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Whataday Asked February 2023

How do I say no to my mom who wants to bake king cakes and isn’t able?

This is my first post. Please forgive me if I sound ridiculous. My mother who has undiagnosed dementia lives in AL. She wants to come to my house to make king cakes for a party at the facility. Enough for 60 residents and their families!! She won’t be able to do this. I refuse to do a marathon bake off. There are no bakeries in town and where we live Walmart doesn’t carry king cakes. I checked on line and the cost of ordering cakes is way out of line. She has always entertained and was very good at it. It was her time in the sun. Unfortunately now she she has forgotten how to cook and bake. In fact hadn’t cooked in a few years. When at home lived on sandwiches and cereal. I had her for dinner and she wanted to make the mashed potatoes. She couldn’t remember and it broke her heart. So what do I do?

sp19690 Feb 2023
Tell her the assisted living doesnt allow residents or family members to bring food in for all the residents that is not prepared in a commercial kitchen because it would be a health code violation.
JoAnn29 Feb 2023
That is a good one.
cxmoody Feb 2023
Just say, “Mom, I just can’t possibly do that this year. Maybe next year.”

Then, repeat.

Keep your boundaries. You’ll get a LOT of practice! 🤣

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Whataday Feb 2023
My sister said just tell her no. I needed to here this from all of you. Lol. I have a problem with pleasing her. Thank you!

funkygrandma59 Feb 2023
You use little "fiblets" as they're called in the world of dementia.
1. I'm sorry my stove isn't working right now, and we're waiting on a part.
2. The facility won't allow king cakes because they don't want someone to choke on the little baby inside.(that one's probably true, and not a fiblet)
3. I just don't have the time in my schedule right now for all that baking, but why don't we go to the store and buy some cupcakes in Mardi Gras colors?
4. The facility said they would prefer little cupcakes that can just be picked up and they don't want to have to worry about having to slice up a cake and plate it.

You get the idea. Good luck.

Whataday Feb 2023
you are getting me into the Mardi Gras spirit! We spent most of our Mardi Gras in Mobile. Loved the parades. Loved the beads and the music! Miss all of it very much. We have beads. Earned those beads btw. 😉. I said no. Mom got mad. But she will get over it. Of course I felt guilty and didn’t sleep well. My husband said I’ll get over that too. I will call the activity director tomorrow. There is something planned for that Tuesday. I’m Truly sorry for what the two posters mentioned are going through. My problem is nothing. Again, I am so relieved to have found this board. Thank you and let the good times roll.
sp19690 Feb 2023
Awesome! Great job telling mom no. You may feel a little guilt but think about all that work you saved yourself baking all those cakes. I was exhausted for you.

Next time mom wants you to do something you just dont have the energy or time to do it will be easier to say no.
Whataday Feb 2023
Thanks again for your responses. Idk what a juggling act caring for my mom was going to be. I have a feeling it’s going to be quite a ride. I’m trying to have fun with this journey of ours. (Mom and me) Sometimes, as you know so well it’s a mess. It’s always the little things like this I flounder. Give me a medical emergency any day. That’s easy.

JoAnn29 Feb 2023
Sorry Mom, I don't let anyone cook in my kitchen.

Do you think the AL expects this? They don't, this is probably all Mom. Don't give her any excuses, just say "No Mom its not possible" Maybe talk to the Nurse and ask her to tell Mom there is no need for King Cakes.

Just thinking, yeast bread. You have to let it rise, punch it down, fill and form your circle, rise again and bake. Even one is a lot of work.

Grandma1954 Feb 2023
Do what many do for weddings.
1 King cake made by you and mom.
Order a pastry or even a cake and have it decorated with Purple, Gold and Green. That can be cut and served to the residents.
Tell mom that due to Health Department regulations foods made in an un approved, un inspected kitchen can not be served at the facility to residents and their families.

AlvaDeer Feb 2023
You explain as well as you can, gently, that this isn't possible to do. You give an honest explanation. She may cry, she may be angry; that's fine; it's worth being upset about.
Not everything can be fixed and some things just have to be acknowledged as something you cannot do anymore.
If your Mom is able to come to your own home without it causing her to be upset afterward, with it being a nice day, and you can find a recipe, then have her come over and you cook dinner for the family and help her make the cake.
Compromise is often the best we get in life.
Has to be heartbreaking, and I am so sorry.
againx100 Feb 2023
You're right - this is all so heartbreaking. But we do not need to do everything our LOs ask of us. Depending on their level of dementia, they may have NO clue as to how much time and work and difficulty their requests are.
igloo572 Feb 2023
NeedHelp, seriously get yourself over to KC Hub on Broad @ MLK x from pumping station. Go AM if at all possible, they will sell out on some. KC heaven…. walls of boxed KC on speed racks…. Like 15 vendors, all the majors (Caluda, a Gambinos, 2 of the Randazzo’s), the specialty bakers (Nocca, Bread on Oak, Ephiphany). It varies by day. You can park at Zony Mash so party in the front, cake in the back. I went last week. Going again probably next Tues or Wed if u want to meet up.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Thanks, Igloo. Will let you know.

I love Caluda’s King Cake! Yummy!

I have friends who still talk about King Cakes from their childhood days from McKenzie’s bakery! LOL 😆

My oldest daughter shops at the Whole Foods store on Broad St. I miss the smaller Whole Foods store that was on Esplanade Ave.

Do you buy the stuffed King Cake with cream cheese or are you a purist and buy plain? I like both!
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