My mother has dementia, narcissism, paranoia and is delusional. She lives next door and is very cruel. What can I do? Help!

I would call APS to evaluate also. HowEVER, I would not take on her care, nor would I become POA and I would make that very clear to her. I am sorry that you either moved near her or she near you. Whether she has mental illness or dementia I doubt very seriously that you can help her and she could well damage your health when you have honestly been through quite enough. Tell APS that she will, if needs be, need to become a ward of the state. That other than blood connection you consider her no relation nor are you able to manage nor control her. They can move her to hospitalization, thence to placement should need be. Other than that, cameras and good locks and if need be a restraining order so that she can be picked up for 5150 evaluation in circumstances like this. GOOD CAMERAS.
You are correct. You could not have done anything for your son as it was his choice not to address this or was beyond his human powers to control it. That doesn't make it hurt less. You are surrounded on all sides by toxic people. You are going to have to be ruthless in your own protection and I would suggest counseling if you feel you need it for boundaries. I am so sorry for all you are going through and wish you the best.

I would call APS to evaluate her. If they say she needs 24/7 supervision then try and get her to the doctors, Neurologist if possible, and get them to put in writing she needs 24/7 care. Then you need to figure out what she can afford. She definitely needs Memory Care that Medicaid won't pay for. If she doesn't have that kind of money then LTC with Medicaid paying their share and Mom using her SS and pension if she has one.

My Mom had 20k left. April I started the Medicaid application, May 1st I placed Mom in LTC. The 20k paid for May and June. June I confirmed with her caseworker I had spent down her money and they had all the info they needed and Medicaid started July 1st.

So what I am saying, if Mom has money for money for a couple of months or more, use it to get her into a place that will except Medicaid. It will be better to start out private pay. Her house and car are exempt until she passes or you sell them. If you sell them while she is living, they have to sell at Market rate and proceeds used for her care. If after her death, then Medicaid will expect to be paid back.

You have my sympathy for the troubles with your son, and my respect for how you have dealt with it.

The problem now is Mother. My suggestion would be to invest in a ‘spy hole’ through the door, an external light so you can see who is there, and a speaker phone on the door. If you find that M is outside the door, don’t open it. Tell her to go back home next door and phone to tell you the issues.

The alternative of calling 911 makes sense, except that if M clobbers you with something heavy (like tools), you may not be able to phone 911. If she sounds dangerous, phone 911 from inside in safety. If this happens regularly, build up a 911 history, get a restraining order, and let ‘the system’ deal with her. You don’t need another family tragedy, and you have other people who need you. “Putting up with this” could easily lead to disaster - for you, the family, and also for M.

Srades, welcome.

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. Deal with addiction makes those trying to help so powerless. I'm glad you understand that you had no ability to stop your adult son from drinking.

I would pursue two different tacks with your mom.

If she shows up at your door and is harassing you, threatening you, attacking you, treat the situation just as you would if she was a stranger--call 911. She needs to be detained on an involuntary psychiatric hold.

I would also call Adult Protective Services in your community. Explain the issue to them and report that she is a vulnerable adult in need of supervision that you are neither qualified nor able to supply.

Are you in touch with her doctor?

Welcome to the forum, SHRADES64

First of all. my sincerest condolences on the loss of your son. You’re right, there wasn’t any way that you could have prevented your son’s alcoholism. It’s a disease, just like any other disease.

My mother lost her first born son to addiction. My brother would get clean for awhile but struggled horribly to remain sober and would relapse. It was awful for everyone. Addiction affects the entire family. He died in 2013.

Al-Anon is helpful. I’m glad that you reached out to them for support.

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with such a troubling situation with your mother. You certainly don’t need any more heartache while grieving for your son.

Dementia is devastating for a family to experience. It sounds like it may be time to look for a facility to place your mom. She will receive care 24/7 and you will be able to take care of yourself and visit when you are able to.

Have you discussed your mom’s recent situation with her doctor?

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

Well, it appears that she has dementia. Who has her Durable POA? The only clarity I can give you is to start working on getting her placed in a home for your own well-being and safety.

This will not get better, only worse and there is no cure. If she is aggressive to you or anyone else, I would call 911 to start building a file.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this but it is not uncommon in the world of dementia.