What do you do with a 61 yr old toxic emotionally abusive sister to my 86 year old Mom? I live with her and feel I should be protecting her.

So let me give you a little bit of perspective. My mom is a bit younger than yours. But when my father died, my brother decided to exercise his ¨authority¨ as ¨man of the family¨ and told mom how things were going to be from then on. Honestly, I think he was overwhelmed with grief because he had removed himself as much as possible from watching dad deteriorate and had really tried to avoid seeing what was happening because he was angry with dad for some of the things that were happening, but that is another story.

But he puffed up his chest and told Mom that he was the man of the family now and that she needed to listen to him. Mom paused for a minute and started laughing. He is almost six feet tall so she looked up at him and said something along the lines of ¨little boy, I am far from needing you or anyone else to tell me what I am going to do. I did not need a man to tell me what I was going to do when your dad was alive, I certainly do not need one now. You can march your butt right on out of my house if you think you are going to tell me how I am going to run my life."

Why do I tell you this? From your description - it sounds like your mom is still taking care of business. She raised five daughters. She is still in control of her life. If she is not happy with the way your sister is treating her, would she not speak up and tell her so herself? Has this particular sister always gotten away with things that no one else did? Did your mom always ignore her bad behavior? Maybe your mom knows something that you are not aware of?

My mom has always said that she was not going to manage my relationship with my brother. But she has also asked me not to manager her relationship with him either - unless the time comes that she is no longer competent to do so and she needs someone to step in and manage all of her relationships for her. It puts your mom in a tough spot between you and your sister. I get it, you feel protective of your mom. I see my brother do things that I do not really appreciate when it comes to my mom. But she is strong enough to handle him if it bothers her - and frequently does.

I think about this from the perspective of my own daughters. There are days that I would cheerfully ring their necks. In particular my oldest daughter right now struggles with feeling closed in at home (even though she really is not, she feels like she is) and as a result she fights against us no matter what we say or do when she is home from college. We can do no right until she needs us. I feel like every time I open my mouth I insert my foot. Even when I am 100% right. But no matter how bad it gets, I love her with all of my heart. And teenagers and young adults - especially girls - can be vicious.

I realize this is not the same - but in a way - it is. That is still her daughter. To you it is abusive - and I have no doubt that it is not easy to see and hear. But to her, that is still her daughter and that is not something that is easy to ignore. It is intolerable to you because you do not like or want to see your mom hurt, and I totally get that (and agree with it) but to her, that is her baby, just like you are, and it is not something she is going to consider lightly to not forgive her and move on if the opportunity presents itself.

We live in the age of removing/canceling people. And I am not 100% against that believe me. There is a time and a place for it, most definitely. But I also believe in forgiveness and working on relationships too. That is not to say that you should tolerate toxic people whatsoever. But as a mom, I can see how it would be hard to put aside my child if I could see any inkling of hope that we might be able to save the relationship.

Can you provide examples of your sister's manipulation of your mother? From the description you gave of your mother, she seems functional in many aspects of her life & is probably more aware of your sister's problems than you give her credit for. May I ask what you expect the end result(s) to be in this situation?

Your mother is able to forgive her daughter, but the problem seems that you are unable to forgive your sister. I am the younger of two sister's that have never gotten along well. Either we're close as thieves or at each other's throats. These past few years my older sister has called my 88 year old father complaining about me, which not only puts him in an uncomfortable situation, but upsets him greatly. He doesn't need this sort of BS at this stage of his life.

I say this to you with a loving heart, the only person you can change is yourself. Those pesky expectations are difficult to let go of...I know. I've had plenty disappointments myself. Putting your mom in the middle, threatening your sister with elderly abuse, and expecting your mother to feel as you do in regards to your sister, is unhealthy for all three of you. Perhaps you can work on your own Forgiveness towards your sister.

I think you'll find that you will be pleased with and maybe surprised at the outcome.

You have labeled your sister as "toxic" and "abusive".
Does your mother agree with those labels? Because it is entirely possible that she sees your sister as fragile and needy.
So I would say this question is for your Mom, not us. She shouldn't be treated like a child, whose decisions have to be made for her. She is an adult you describe as driving, and still very able to make her own decisions. It is a bit dismissive to suggest it is your duty to decide her relationship to her own child in my humble opinion.
Your Mom's relationship with your Sister, whatever the latter's personality or behavior is up to your Mom entirely.
Leave it in her own hands. It is her child. Your Mom will know what is best for her.

What's your sister's beef? Have you ever discussed it with her?

If your mother isn’t being neglected or physically harmed, don’t look for any government agency to step in and take any action. If your mother is of sound mind as you indicate, her choices on taking toxic behavior and then letting it go, are hers to make. She could easily turn on you if you attempt to step in. Consider if your siblings would join you in either discussing the situation with sister or mother to find a solution. Having others in agreement with what you’re seeing may help