When no one likes your mom. Any advice?

Your siblings don't want to deal with your reality, which is why they aren't. They DO get it, which is precisely why they are doing nothing to help you. They've made their choice, as you've made yours, to care for mom, on HER TERMS 24/7.

The question is, when do YOU get to do some activities YOU want to do w/o mom hanging on your ankle like an anchor? Even married couples have individual hobbies and friends they see w/o the spouse tagging along. It's known as autonomy, which you've given up entirely in an effort to appease mom.

Look into all the available resources you can use for sitters, caregivers, adult daycare, respite care, etc. Even if mom doesn't want any of it, don't give her a choice. Indentured servitude is not a part of the agreement you made to care for her, nor is it necessary or healthy for either of you.

Once you agree to caring for yourself here too, maybe then you can change your username to EmotionallyJoyful. That is my wish for you.

Good luck to you

Do you really have to tell mom that you're going to see them? It's called a "therapeutic lie" when you say you're going to a church meeting, participating in a bird count, or to see a friend in the hospital. No one feels comfortable about this, but sometimes it's the only way to save your sanity.

Get a Caregiver. (mom pays for caregivers from her assets)
This will give you a break as well as mom a break from you. Getting a caregiver is a nonnegotiable thing. No one person can be a 24/7/365 caregiver.
If there is an Adult Day care in your area get mom involved in that.
You do not mention a diagnosis in your profile but I am guessing dementia from your question.
Caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And it gets more difficult as the person declines.
As she declines you will need more help.
And at some point you may not be able to continue to SAFELY care for her at home.
Just as your brother and sister both got Babysitters when they wanted to go out you can get a caregiver to stay with mom while you go out.

In your shoes, I think I would go hang out with my siblings, just tell mom you're doing something else. Make something up. I routinely say I have an appointment, lots of errands, car needs servicing. If mom's not safe alone hire a caregiver. There are many ways to visit people without mom. You seem like an honest and caring daughter. Do this for you. Your mom will be fine.

How about both brother and sister do the trip, and meet you locally for lunch or coffee and chat. Then they could do a quick visit to M afterwards?

Ask yourself this. Are you the peacemaker in the family? The one who carries most of the weight? The one who tries to please at your own expense?

Your brother and sister are not helping you care for your mother, and yet don't even want you to bring her along when you visit them.

That's crummy and selfish.

And it sounds like you've already? tried to accommodate your siblings but it makes things more difficult for you.

If it were me, I'd tell them that if I can't bring Mom then I can't come visit. Or let them get on the phone with her and tell her that they don't want to see her. Stop letting them dump that on you.

If they want to see you, let them come to you for a change.

I think you deserve at least that much. If they refuse, then that's on them.

Hi EN,

I do understand. Sometimes it's just more work to plan everything around mom just to have a bit of time away. However, it is essential for your mental and physical health. I always had to give some "good reasons" to my mom when I had to leave home.

Here are a few suggestions. Tell your mom:

--I have an eye doctor appointment. I'll be gone till___. They are going to dilate my eyes so I have to stay for 3 -4 hours before I can see well again in order to drive back.

--I have to work today. Rush/special project.

--Required training class to keep my credential current. I'll be gone for half/whole day.

--I need to take the car in for repair. (After a few hours, call mom back.) Car still in the shop, waiting for some hard to find parts. Will be back around _____ pm.

--(Give some excuse to leave the house. After awhile, call mom back) I have a flat tire or my car broke down. Waiting for a tow truck and take it to a shop. Probably will be back by ______ pm.

Good luck EN. Please take your much needed breaks. Mom needs to get used to being by herself as long as she's till with it mentally.

Could your Mom be hard of hearing? Is your Mom capable of reading? Could your Mom just be very, very lonely?

The talking constantly, no reciprocal conversation does sound like a person who cannot hear or understand what is going on around her. The endless worries could be due to the fact that people are answering, however, she either doesn't hear or she cannot process their information or her world is too small.

Together, it sounds like she could have some form of dementia and research is starting to link hearing loss with dementia.

What does she do when you are at work? Is she all alone? Is it possible to send her to a senior day care?

Did she like to read when she was younger? Are audio books a way to expand her conversation to other topics?

I totally get why your brother and sister think the way they do. I totally understand why your Mom feels hurt. Can you talk to them via video calls? Perhaps that is a compromise for you and them?

My Mom used to do all the things you said. The negativity finally went away when I linked her not being able to hear correctly with not being able to track with the conversation, plus I did some behavior conditioning. I subscribed to the large print Reader's Digest for her so that she could expand her knowledge and conversation topics at her own pace. She also went to senior day care where she was forced to be more sociable and it provided her with topics that she could discuss with others.

If your Mom is capable of reading, you might be able to use this method (the basic idea came from my therapist). My Mom is very capable of reading, but cannot process verbal/hearing as fast. So, I wrote some standard answers/requests on index cards. So when my Mom started going negative and she ignored my verbal pleas to change the conversation and I felt like I was going to yell at her, I showed her the appropriate card. I would first verbally ask her to change (always as a statement of "what I wanted her to do") and if that didn't help, then I showed her the cue card. So instead of saying "please stop discussing politics", I would say "Mom, let's talk about dinner". Then when she continued on politics, I would bring out the cue card of "Please change what you are talking about". If it still persisted, then the last cue card of: "Please give me 5 minutes. I need to leave now." and I would leave while she was still talking. I liken it to the equivalent of adult time-out. 5 minutes is a long time for a person to wait, and even longer to someone with dementia. I set a timer for 5 minutes and left it where she could see it (timer not on the phone). Pretty soon, even with dementia, when she saw the first cue card, she would stop. Eventually, I didn't even have to use the cue card, as her behavior became more respectable.

The first time I did it, she stopped talking momentarily while reading the cue card, and did what the cue card requested. The second time it happened, I showed her the first cue card, she ignored it, so I showed her the 2nd cue card, set the timer, and left and returned after 5 minutes. (5 minutes was what I needed to get myself back to positive thoughts.) Coincidentally, that was my first clue that she had dementia rather than forgetfulness.

These are hard times. For you, I would see if you could get the aid of a therapist. They can help you acquire ideas on how you can deal with your Mom's ugly behavior. Your Mom can change, however, it is going to require her to understand that her current behavior is not acceptable. That is what is difficult and where you can help her.

And before people say that dementia people are incapable of learning, I would say that it depends upon the person. There was a non-verbal guy at my Mom's ward with frontal lobe dementia. He tried to scan a piece of paper so that he could go through the secure door. He also learned to follow visitors because he knew they had food. He was obsessed with food.

When we start realizing that we do not nor will we ever have the power to change anyone else’s feelings or behaviors we will find peace.

I gave up on trying to ‘fix’ situations awhile back. The person that was mostly getting upset was me! If we get upset it usually doesn’t affect others all that much.

Other people are going to do whatever they wish to do no matter how we feel about the situation. Sibling relationships can become complicated.

Anytime that we become overly involved in others lives it usually backfires on us. People want to live their own lives without outside any interference. So, let them.

I am a ‘live and let live’ person. The only possible exception to this rule is if innocent people could be harmed in any way. Then briefly state your position on the matter.

I don’t feel that your mom staying home for you to be able to socialize with your siblings is harmful to your mom.

Accept that your siblings simply aren’t close to mom. I wouldn’t tell your mom that you were spending time with them because it would hurt her feelings.

I know that I don’t have the power to change anyone. It takes strength to let go. I am glad that you aren’t wasting your time and energy on being resentful or bitter. It’s not worth it. Life isn’t always fair.

We don’t all have to share the same opinion. I don’t want to be a carbon copy of anyone else and I don’t expect anyone to be a carbon copy of me.

Your siblings may feel that you need a break from mom once in awhile and they truly would love to spend time with you. Get a sitter sometimes. It’s not good for you to spend all of your time only with your mom.

OP, if you won't do anything that might make your mother "likely to feel offended", you are condemning yourself to doing everything she wants and that she gives you permission to do. You can only rescue yourself.