I had hip replacement 4 months ago. Unfortunately I need to get my second hip done. I suffered in pain for 9 months prior to surgery. My only support group is my caregiver. She is awesome, but weekends are not good. I am working on finding a caregiver for at least 4 hrs a day for weekends. My husband is lost, doesn’t know me and cannot find normal household things…refrigerators microwaves, bedrooms, bathroom, etc. he has Lewy body dementia. He is very sweet, we have been married for 54 years. I am mentally and emotionally drained since any thing that he needs, when the caregiver is not here is my responsibility. I cannot walk without a walker. Luckily we have long term insurance that covers him for at least 5 years plus savings and a we own our home free and clear. Advice on how to cope?
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if you don’t feel like respite care for him is doable then you need to either add hours for your regular caregiver to at least 8 hrs a day and find a weekend caregiver for 8 hrs as well. I’m not really sure that enough for the first week or two you are home though. You need to be able to simply focus on yourself and your recovery for a few weeks at least. I’m curious what did you do with your husband while you had surgery the last time, while you were gone I mean? What did you do during your recovery and what was the backup plan if you needed to stay in the hospital a few days longer, what is it should something else emergent happen to you? Whatever you employed during the surgery and or your back up plan is likely something you need to use again and I strongly urge you to extend that care and go into acute rehab yourself then for recovery the first week or so. Whatever is recommended and it probably depends on your area and surgeon but often I know they ask or encourage residential rehab for major orthopedic surgery patients who live alone and I’m sure they would do that for you if they knew the responsibility you have at home.
Obviously the first hip recovery along with the care of your husband was too much since your trying to prepare differently for this second surgery and taking the best care possible of yourself is so important that you know the answer to your original question, 8-2 five times a week isn’t enough even without hip surgery. Prior to his dementia would this sweet man you married want you harming yourself to care for him, would he want you to jeopardize your recover from this surgery or make it any harder? I doubt the answer is yes to any of these questions, he was looking forward enough to get LTC insurance so you would both be well cared for in the event there was a need. Maybe it’s time to let him take care of you by letting the policy take care of him.
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The only other alternative I can think of is self pay home care for all of his waking hours so someone else provides his needs. I say this because you didn't mention any relatives that could come in and fill in the blanks for your current caregiver.
Contact "A Place for Mom" and the care advisor here to plan visits.
Now is the time to get weekend help. Gettting that established will go a long ways to making it work out when you have that 2nd hip done.
Worrying about your DH when you need to focus on your own healing is too much. I wish I had hired a 3 day a week aide for when I was dealing with cancer, and then later, when I had major ankle surgery and was unable to walk for 14 weeks! I still did all the 'everything' with running a home. DH just is not wired for household chores. He just--can't. And didn't.
If someone had just been able to come in and prep meals, do a little light cleaning and make beds and run the vaccuum around--that would have been heavenly. I didn't need care, but my home DID!
You've PAID for LTC, use it. Mother spent a small fortune on LTC and never used it. 4/5 of us kids thought she could have greatly benefitted from it, but the one who had the final say, kept her from ever having outside help. When he'd complain about mom's needs, we'd remind him that she could get the care she needed and he'd back off.
This is not just for you, but for you and your DH. If you're worried about him, then you won't heal well and you need to, short term and long.
It sounds like you do not have the psychological, emotional or physical ability to care for him / his needs, and struggling to manage your own.
Clearly, you do not have the ability to care for him as needed, for HIS safety and YOURS.
Have you discussed this with him?
Are you open to this?
I know it must be excruciatingly difficult to consider however it sounds like it is a necessary for you to cope / manage your own (quality of) life.
And, then he will get the 24/7 care he needs.
Gena / Touch Matters
If in the future you do need additional help financially to pay for the In Home Care, please look into programs that help with that. We have one here called IRIS. There should be something similar in every state.
They will help pay for not only the care, but things needed in the home. It could actually cover care for both of you, if you find you need a little assistance yourself. You decide who you want for caregivers. IRIS also allows family and live-in caregivers such as yourself. So it could help you both out financially.
God Bless you both!
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Matilda
Hire people who are able and interested in taking your husband out of the house to provide stimulation and exercise for him and time for you to emotionally refresh/regroup in your space.
Don’t delay addressing your own health needs (get your other hip replaced as soon as possible) if you want to live under less stress.
If you must seek a higher level of care, don’t feel sad, utilizing this option may result in incredible relief and it may even extend your life.
I agree, find a place that will take husband temporarily. You may find he acclimates well there and he can stay. LD is one of the hard ones. They can become violent and aggressive.
How long do you have to wait to get your second hip done? At that point, you should try to go to rehab and have hubby go somewhere for respite care so you can get the care you need. Even if you come straight home, still put him in respite care so you can recover.
Find yourself a weekend helper ASAP. Do you have any leads? Does your caregiver? They often have friends in the business too. I don't really think that 4 hours a day is enough on the weekends. This is a LOT on you and you are not in the physical condition to be able to currently handle it. Emotionally it's very difficult too so more help is better.
Have you thought about the two of you going into assisted living? You could at least have some support - meals, cleaning, laundry, etc.
It’s obvious how much you love him but you have to take care of yourself too.
Please consider placing your husband in a facility so you can heal properly. Some facilities offer respite care. This would be a good way to see if this is the best fit for him in the long run.
Best wishes to you and your husband. Take care.
It seems pretty clear to me that you need to place your husband at least temporarily in Memory Care while you recover.
Can you get your doctor to recommend a rehab stay for your second hip?