How to let go?

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Bubba12345 Asked February 2023

How to let go?

I have been caregiving for my mother and father in law for the last 8 years.
while working full time. They first lost thier mobility and then the dementia set in. My husband and I have done endless things over the years. He has 5 brothers that could help but did not. N ow my husband has Depression and High blood pressure. We were almost divorced after being married 43 years.
We decided to save our marriage get a nurse in the home and move out of town to start over. Hoping that the other members of the family would be forced to help out. A couple of them did for a few months. My mother in law threw the nurse out . Pop fell not once but twice in the last 2 weeks now we have 24 /7 care in the house and all the arrangements for that always fall on me. I still help from a distance because I have all the doctor ,insurance I pay their bills online. My mother in law has been told that in order to stay in her home she has to have help but she turns them away and makes threats to them to get out of her house. I started with a good heart years ago wanting to help her but now I am bitter and my husband seems to be grieving the loss of his family. There was a history of abuse in the family by Pop, the boys stepfather. I do not know what to do

Burnout Long-distance Caregiving Refusing Care Siblings

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score 3 · Answer 1

"She bullies him because of what he did to her and her sons. I had forgotten about the geriatric Care manager, I went to a meeting and met one of them when my own mother had dementia. I will let the POA know about that because I have done my best and do not know what more I can do."

Karma!

You seem to be stuck on your belief that the do-nothing brothers must step up. But they don't have to. And your H never had to, either. Besides, regardless of your belief, you can't make someone else do something. The only thing you can change is what you do.

So one of the brothers is the POA? Then it's very simple -- turn everything over to that brother immediately. MIL and step-FIL are no longer your concern. Is that brother also the HCPOA?

I really hope that you aren't continuing on in your role as care manager even though you've moved because your H is bullying you into doing that. She's not your mother and he's only your stepFIL. Let the POA deal with all of it.

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score 4 · Answer 2

Helping from a distance to me, seems very stressful. With you paying the bills and dealing with the doctors, you still have a considerable stake in their well-being. MIL turning away help is unfortunately normal, especially if there is no one present who forces MIL to accept the situation.

Since MIL doesn't like the hired help (and probably will never like anyone other than you), I would suggest talking to the doctor and having him give them an ultimatum. Move both into a managed care facility. If both have dementia, perhaps they can get a room together in a MC ward.

Also, I would put as much of their care as you can into the managed care facility, in other words, let the facility file insurance, let the insurance pay them, let them take the in-laws to their appointments.

Allow your husband to visit his family in the center as much as he likes. The only issue is that it will be emotional and potentially gut wrenching for him, no matter how the visits go.

If both of you agree that the marriage is worth salvaging, then both of you need to work on salvaging your marriage as your #1 priority. The problems with the in-laws needs to become noise in the overall scheme of things in your marriage. Keeping a marriage going when it came so close to divorce, is very hard work.

Helpful Answer (4)

Ditto. Been there when caring for my own parents , one of which was a controlling narcissist her whole life who then had a stroke and dementia . Dad couldn’t see that she was controlling and defended her. Almost lost my own marriage , but we survived. Now on round 2 with difficult FIL with dementia , also demanding we stop our lives to help him live his “ independent lifestyle .” He wants us to do things for him his way and he wants out of assisted living . We are at the point of telling him we did what needed to be done to get what he needs . If he wants out of assisted living he has to do everything for himself ,find a place to live , his bills , get to the doctor, get his own meals etc. Just being able to barely walk and dress yourself is not independent living .

(1)

score 4 · Answer 3

Aging in Place, or Aging at Home. How sweet it sounds - in theory. How different the reality can be.

Bubba, you have given a wonderful gift of care to your in-laws for 8 long years. Congratulate yourself now.

As you well know, life happens. People age. Can lose their mobility & rational thinking skills too. Making the task even harder.

Your gift of hands-on care had to change - so visiting nurses were added. Then live-in.

If this is still not enought, it is time for more changes. From small tweaks & adjustments, to more services, to a geriatric manager.

Or maybe it's time for a whole new plan.
Maybe your 'gift' expires here?

Are you / DH the POA or legal Guardian for MIL & FIL?

Because I agree with Ann, if Plan A) Age at home & B) at home with more services is not enough/cancelled/too hard, then Plan C) Care home is next.

I've decided today to add to my list of Plan D)s;
Dump (as in ER dump)
Decay (at own peril)
Demise.

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Love the plan D, very realistic for many stubborn elders.

(2)

score 0 · Answer 4

I am so sorry to not answer sooner. My husband is the 4th son in the birth order. Yes my Stepfather in law abused her and the boys. Even though it was a long time ago it still is painful every time they walk into the same house that it happened. My husband's real father died when my mother-in-law was carrying number 6 son....so sad ..she married 5 years later. I will try to answer all the questions. they both have dementia he is very calm now and she is not. She bullies him because of what he did to her and her sons. I had forgotten about the geriatric Care manager, I went to a meeting and met one of them when my own mother had dementia. I will let the POA know about that because I have done my best and do not know what more I can do. I wish we could find a cure for this disease because its very hard to remember all the good things when they are always making you feel horrible. I do not know what you mean by his brothers not stepping up because its not fair that for all the times Hes asked for their help and they ignore him. I really thank all for your input it has been so helpful.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Some more questions...where is your father in the birth order? Just curious, since he alone stepped up to help out among 6 brothers.

Didn't your stepfather-in-law also abuse your MIL? Does he still do that?

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score 3 · Answer 6

You were living in a situation that had no balance at all, and fortunately for you and your husband AND HIS PARENTS, you decided to invoke some measures to afford all parties the opportunity to have balance restored.

There is only RARELY the chance to right this without grief-pain-heart break.

You have observed and lived in a life that has given very few comfortable, “easy” solutions, and you have SURVIVED IT.

Anything done on behalf of your in-laws MUST be based SOLELY on their safety, BECAUSE that’s all they’ve left for ANY of their family to do.

Now that the original dynamic has shifted, you all will have to assume a position of “wait and see”.

If you are an “unofficial fall-on-me” manager, you might inform the rest of the brothers that you are stepping down and that a GERIATRIC CASE MANAGER will be a potential solution that you will all need to consider.

There ARE caregivers available who turn a deaf ear to the “threats”, and every agency we used EMPLOYED some of them. Your MIL needs to realize that she cannot be safely cared for by attempting to maintain her own control.

Are any of you considering finding the best possible residential care for them? Is it time? If “Plan A” isn’t working as well as possible, isn’t it time for “Plan B” (or C or D etc……)?

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Thank you so much for the kind words.

(0)

score 7 · Answer 7

Bubba, it's not up to the brothers to "step up".

At some point, if the in-laws keep ending up in the hospital and no one shows up to collect them or "sign for delivery" as I like to think about it, the hospital discharge team will declare them an unsafe discharge and find a facility for them.

Folks with dementia should not be driving the bus.

Helpful Answer (7)