I had mom move in with us after dad killed himself because she couldn't stop vomiting. I was worried we'd lose her, too. I'm divorced and have two daughters. We got a puppy to help cheer up the household.
Six years later, one kid moved out and one's living here with her boyfriend. All about to graduate from college.
I'm ready to get back to living after being cooped up here with my mom. She's sweet, but she started the non-stop talking like grandma did when she hit 80, It's driving me crazy.
She made me promise to tell her if she ever got as annoying as her mom was. I don't think she can stop it, so telling her would just hurt her feelings for no reason. Her mom drove her nuts from three states away. I never get a break!
Most of the litany is a non-stop rundown of all her health concerns. I'm tired of asking if she told her doctor. I just want her to have a friend.
She always had my dad as her best friend, but I can't be that for her. It grosses me out to even hug her anymore because I feel like I'm his stand-in. I wish she could meet someone, but she never wants to leave the house.
How can I quit feeling guilty about wanting to get away from her and renew my friendships? How can I get her interested in having her own friends? I can't be her everything! The kids have taken to eating upstairs so they can do their homework without her constant talking.
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A couple of thoughts...
1. Mom needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist.
2. Mom needs a social, congregate living setting, not your home. She is clearly DESPERATE for company. Find her a good IL or AL, depending on her level of need.
3. If those are financially out of the question, get her to Adult Day Care.
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You can put her into adult day care and insist that she go as a condition of her remaining in your home.
You can hire a companion to spend time with her and take her out.
What you have to do is pay her less attention. Tell her that you are not her doctor and do not want to hear about her health problems.
Also, you set a time at night when she goes to her room. After that time there's nothing. No talking to you. The kitchen is closed too. She can watch tv in her room. Or read a book. Or take up knitting, whatever. Get her some snacks and drink boxes to keep in her room if she wants a snack. You have to set boundaries. This means speaking plainly to her that you and the kids do not want to talk to her every waking moment. That there has to be alone time every day because everyone needs a break from her constant talking. When it's time for the kids to do their homework, she goes and watches tv in her room. No exceptions. You would also do well to lay down the law with your kids too. No eating meals in their bedrooms. That is unacceptable. They eat at the table and do their homework before or after supper. Not during. Set some boudaries and in the meantime, look into some assisted living facilities for her. She would get socialization with people her own age too.
Your 'answer' to that is “I don't think she can stop it, so telling her would just hurt her feelings for no reason”. Your guess may be true, but it’s not the answer to the question. Even if it does “hurt her feelings”, would she understand? If she understands, would it help her “stop it”?
Your “I don’t think she can stop it” is not based on trying your options. These include telling her what and where she could do to continue staying with you, and what her options are if she doesn’t make the effort. At present, you are accepting this, and she has no incentive to change. Your responsibility to your mother and to your “promise” is to lay it on the line.
We regularly get posters who have cut off reasonable options because of THEIR fear of HIS or HER “hurt feelings”. It’s the way to let your future depend on YOUR fears. For decades.
If Mom can take care of herself, then you can have a life. I have a number a friends that are now widows starting in their 60s and a couple in there 70s. They have all gotten back into life. 2 at the ages of 72 and 73 have boyfriends. Your Mom should have been finding socialization 6 years ago other than your family. If she was an introvert and Dad was her friend, thats OK. Introverts usually like their own company. My Mom was a widow at 78. She had her Church and friends who were also widows.
If you want to be with friends, then be with friends. Hire a Mom sitter on her dime. If she has money, once you find out whats causing the talking, maybe you can place her in an Assisted Living.
You have a right to your own life why not do something to regain it? Your kids deserve better as well.
You deserve a life for yourself as well. I had this problem with my mom too. She was very active before but as she aged with Parkinson’s disease she started to withdraw from others and became totally dependent upon me. I heard everything and it is emotionally draining.
We care about our mothers and often place their needs above ours and then we start to feel frustrated and hopeless.
It’s challenging when we make suggestions such as attending a senior community center and they won’t go. I even offered to go with my mom for awhile until she would get use to it and she still wouldn’t consider the idea.
My mom would admit that she had some anxiety and depression but wouldn’t take meds for them. Later on she agreed to try medication and it made a world of difference.
Speak with her doctor about the changes in her behavior and discuss any options.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Is there a Senior Center that has activities?
If so to either ...or both.. get mom involved.
She will have contact with others, you will get a break and when she gets home she will have something else to talk about.
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