’ support group for caregivers if there is one near you? I did this when I was caring for my mom and it helped. It was led by a social worker who had experience in caregiving.
You may want to speak with a therapist as well. I found that speaking with a therapist helped me to understand my emotions and place things in perspective.
Wishing you peace as you continue on being a caregiver to your wife. Is she at home with you or in a facility?