Mom has been retired for at least 10 years
Step-dad (who had enough himself) had taken care of all her bills for this time and she was able to spend her own retirement as she saw fit on herself. She mostly sat on couch this last decade smoking her butts and more while scrolling Facebook. She no longer crafts or play games on ipad.
He recently passed leaving her and his kids to split in thirds all his monies and the sale of an 8 room 800k house
I've lived with mom and stepdad part time in summers last three years as I am recently divorced and would rent the rest of year in a vacation spot in same state.
Since his passing in January I moved home quit my manager job in Healthcare for a less stressful job and for less hours as I realize my mom needed more help with hygiene, eating and most importantly for her mental health.
In two weeks she had to deal with large bills, appliances breaking, step kids manipulating her about her own portion of funds from their dad. And of course all the while in full grieving actions
It pushed her over. My mom who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the years past. My mom who stopped taking her meds 4 years ago. My mom spent 4 days in a full panic and manic state. No sleep x3 nights, not eating. Manic talking. Switching from highs and lows. Manic talking. Emotionally only thinking and more.
I talked with her for almost 24 hours about seeing a Dr. Found out she has no primary as she confessed she dropped him when she weaned off old mental health medication.
I called around and got her assessed at a medical center with behavioral health.
Her potassium and hydration levels were extremely low (from horrible eating habits) but even getting those levels up we all saw she was still manic.
Drs admitted her to psych unit for a few days.
I know this was best. I know I did the right thing as my brother was out of state and it's just me.
My question is really what should I expect after she discharges? How can I help her when she's so stubborn with her own horrible self-habits?
How can I manage stress from it all for bf and me as we take care of it all?
Oh and of course she has two very aging dogs who are very spoiled by them previously that we've taken over completely too because she neglects their needs, too.
Thank you for letting me share.
5 Answers
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Were you planning to retire anyway? You say that you are struggling with your own health issues. Please don’t overdo. I just read your profile. Your mom has considerable needs.
Your mom is only 69 and most likely wouldn’t want to go to a facility where a staff could monitor her meds but that would probably be the best option for her.
If she is having frequent mood swings she is going to take meds on a regular basis and she doesn’t sound like she would be the type to be responsible enough to do so on her own.
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with these issues. Do you have medical POA for your mom? I would want to hear the results from her doctors myself rather than second hand information from your mother.
Best wishes to you and your mother. Keep us posted.
Are you willing to continue to live with Mom at least till she gets back on her feet? Is StepDads Will been Probated and closed or still open? If still open, who is Executor, I hope not Mom with her history she can't handle this. Get a lawyer and let him become Executor. His fee will come out of the Estate. You need to tell the stepchildren to step back and if they don't you will be filing harassment charges. Your Mom does not need them on her. The Will stands. They each get 1/3. Their Dad had an obligation to his wife.
If u don't have POA, I would have Mom assign me. Its a tool and if she doesn't want the State stepping in at some point, she needs to assign you, and make the POA immediate. This will help you get financial info and help you with her bills. Its a financial tool, it does not mean you physically have to care for her. It helps you place her too.
I would say if the house has not sold, probate has not been closed. POA will help you sell the house. Just put it in the realtors hands. With 1/3 of 800k, she should have no problem finding a nice apt or going into independent living or a Assisted living. I would opt for an AL where her meds could be managed.
I really think you need a lawyer to protect Mom. If there is a Mortgage, the estate may have to pay it and maybe some other things like taxes. At this point the house is not her's, its the estates.
I would stay until all this is settled. Make sure she is safe and cared for somewhere. I would not want the State in control of all this money. She will have enough to live comfortably somewhere.
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There is very little power that even a POA can have over someone who is mentally ill, and this sounds like a good deal more than anxiety and depression, and moreover someone not compliant with medications. If you take on POA there would still be nothing you could do as a citizen doesn't lose any rights because they are mentally ill. And if you have POA you can be help responsible in some cases.
I would leave your Mother in the hands of the city and state and report her as an adult in danger to APS when she needs care. I am sorry, but not everything can be fixed, but mental illness can take down an entire family along with the sufferer.
I wish I had better news, and you might want to speak with an elder law attorney for options or a licensed social worker who does private practice for options. But if you are thinking of giving up your own job and savings for your future to steep yourself in what is likely to be an ongoing drama without any answer, I think it is sacrificing your one life on an altar for no good reason. Awful to say, but is the way I see it. Get the book.
I am so sorry to make this such a hard welcome to the Forum, and hope things work out better than my predictions.
Has your mother given away her funds from your stepfather's death to your stepsiblings? How much money are we talking about? (Is it enough to facilitate facility living for her?)
I assume you are now making less money, so now we have you sacrificing your financial future for her. No, no, no.
You are in the position now to tell the psych hospital that there is no one to take care of her when she is discharged. UNSAFE DISCHARGE should be your mantra. Sounds like she cannot live alone.
You will probably come to regret it if you move in with her and attempt to become her 24/7/365 caregiving slave. BF may not stick around. Why would he?
I wouldn't have taken in someone else's dogs, either.