Parent with early stages of dementia planning a trip by themselves. Any advice?

"He no longer recognizes relatives, has trouble turning on his tv (presses the input button and cannot get back to cable) or computer (cannot remember his password and did not know what the welcome screen was) and does not know how to use his iPhone."

I am surprised he could renew his passport and make train arrangements. But Dementia is a weird thing. Its a shame someone cannot travel with him. Can't you and brother meet in Seattle?

My NEXT angle is to ask WHY he wants to go?

It may be as simple as "I want to see your brother".

In which case *Video Call* !! Use a decent size computer screen (not a phone) & good audio. His NEED/WANT is addressed without the dangerous trek across the continent. Job Done 😁

Another thing to consider is that there ARE now tracking devices, watches, that sort of thing to wear. Just that if he gets off in some out of the way town in sub zero temps I think it a real concern. People today are used to just walking by folks they consider drunk, impaired, homeless and etc.

Lot's of valid concerns for this trip.

Here's a different angle - Rather than stop it.. what about letting the 'world' decide?
If ok, then add as much safety as you can.

1. IF Dad's Doctor gives the all clear? He proceeds.
2. If he can get health insurance, he proceeds.
3. Obviously your brother needs to OK the visit & be happy to collect & host him. If so, he can proceed.

So if the 'world' gives the OK.. add the safety;

1. Train? Overnight stays in unfamiliar cities? No.
Direct flight.

2. Escort to airport, both ends.

(My relatives in their 90's still travelled to see family. Direct flights, escorted to & from airports. There were a little mobility/frailty issues but no memory issues).

3. His 'special needs' should ideally be disclosed to airline staff too to help increase safety ensure during the flight.

4. ID, important papers etc. You need a copy of everything. He needs ID on his bag, his clothes not just his wallet (can get lost).

5. Emergency response: If he does become lost, disorientated etc who would go fetch him? You? Or Brother?

Have a good honest chat to your brother about your concerns and very importantly, about that emergency plan. If Dad falls, lands in hospital in US, what would be the plan?

Or.. maybe just hide his passport...

Too bad we couldn't insert a tracking chip in seniors with dementia. This way you can track their movements in real time.

Where I am, there are disability organisations that can arrange a traveling companion. If you can’t stop Dad making the trip, you might be able to find a neighbor who could put him on the train to start with (and word up the guard), then a companion who could meet him in Seattle, take him to a hotel for the night, and put him on the train in the morning. Here, the traveling companion would probably take the whole trip with him, with the fare paid but the ‘companionship’ coming free in return for the fare. Nice people are happy to do it, because it makes for a very cheap trip for them.

It might be worth contacting appropriate organisations (or the neighbors where he lives for the first bit) to see if they have any suggestions along those lines.

I don’t have a solution to your problem. Just want to say that I feel for you. So sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I remember years ago my husband's 90ish great aunt came to a wedding in our town. She lived several hundred miles away. She enlisted her teenage granddaughter as a travel companion. They took a flight and we picked them up at airport. The aunt was frail and very hard of hearing. Alone she never would have managed getting to the airport let alone finding her seat, the bathroom or her luggage, or the thousand other details that could go sideways. It's just too much, even if things go according to plan. I wonder if there's such a companion in your family tree who would love to take this train trip with your father.

Thanks for all the comments.

It is hard for family members when their parent is in that stage between just being older and full blown dementia. No one wants to have their freedom easily taken away. The law makes it difficult for adult children to do that to their parent, as it should.
I will do everything I can to convince my Dad not to do this trip, but as I said in my post, I don’t have guardianship over him.
In Canada, guardianship requires two doctors assessments stating someone no longer has the mental capacity to make decisions and then a judge to approve those assessments and assign a guardian. It is complex, expensive and potentially emotionally devastating to family members involved. If the judge refuses to accept the doctor’s assessments, the parent might never speak to their children again and disinherit them.
My Dad is a bit of an old-school man’s man who prides himself on his independence, even if that is more fantasy and wishful thinking these days. He would likely refuse to go to the doctor if he knew he was being assessed for dementia. And his doctor may not do it at our request. My dad likes his doctor because he is a “nice guy” who doesn’t lecture my dad about his health or driving or anything else.
And I agree my dad should not be driving. Here in British Columbia anyone over age 80 used to have to pass a driver medical fitness test every two years, but the government stopped the requirement during Covid and has yet to reinstate it. That means convincing doctor “nice guy” to report my dad to the government. We tried getting his doctor to do an eye exam on my dad and he told my sister he couldn’t do that and my dad would have to book an appointment with an Ophthalmologists.
To complicate matters, none of us children live in the same town as dad.
As I’m sure others out there know, sometimes there are no easy answers and you just have to do what you can and hope for the best.

He can't be that far gone if he renewed his passport and got things setup.

Maybe put some kind of tracking device on him so if he gets lost you can have the police find him.

It is irritating when the senior is gone but not gone enough to drive family crazy with insane things like this.

And yes other brother should tell dad he can't come and visit.

A train trip down the coast sounds fabulous. I can understand why your Dad wants to do it.

If the objective is to see your brother, how about taking the plane? If he is adamant about using the train, can the first leg to Seattle be done by plane with you and you put him on the train to see your brother?

I’ve never done train trips with the elderly, however, it is possible that one of the stewards could pay special attention to him to make sure he doesn’t get off between stops….just like an unaccompanied minor.

Are there any organized tours, that include a train trip down the coast?

Being able to travel was very important to my Mom. Unfortunately, her traveling companions were unable to travel once they got to their 90s. So she enlisted me and my sister. Her last trip, at the age of 97, was flying to Amsterdam and going on a cruise to Iceland and Greenland. Even though she had mild dementia at the time and was walking with a walker, the cruise ship was a terrific place for her and she felt fantastic. Now she is in MC with moderate dementia, cannot remember that she is over 100 years old, but can still remember details of the Iceland and Greenland trip.

So I would find some way to make that trip happen. I’m sure that the planning and research for that trip is part of the “fun” for him. Also, it gives him something to look forward to.

Oh boy. This is a tough one. I guess your brother needs to tell dad that it's not a good time to come visit. Busy with work. Going on a trip himself, etc. etc. He is going to have to tell a little lie or two to stop this trip in its tracks.

Do not do anything to support dad's trip.

I would look into getting him a diagnosis. Does dad have his paperwork in order? Are you or your brother POA? Will, living will, etc.?

The driving issue is a bit concerning too. My mom, with dementia, was mad as hell when the doctor told her no more driving, but when we know their memory is not what it should be, it is the right thing to do. I could not have lived with the guilt if my mom had hurt someone when I knew she shouldn't be driving.

Best of luck.