I have a moving question, related to care for my elderly mother. Any suggestions?

Definitely share with her that assisted living is her own apartment but transportion is a part of the services . Also there is a daily contact person in the community especially if you are out of state / working.
I would think also they are more of a resource to share knowledge of local services like close banking , housekeepers etc

Unfortunately, care for the elderly is very limited. And it’s getting worse as the baby boomers reach into that bracket. There are not enough facilities, and even when you do find one, most people cannot afford them. The OP said her mother did not have much money to live on, however, did not qualify for state funding. So I doubt that she would be able to afford to pay for any senior living community. Independent, assisted, living, or memory care. Depending on where you live, or I should say where she lives… Reaching out for a care manager, yes, she must pay for it, however, that might be the best bet. Also, there are services in many cities that provide transportation for the elderly to doctors appointments. Of course, most the time there’s a cost for that as well. Some health insurance policies do cover transportation for medical purposes. I agree with the poster that said buying her a house would just be more headaches for you, and not really solve your concerns. Finding doctors is a nightmare in itself!

mollykinnamon: As you state in your profile that your mother has vision problems, she should not be operating a motor vehicle. You state even if you do move your mother from Delaware to Maryland, Virginia or West Virginia that you would not have time to take her to doctor appointments. That sounds like a problem from the get go. Ergo, how will she get transportation?

My parents are in their late 70s. Dad has dementia, mom has a lot of mobility issues and has always been prone to anxiety. She was not coping well with managing dad. I saw all this coming a few years back, got DPOA for both of them, and activated dad's with a letter from the neurologist once he was diagnosed. I moved them both up to a house a couple of miles from mine about 9 months ago. My mom was in favor of this but they would not consider an assisted living or "continuum of care" place for reasons including their dog and having vast amounts of furniture and decorative items that she refused to part with. (I got her to sell or donate about 1/10 before the move).

It has been HARD. As a previous poster has commented, I have to do 95+% for them. Arrange the move, choose the house, hire the movers, drive them 800+ miles, have house ready with sheets on beds and food in fridge and internet already set up, unpack, set up bank accounts, arrange lawn mowing, snow blowing, get their car serviced, pay their bills, do their taxes, run over there if something does not work, deal with it when my dad does crazy things, be my mom's shoulder to cry on, take them to doctors and dentists.

I tried home health aides, she got rid of them. She has a cleaning service that she tolerates OK. And she goes to the grocery store once per week. Has met a few neighbors. Otherwise, is very dependent on me. Will not drive on the highway. He barely speaks at this point and her mental health is not good. I looked at adult daycares for my dad to give her a break and found transportation too, but she will not commit. She has had a hard time with keeping friends for decades now. The anxiety and depression are getting worse, and I can understand that, but I can only do so much. I don't want to drown in it myself.

I also try to do nice things for them every week, whether take them to lunch or some kind of outing. It's a lot as I work full time and have my own family. I do wish they had agreed to assisted living. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. But I know if they were in their own home, it would just become a matter of waiting for a crisis and then the options (for assisted living or skilled nursing facility, etc.) would be much more limited. And she agreed.

Instead of buying a house where she's still all alone all day, look at AL or adult community living. Many of those have people who look in on folks during the day or they are at least a phone call away if help is needed. You can also ask them about transportation to dr appointments. They might be able to arrange Uber to pick up and return her.

Assuming she will have to change doctors when she moves, look for a facility that is in close proximity to where there is elder community apartments. If you know of a teaching/medical college in one of those areas, it will probably be a good thing. They usually have all kinds of doctors for all kinds of problems under one roof. You can arrange multiple appts for one day and get everything done.

One in Houston is Baylor-St Lukes. I've made up to 4 appts in one day and just go from floor to floor, eat lunch there, and get everything done. Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'd rather spend a day at it than to return over and over.

Independent Living or Assisted Living in a Continued Care Facility near you would be excellent.

Talk this through with your mother who sounds A/ O at this time; perhaps make a trip to do this in person with her vs on phone; during this trip, perhaps accompany her to a PCP visit and share your concerns for her safety and well being. Get POA and other legal documents in order while your mother is cognitively appropriate.
If agrees to willingly move, then access resources for her nearest you; look into any financial information that may impact her more or less with the move to another state. You may want to explore what type of senior retirement communities may be available near you insyead of buying a house for her to live ....looking long-term.
Also conferring with local senior aging services in both locations and an Elder Care Attorney may give you both good considerations.

I moved both my parents from Delaware to northern VA almost 4 years ago. Dad has since passed.

if Mom is falling and her health is failing I highly recommend assisted living. The facility my Mom is in (she is bedridden) goes all the way to memory care. They also have independent living if she doesn't require any help from aides.

you need to consider that you are moving her to an area she isn't familiar with and I would be concerned about her driving.

for my sanity my parents were moved into a new facility 1/2 mile from me. I am there most days if the week and if there is an emergency I can be there right away.

making the situation easier on you will make things run much more smoothly for Mom.

Call your elder services in the areas that you are considering (DE included) for your Mom.

They have lots of information, and can answer many questions regarding potential services for your Mom, as well as options regarding places for your Mom.

That said, do not buy a house for your mom unless you plan on taking care of it.

Welcome Molly
What support system does mom have where she is?
You say she is rapidly declining in health. In what way?
For starters: I will tell you that if you are moving her here you are signing on for a WORLD OF WOE and I am being honest with you. You will be arranging EVERYTHING from banking to housing to transportation to MDs and it is impossible to deal with medical anywhere today, let alone in a new place.
You say she is driving. How old is she? Because to my mind, unless I was moving her to a "village" that provides different levels of care from Independent Living at first to total care later, with ALF in the middle, I would not do this. You might start exploring the areas you mentioned on your own without saying a thing to Mom first.
Let's start with who else is available to help Mom if she moves by you OR where she is now. Her age? And most of all, does she WANT to move near you? Has she asked about moving by you? And I would suggest if you know your limitations, and if one is that you don't do aging care at/in your own home 24/7 for an aging person that you DO NOT EVEN BEGIN to attempt ANY of this without explaining that to Mom. Another question: are you POA for your Mother. What has she taken care of at this point for her own aging. I am 80. I will not be moving by my daughter no matter what the future holds. I will treasure visits from her, but I will not be moving to her.
So I am on the no side of all this to start with. Do not begin the wheels moving on this in any way until you do a lot of research into what it will mean to YOU. The fact you are writing this to us shows that is already your thinking. Stick to it..
As far as what states offer? Nothing. Unless you are speaking of medicaid and nursing homes. Then medicaid, being a joint federal and state program differs wildly state to state with some much much better and some much much worse. but they ALL offer NO HELP with basic home care transit and all the things you mention. Not unless the senior is in ALF, which is the only way I would consider this move you are speaking of. And even this is care your Mom pays for, not care offered by the state.
The levels of any care programs is for you to research on their own websites independently. For instance in California you can now keep more than 100,000 and still get medicaid for nursing home. No other state has that. In California we have a 2 1/2 year look back. No other state has that. In California we take the shirt off your back for even considering us, hee hee, and few other states do that. It all varies wildly.
I sure wish you luck and I sure hope you are going to think and do a whole lot of looking on this site, at different subjects, before you even breathe a word of this to your mom.
Again, welcome to Forum and I am so glad you are not putting your cart before your horse. It is very important to do research on all this before you get ready to move on something like this.

mollykinnamon, welcome to northern Virginia - yes, even though you are further out in the country, northern Virginia is creeping up into your neck of the woods. Your area is so beautiful, open countryside, the mountains, historic farms, etc.

There are pros and cons to moving an older parent. Cons would be your Mom would lose her friends, her favorite doctors/dentist, her pharmacy, her hairdresser, favorite grocery stores, seeing the recognizable faces on local TV news, and learning her way around new streets and highways.

The pros are a lot of 55+ communities if one can afford the northern Va. prices of today. There is a brand new 55+ apartment complex for low income seniors being built in Sterling, Va. about 45 minutes from your area heading east. Another pro is the abundance of great doctors, and the regional hospital not far from you and their large complex further down the road.

Depending on where your Mom moves, if she lives in northern Virginia, there is just one major highway going east-west that gets one everywhere. It's gotten to a point that I no longer like driving on that road, and here I am only in my 70's.

Another option, are complexes where one can rent Independent Living, then when needed move within the complex to Assisted Living or Memory Care. There are a lot of these senior facilities in the area, especially in Leesburg. My Dad loved this senior living concept. If not in your Mom's budget, then Winchester WV is a lovely small city which has a large hospital.

You don't mention your Moms age? I am 73 and have told my DH our next move is to a nice apartment. If Moms health is declining, don't think Mom needs a house where she needs to worry about taxes and upkeep.

I live in NJ and go to Del all the time. (No sales tax) I am with you about driving there, the traffic is awful. Can't go anywhere without having to get on a major highway. If your Mom is having trouble making ends meet, maybe its not so much her income but keeping up a house. Houses in Del sell higher than houses where I live. Del has many nice apartment complexes and condos going up all over. Also, Independent living and Assisted living. My daughter worked on Foulk Rd off of 322. Lots of facilities there. Theres a new complex called The Grove in Newark. You may want Mom closer but she may not want to leave whats familiar.

Mom needs to call her Local office of aging to see what is available to her. Del also has bus service that goes all over called Dart. You can check their scedule on-line.

I moved my mom from an AL in another state to a memory care by me.
if an AL is out of the question , look for a independent senior living apartment. At this stage I would not buy a house. Her current home is her nest egg along with her retirement account. Your mom does not qualify for financial help as she has finances to care for herself.

Your mom is declining and it does not get better from here. I wish I had moved my mom here to an AL to start with. If you decide to go the AL route,(which is what I would do) be sure to find one that steps up to memory care and one that will be Medicaid elligible ( for when her funds run out) after period of self pay ( common 1,2, or 3 years)
My mom saw specialist and needed pain medication.. I made those appointments about a month or so before I moved her. The memory care had in house PA come in… depending on your moms needs if the PA can’t handle all , you may need to schedule time off. But the dr merry go round would stop with an AL ..

It sounds like perhaps it would be best to have your mom move into an assisted living facility in VA, near you since you don't want her to be driving and you can't be taking her to all her doctors appointments. The facility will provide transportation to and from her doctors.
Plus in an assisted living facility she will be around other folks her age and get to do lots of fun activities so she won't be bored since you have to work full-time, and she won't have the responsibility of keeping up a home or having to make new friends which will be much harder in a new house and new city.
And that way you will be close if any major health issues should arise.
Is your mom open to moving closer to you, and are you her medical and durable POA? What are her thoughts about all this?
Before you get all stressed out about all this(sounds like you already are)I would sit down with her and find out exactly what she wants.
Best wishes.

We need more info on mom’s needs. My father went to so many doctors and I believe most of them were out of boredom. Sadly moving her will take up a lot of your time. It was a lot of work getting my father out of his apartment and into assisted living. Is she capable of navigating public transportation or using Uber?

There are Care Managers that can take on the task of getting her to all the doctor appointments. They can be with her and relay information to you. (there is a cost to this that mom should pay for)
And I suppose to that does she REALLY need all those doctors? Or can it be narrowed down to a manageable few.
Does mom want to move?
Getting established in a new area is difficult. Finding new friends is difficult. Learning where things are is difficult. Leaving all that you have known for a long time can set someone back. (even if they do not have dementia.)
Would moving her into an Assisted Living near where she is now be a better option. She will still be near friends, can still keep her doctors and most AL will transport residents to the doctor and back. That eliminates some of her driving. They also take residents to stores for shopping, again eliminating driving.
As she declines and needs more help the staff will be there to help when needed. And they will also be your eyes and inform you if there are problems.

Welcome, Molly!

Does your Mom want to move?

How old is your mom?

If she needs support/assistance/transportation, is her buying a house a good idea?