At what point will my mother's Alzheimer’s get so bad she won’t be able to stay at her home?

Are you being threatened or in danger of harm from your Brother?

Is that what underpins your situation?

If you stop helping Mom, what would happen?

As Brother needs to keep his supply to Mom's money going, he needs her alive & next door right? So if you backed out or disappeared, what would he do?

Would he provide all Mom's care? Or leave her in even more neglect? Is this why you are still helping?

Do you feel compelled to do as your Brother wants for Mom's safety? (& possible your own?)

Your mom should be placed ASAP. Your brother may have screwed that up for her due to spending all of her money.

I had a brother who was an addict too. I stopped allowing him to see my mom. I took her to see him in an end of life hospice facility shortly before he died. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him.

I am so sorry. I know what it’s like to have addiction in the family. It stinks. It steals the innocence from our childhoods and if we allow it to, it will follow us into adulthood. Fortunately, I cut my brother out of our lives when he was using.

Yeah, he was great when sober but it never lasted. Even after opening and running successful business, he couldn’t find a way to leave drugs behind. He was a lost soul who couldn’t beat his demons.

AD doesn't come and go. It's here to stay, getting progressively worse, and not something your mom can be given "psychological help" for to show her why she shouldn't be paying her son. Educate yourself about how the disease works so you'll know mom needs 24/7 care by a non stoned staff who will make sure she's safe, fed and cared for.

Aps is not going to help you with a deadbeat brother. Kick him out, sell the home, and fund your mom's life in Memory Care Assisted Living with the proceeds. Don't rely on such an agency to force this issue, which is rare ANYWAY, just do it yourself. Put in a call to the police when it's time for him to leave the premises. Junkies dislike law enforcement.

Good luck to you.

Your brother lives in your house. Your mother gives that brother $5000 a month yet doesn't have the proper care she needs?

Your mother appears to be beyond psychological help. She needs someone to get her out of that house right away. Into a facility would be best. Close up her house and kick your brother out of your home.

It's up to your brother if he goes to rehab or not, but he certainly won't go if his habit is being funded at $5000 a month and you provide him with a place to live.

Your main responsibility is to your mother. She is a vulnerable adult who can't take care of herself. It is not safe for her to live at home, and it's up to you to find the resources to help her.

At least you reached out to us. You'll get good advice, but it's up to you to use it.

This 5k a month will cause a problem if Mom needs Medicaid. If Mom wants to say she is paying for brother to be her caregiver than she needs that in writing. A Contract signed by both parties. Probably witnessed and notarized.

The bedsores are serious. Ointment is not going to clear them up. Eventually there will be dead tissue and infection. Bedsores are taken care of by a Woundcare Nurse who knows what to look for.
You need to tell APS about her not bathing and these bedsores. Mom is not old at 76. To live like she is there is some mental decline here.

You may want to call the Health Dept instead of APS.

I honestly cannot believe this post. I am sorry, but I consider we may be being trolled here.
You tell us that you are actually observing your brother, who lives with you, STEALING 5,000 a month from your mother? That you have called APS, and that didn't respond to this stealing?
I am sorry. I am speechless on this one. A rare thing, indeed.

If your mother is not getting bathed and is getting bedsores(those happen when someone is not turned regularly)that is and should be considered neglect, and your mother should be removed from the home sooner than later.
I'm guessing that when APS was called they were not told the whole story right? Because I find it hard to believe that they would let a vulnerable woman who isn't getting bathed and with bedsores continue living where she is.
You may want to call them back and tell them the WHOLE story, so they can then act accordingly.
Your mother deserves to be taken care of better than she is and she needs to be in a facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and deserves.
Please do what is best for your mother. By removing her from the home, your brother will then no longer have access to her money for his drugs, and she will get the help she needs. It will be a win win for all involved.

Stacey, short of getting guardianship, I don't see any recourse for you aside from withdrawing from this untenable situation.

I'm so sorry.

My mom is 76 years old, she fell down the stairs at home several times the past 5 years and 2 years ago she is unable to walk. Her husband passed away last May. My brothers and I get her meals every day, take care of the house, etc. She does not get bathed, she gets bed sores and treats them with an ointment, she stays in a hospital bed in her living room. We empty her pure wick container couple times a day. APS is unaware of her dementia. I did tell them I suspect that she has dementia. Her father and sister had it. She is a hoarder and it took me months to clean out and organize her home last year. My brother recently told her I got rid of some of her purses and she calls me a thief. My brother does that so he looks good in her eyes- although both of my brothers and myself were in agreement to throw away donate garage sale etc everything salvageable during the clean out, which I did most of that work.
I have tried calling the police- I’ve had several conversations with them and they cannot do anything. I know they are terrified of retaliation because the people he gets drugs from are from either Detroit or Chicago. I do understand that as I watch Dateline 20/20 etc.
yes I need to move on with my life and remove myself from this negative environment. The only hope I see is that they force my mom into a facility freeze her assets and get her the proper care she desperately needs!

Welcome. I'll focus on Mom & leave out Brother for now. Your description of Mom's condition on your profile (yikes!) Is this current?

What amount of essential self-care can Mom do for herself? Top 5 being eating, toileting, getting around her home, bathing, dressing.

APS knows that nothing that they say will "convince" your mom to change, because folks with dementia have little ability to reason.

Next time you know brother is using, call 911 and have him taken to the ER.

The only thing YOU have the power to change is your behavior. Continue to call APS about the situation and encourage the neighbors to do so.

Withdraw yourself from enabling this situation and start looking for a good Assisted Living or Memory Care facility for your mom.