My mother (65) had a stroke back in November, and has been in a rehabilitation facility since. She only has use of her right side and cannot walk. She also has dementia. We had originally planned to send her to long term care because I believe that’s where she should be to get the care she needs. The hospital did a complete 180 and at our family meeting they had already told my mom before asking us she is going home this Wednesday and want me to be a 24/7 caregiver. She had already accepted going to long term care before this point but now she is set on going home. I am in the process of getting help for a list long of mental health conditions and I’m afraid because I can hardly take care of myself let alone someone who needs the level of care she requires. I would be doing all of this on my own with 1 hour of help a day for 6 weeks from nurses.
I honestly don’t feel this is the safest option for her, but I live in Canada so I’m hearing our wait lists are a year long, which makes sense for why the hospital was pushing so hard, unless it is an emergency. I think this should be an emergency since we are not even sure if she can keep the house she is in. She had an abusive boyfriend who is currently going through court proceedings because of his abuse, and they both have their names on the house. Not even sure how long her house will be available to her.
I feel they are just pushing her out of the rehab facility because they need to, not because it is the safe or right thing to do. They want me to make a decision by Tuesday if I’m going to bring her home, and if so she would be discharged Wednesday. She will be in a wheelchair and she doesn’t have use of her left hand or leg. Honestly, another component to this is we had an awful relationship and she cut me out of her life like 18 years ago to pursue her romantic relationships. The only relationship we have had is going out to dinner once in a while. When we did live together we butted heads a lot and didn’t get along. I’m worried this will be an absolute nightmare and I’ll be stuck in a situation I’m not prepared to be in. I should also mention I have fibromiyalgia and arthritis in my knees, so I’m unsure of my ability to do the transfers. (I’m 28 years old) I guess I’m posting this just to see opinions of others. I feel so guilty having to do this but my heart tells me it’s the right thing for her to be in LTC. Thank you in advanced for your replies!
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The hospital will say whatever it needs to to make her anyone else's problem. Every single hospital stay for either of my parents, I was asked if I was the caregiver. When I said, "No." That put an end to the pressure. They have to ask and they have to find alternative solutions when you say "No.". Only you can force yourself into this, really bad idea, situation.
Please do not get bullied into doing something you know you can't and don't want to. It will not end pretty. BTDT
Why will people shoot themselves in the foot like this..! We would love to take responsibility for my EX wife living in her own home which her abusive ex-boyfriend can't enter because there is a ferocious restraining order poised ready to bite him if he does... Only my daughter is mentally ill so this might all be a bit much for her and my wife wouldn't want me caring for her... but oh, okay, if you folks all think that's best I'm sure we'll cope somehow...
No. Just no. It's a NO.
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Your mother deserves far better care than being isolated at home with one unqualified caregiver.
She needs professional long term care. Period.
How DARE they!
I think this is a great opportunity and starting point for you. Good luck!
OMG. This is your mom’s friend trying to manipulate and strong arm you here? She is WAY out of bounds and out of her frickin’ (pardon my French 😉) mind if she is saying, among other things, that heavy-duty 24/7 caregiving might be good for a person with mental health challenges. That is totally false!
Wow, this “friend” is one nervy dame!
That's a bit of wisdom that I'm sure I'm mis-quoting...but it sure sounds like it might apply here.
When I was under much family pressure to provide hands-on care for family members - I sought some counselling advice.
The councellor pointed out some facts;
1. I was female
2. I lived close by
3. I had good care skills
Was my sex, proximity & nature being exploited? Were these facts being used for unrealistic expectations?
Our joke became my yardstick measure. What if instead..
I was a man & was a long-haul truck driver in Canada?
What would the expectation that I take on caregiving be then?
Zero? (Not saying guys couldn't or wouldn't, just how the expectations would change)
thats so true! We are expected to take on that caretaking role. I think it’s also because they know I take care of my dad also so I do have a good nature in terms of taking care of my family... so that definitely makes a lot of sense!
I know you probably care about Mom or you wouldn't be involved but you can't do this. You need to stand up to these people and say they have not asked you what you want or think. This woman abandoned you at 10 for her boyfriends, you owe her nothing. You don't work right now because of your own health problems that can be debilitating. So how do they even think you can do 24/7 caregiving. That is slavery. Then you have been diagnosed with a mental illness. Your Dad walks with a walker. If there is anyone you should care for it would be him. Mom cannot be discharged to her home. There is no one to care for her. Her boyfriend is in jail on a restraining order. So my answer is NO I will not be my Moms caregiver. My Dad...he hasn't been married to this woman for 18 yrs. He really has no say it what happens to her. So you all have to figure how YOUR going to handle this situation. Then walk out or hang up.
That’s a great idea I didn’t even consider that!
of course I care for her, and I feel bad for what has happened to her since she is so young to have to go through something like this.. but I can’t imagine having to take on that role 24/7 when I struggle with day to day activities such as keeping my house clean already. It’s already tough in my current living condition because I live with 3 people and I’m basically the only person who cleans, so I really struggle to keep up. I can’t imagine dealing with a situation like this, having to provide 24/7 care to my mom. It may be different if she was more mobile but I just can’t see it.
thats another issue I have is, I really don’t want to leave my dad. He is older than my mom (72) and I literally just had to call an ambulance for him recently and he spent a month in the hospital because he gets really bad UTIs. He also went 3 years ago with the same issue and it got so bad he almost died because of sepsis. I need to be here to monitor him because he’s terrified of the hospital and won’t go on his own when he needs to... and I feel I’m basically somewhat of a caregiver for him already because I help him go to all his appointments and everything. He is still semi independent but I have to help with a lot of things since he has a walker. He doesn’t accept the fact that he needs me to be here too because he grips super hard to wanting to be independent and doesn’t really realize how much I help him with around here. I do all the laundry and clean the house, help with groceries, everything. So leaving this behind would also be stressful, I care so much for my dad too. Thought that would be good to explain because it’s definitely added stress to my currently already somewhat stressful situation.
I agree, the decision is mine. I will call them on Tuesday (since Monday is family day here in Canada) and let them know the answer is no. I think they knew I was leaning towards that and that’s why they weren’t letting me speak. That’s another thing that happened! At the end of the meeting the doctor came back in and said that he “didn’t think my mom had dementia and she was misdiagnosed” based on the conversation we had at the meeting, not based on any tests. I talk to my mom every day and she is definitely not there cognitively, whether it’s brain damage from the stroke or dementia. I was told it’s “vascular dementia”. It just felt they were trying so convince me it was a good idea to do this.
Like this:
"1. This would be an unsafe discharge.
2. I'm moving to Florida, to start a business with my new friend, Cxmoody."
Then, the rehab will HAVE to find a placement for Mom. They will have no other choice.