My 80-year-old mom is widowed for 20 years and now has a new love interest (who is 65). Anyone have experience with these types of situations?

A widower married a younger woman who wiped him out of half a million dollars and then divorced him. He’s broke. She’s long gone.

I’d talk to a lawyer about getting all her assets in a trust — or maybe just tell the guy everything’s buttoned up in an irrevocable trust and see if he sticks around.

I suggest that you take a little trip and get to know this "younger man"
If mom is competent there is little you can do.
You say he is 65 and working a minimum wage job. That is what he is doing now. Is he retired from a previous job that he is collecting a pension or Social Security. And the reason he is working minimum wage job is to keep his earnings under a particular threshold?
I think before you pass judgement you should get to know this man. See what he is like, how he treats mom and how she acts around him.
All that and do a bit of background checking as well.

I would suggest you check this out but sometimes these relationships are legit. My BIL lives in an adult 55+ community. When he was 75, he had a companion who was 90. She treated him like gold and he wasn't looking to take advantage of her. They just enjoyed the same things.

I recommend you spend a bit of money to do a full background check (both credit and criminal.) There are services that you can pay to do that for you. Of course, you don't tell your mother or her bf this unless you find something major that she should know.

Good Morning,

I couldn't help but think--I think they call this being a "cougar".

Basically, bottom line younger men dating older women--usually with money.
Men have been dating younger women for years for looks, however, in this situation, you need to mind Mom's finances.

Years ago, when I owned a business a tall dark handsome young man asked me out. I would walk on my lunch hour and our paths would cross. When he asked me out I actually looked around to make sure he was speaking to me.

He was a "want-to-be-actor" working as a valet, much younger than me. I immediately responded, thank you but I am too old for you, I have a niece and then I continued and besides "I don't have any money". "If you're going to choose an older woman you want one with $$$. That leaves me out".

I told him how old I was. I said I am in my 40's and he responded that's nothing my last girlfriend was older than that.

I knew I would encounter him on a daily basis so I said, "this is one of the nicest things that has ever happened to me...when I'm in my 80's and look back I'll remember you asked me out"! I had to save face, to part with him getting a compliment and I never opened my wallet.

Did you ever see the movie "Georgetown" with Vanessa Redgrave? These things do happen. Loneliness is another issue with the elderly and you don't want fraud, your mother to co-sign or even a marriage proposal which would give you no say over anything.

I would run a background check on him. How did they meet? Some more homework needs to be done immediately before it's too late.

Is your Mom fully capable, that is to say not incompetent, not suffering from dementia? If so there is very little you CAN do. Being head over heels--just what, for your Mom does that mean. Does she see this as a romantic relationship? Does she see this as a "adopted child" she likes, who helps her, and who she can help?
Have you spoken to Mom about your fears, and if so what does she say? Because of course, the truth is that there is nothing whatsoever you CAN do about your Mom's choices, be they poor or good decisions, other than to speak with her.
I would for certain pay a visit. FOR CERTAIN, and now. A good way to meet the new beau and to assess things. Do know that you are well able to hire a private detective, and in my opinion might want to consider it dependent on what your assessment is when you visit.
I am 80. So I am forewarning you, that talking is where you need to start. If she will NOT talk with you (and you need to remain calm and gentle), then I would consider looking into background, but, heck, I might do that for my grandson's girlfriend, too, hee hee (only kidding).
Your choice how to proceed, but as I am said, I am 80, so I would suggest you do it with great caution!

Isn't it interesting that if this was an 80 year old man dating a 65 year old woman no one would think twice about? It sure is a double standard isn't it?
If your mom is happy after being widowed for so long then you should be happy for her as well, though cautiously.
Now that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go and meet him for yourself, and find out what you can about him(and yes that should be done if the man is older than the woman too).
Although your mom appears to be handling things on the homestead, I can't help but wonder if in fact she may not be as competent as you think, as I find it hard to believe that if you yourself was dating a man 15 years your junior that mom would be thrilled about that.
I wish you the very best going forward in this shaky territory.

If she is competent, don't interfere! Be grateful that she has a friend unless or until you have a documentable reason for concern. She may not stay head-over- heels. It may be short-lived. Maybe it's nothing more than a platonic interest of likeminded people.

At 80, some unmarried women are tired of not having anyone to accompany them to social events. Maybe they don't drive much anymore. Their women friends can have limited interests, possibly sick, constantly involved with grandchildren, or otherwise busy. A friend who is a man may be just what they need to be happy, whether a romantic interest or not.

You might suggest that she enroll you as a trusted contact for her financial accounts. That doesn't get you access. It keeps her accounts private. But you are the one the banks would call if there were concerning overdrafts or many large checks made out to the same person. This would set your mind at ease and also protect mom.

If this guy was able to buy a trailer for a dollar, maybe he's just smart.

Is this man on Facebook? If so, start there to check him out. If he sold a business, that business may have had an online presence. Check it out. Are you in touch with any of your mom's friends? Ask them what they think. Do that background check as others have said. I do think you have valid concerns. Lonely people are vulnerable to being duped.

* Be her POA, if you are not already.

* Do a criminal check on him. Get his birthdate. As is possible, ask your mom for his DL #.

* Have you spoken to him on the phone ? Do you want to?

* As others mentioned, get an attorney and get all her property in a trust.

Gena / Touch Matters