Our 97-year-old mum does not like being on her own & now considering a care home, but I can’t let go after looking after her for over 2 years at my home. Any advice?

Choose the in facility care for your Mom. Your obligation is you your own family. This, as you tell us, cannot go on. If you have been on this forum for any time you will understand that this is the same dilemma that almost all of the members face. You are right. It's awful. But not everything can be fixed. Some things just have to be endured best we can, and this is one of them.

Ok, now I'm confused. You say that you and your whole family are all stressed out over your mums care, yet you don't want to honor her wishes and let her go into a care home. Why?
Let her go into a "care home" so she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and the rest of your family can get on with living and enjoying your lives. It will be a win win for all involved.

Please allow your mother to go to a care home. You can visit as often as you like.

I agree with the others. You are grieving who she was in the past; your mother (amazingly) is looking ahead. She won't get younger, she is one fall away from a crisis. You are doing all of you a favor to get her moved and adjusted ASAP. You are not abandoning her. You can spend time with every day if you choose to, and go back to being her daughter and leave the caregiving to someone else. (Trust me, you will still be the team manager!) And if you are feeling shame or guilt (which is not a word I use), let it go. You are actually showing her great love and respect. You've got this.

You have become a roadblock to your mother doing what is right for her. Ask yourself "What is my payoff, why can't I let go?".

Their is no awful problem, you are trying to create one.

Do as she asks, let her go, focus on your family, husband, children, grands, that is what you should be doing in the first place.

Time for the both of you to move on.

Most people have the opposite problem that their LO does not want to go to a residential facility. How fortunate your mother is willing and ready to make that move.

Let go of your own need to feel useful and needed by having your mother in your home. Help her make the move that will give all of you more independence.

Welcome, Izzabelle,

Why do you feel you can't let mom go to a care home?

Is she considering Assisted Living?

Has she had a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging so that you know what sort of facility to look for? That is often the best first step.

Do you feel it is your obligation to take care of your mother?
Even if she goes to facility you still will.
Caring is not just keeping parents or partners at home.
My husband although unlikely for dementia to show up but motor skills diminishing with Parkinson’s he will likely in few years or even months need help I cannot provide physically. Going to live in facility will be beneficial for him, I cannot provide 24/7 care, exercise, recreational activities and medical assistance. And he agrees 100%.
We need to be realistic, put emotions aside.

The question is "Why can't you let go"? You will need to do some soul-searching to answer that question. In the meantime, you and your mom need to find a care home. Your mom is 97 years old. She has earned the right to choose whether she lives with you or in a care home. My aunt was 95 when her daughter insisted on my aunt living with her. It lasted one year. My aunt was a very independent person and her daughter liked to "mother" her. After my aunt insisted that she move to a care home, she lived contentedly until she was 101 years old. She and her daughter remained affectionate and respectful until my aunt passed away.

If your mother wants or is willing to and able to afford a care home, let her. There are many options she can choose from to fit her needs and life style. Your family will be less stressed and can enjoy visiting with your mom and you can have her to your home for visits or family functions. It will be so much better for everyone. LET HER GO!