Concerned about mom’s care. Any advice?

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Kimyashi Asked February 2023

Concerned about mom’s care. Any advice?

My brother/mom are narcs. Dad separated and my brother is struggling tkg care of mom but he cut me and dad off. We have no visibility on mom and she’s ignoring my dad and I. I know we’re supposed to cutoff narcs but i dont know what to do. Shes 77 and brother is allowing her to drive. She nvr did. She has bouts of rage and im suspecting onset of dementia. Brother is a cop. Dad is a sweetheart and we’re fine. Do i leave them alone? Mom is stubborn and wont go to dr and brother isnt mkg strong effort to take her. He said he wants to move out and leave her alone in his house last my dad talked to him.

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score 2 · Answer 1

Leave them alone, sit back and watch do not react, things have a way of taking care of themselves when "we" back away.

Helpful Answer (2)

Yeah… all we can do I guess. Im so angry. Thanks

(0)

score 1 · Answer 2

Maybe your brother is just frustrated. Everything he tries to do is shot down. He can only do so much. You cannot force someone to do something they don't want to do. As a Cop he knows this. Maybe he needs to leave. Then he calls APS and asks them to evaluate Mom. If they find she can live on her own, then you just have to wait for a crisis, ends up in the hospital, to have her evaluated again. If its found she needs 24/7 care, you place her in Long-term care. Do not try to care for her yourself.

Helpful Answer (1)

Yeah, he’s extremely selfish and no capacity to be responsible for someone or have any accountability so he’s upset dad left her but shes abusive to my dad. My brother is her golden child. He’s allowing her to drive although her faculties are not best. Im so angry at him for blocking us out of any insight.

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score 3 · Answer 3

Leave them alone would be my advice. Reach out by mail and say you are there, you are willing to help and they should call you if you can help them. Then bow out.

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Yeah I think you’re right. I have no control. Its sad. Trying to get over the pain of him trying to hurt us by withholding information. Hes a narcissist.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Kimyashi,

I doubt that you will be able to change their minds about their decisions.

You said yourself that your mom is ignoring you and your dad. Your brother is probably pacifying your mother, which isn’t a sensible attitude.

Has your mom been tested for dementia?

Certainly, your frustration is understandable. I’m sorry that you are going through this with your mom and brother.

Sadly, it will most likely get worse before it is possible to address the issue.

Best wishes to you and your family.

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No, she doesn’t want to go and thinks shes fine. Brother doesn’t care but his own needs. I feel like at some point its neglect but i have no visibility. You’re right its best to leave them alone. Thanks for responding

(1)

score 1 · Answer 5

Ah yes, narcissists… both are. They are mean to dad and I. Dads been married to her for over 50 yrs but she’s driving him to suicide so he separated and lives near me now.

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Good for dad that he was wise enough to protect himself.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Kimyashi, I am a bit confused. You mentioned your brother and your Mom are narcs. To me, narcs are police officers/Federal Agents who work in narcotics. Then you mentioned to cut off narcs which tells me both are users, correct?

Question, how can your brother be a police officer? They are subject to random drug testing in your County.

Who is your Mom's medical Power of Attorney?

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I think she may be referring to them having narcissistic behavior.

(3)

Concerned about mom’s care. Any advice?

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