It’s me again. Start here to get caught up :
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-being-unreasonable-468312.htm
So My MIL did not move in with us last summer but she did spend the holidays with us and that went ok. Everything was fine until last month. After a series of events, she ended up hospitalized and has been hospitalized for nearly a month. I convinced my husband to put her in rehab after she’s discharged from the hospital but Now he is talking about her moving in with us again. I can’t believe we are back here again but I’m sure you all aren’t surprised this came up again. Now even her brothers are telling him she needs to move in with us. Its so frustrating. My husband already travels too much and I have my hands full with the children. This is not going to work. I told my husband this is not a good idea. He says im being unreasonable. My biggest concern is, What if rehab doesn’t help her? What if she remains total care? I’m not breaking my back trying to roll her over or lift her up.
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Lucky (unlucky) turn of events that resulted in a hospitalization.
I am so glad for you that Hubby realized that you were right and that her care was more than either of you and both of you can handle at home.
Tell your husband you are sorry but there is NO way you can take this on. Just no. Even with full-time helpers, having her in your home will be a lot of stress and work and if he's not around to manage it all, then it's not going to happen.
Best of luck.
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Just like with last summer's vacation, put your foot down.
Tell him if it's so "doable" you'll leave for 2 weeks and leave him with his two person assist mom and the kids. Tell him use his vacation days to do this.
ETA, no, leaving the kids would be a terrible idea, but I'd be curious what his reaction would be to HIM doing all this work that he thinks is so easy.
It is HIS mother, after all. Why on earth does he think his wife should be doing the caregiving?
And if he pitches a fit, you look him in the eye and you say this "I have tried to discuss this with you in private. You have refused to discuss details or even listen to what I have had to say. So you left me no choice but to lay it all on the table here. I will not be held responsible for your mother's care. I HAVE other responsibilities, and those are my only priorities. I hate that you are unable to see your way clear to understand, but that is not my problem. Your mother is unable to do even the first thing to take care of herself now, and she cannot come to live in our home. Our children need my full attention. And you will not be there to provide her care. There will be no one else to provide it but me, and I cannot possibly give anyone else my time. You need to hear this loud and clear now. We don't have anymore time for you to pretend this is going to work. You cannot fix this for her any other way. You do not have an obligation to physically take care of her, and you are not the one that would be doing it anyway. You are voluntelling ME that I will add your mother to my responsibilities and I am TELLING you now that it will not happen. Let me be perfectly clear. If she comes to our home, the children and I will be leaving our home. And you will STILL have to figure out who will be taking care of your mother. I'm not your free caregiver plan because you don't want to make the hard decisions!"
And then you have to stick by it and not let him bully you into doing this. I'm afraid this is one of those unfortunate times when an ultimatum is called for and it's a hill to die on.
You are doing awesome but use the word NO. It is much stronger and direct than telling him it's not a good idea. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Stay strong and keep saying no.
And please remember that when she was there over christmas it did not go very well because MIL tried to get you to wait on her and acted helpless.
I guess you blocked out all the crap she pulled over Christmas. You might have to reread what you posted about it again to refresh your memory of the nightmare of that visit.
And tell husband to tell his brothers they can always move mom into their house if they want to.
Sorry you are still having to deal with your husband's crap regarding his mother.
The Uncles. Men. Their aim: find a woman to be Mother's servant. Why? Because they have a p3n15 & you don't? Sorry but that just makes me so mad 😡
To your husband;
No.
I said no..
I mean no.
If you want to live with your Mother - go. But that decision will have giant consequences.
You will be moving out.
You will need to rent your own house/apartment.
We will need to sort out our finances to live separately.
This will add so much stress to our marriage it may end it.
My answer would be a firm no with a strong suggestion to attend a marriage councillor with me. Not to change his mind, but for him to HEAR you - coz he is not.
This has already been established.
So whether or not rehab is beneficial to her really is beside the point.
She is not moving into your house under any circumstances.
If your husband wants to get stupid and move her in anyway, that's when you find a divorce lawyer. I hope you've been putting away money for a rainy day because that day might be coming soon.
And when it rains, it pours.
MIL is will not be living with you. If that means you no longer live with your husband, trust me you'll be doing yourself and your kids a favor.
You (the wife) come before the MIL. That is the proper order of things. Do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
And then he's going to travel as usual, leaving you being the sole caregiving slave.
No. And you two have been arguing, and he won't back off his stance that MIL must come to your house?
Great suggestions here already -- visit a divorce attorney, just to see your options.
Make sure to tell the discharge planner that your H is often out of town for work, and that you are not able to take care of MIL. Tell them about your 4 children, 2 of them being autistic. Be adamant, and realize that the NH doesn't care. Also realize that they will promise looking into help -- they won't do it. Once MIL is out of there, they wash their hands of any responsibility towards her. You have the power now to stop this ridiculous move to your house. Use it.
PLEASE keep us updated. We will be your cheerleaders every step of the way, no matter what it takes to keep MIL in the NH and OUT of your house.
Either you and his children are the priority, or his mother is, it is just that simple.
This will not work and you know it.
Once she is moved in it is too late, she is on a downward spiral, it will only get worse.