Mom refusing to allow install of safety bars where she lives. Any suggestions?

Sounds like your mom could be suffering from dementia, based on all of her unhinged behavior. She should get tested by her doctor with a MoCA or SLUMS cognition test and scored accordingly.

Your sister has to lay down the law: this is HER house, HER rules, and if mom is so against having safety bars installed in her daughter's bathroom, she can move to Shady Acres Assisted Living where there are ALREADY such safety features installed in all the bathrooms. It's common sense 101.

Why on earth did your sister take mom in when she has such difficulty doing anything HER way and must jump to do things mom's way? That's a short lived experiment, I think........one that will fail and make both of you realize that mom needs senior managed living where she can act out with all the other residents (which she won't) instead of with her loving daughters. Autonomy is the greatest gift any 'child' can give her senior parents; living in their OWN space and making their own decisions (to some degree) is what allows them to feel independent, in the long run.

Your sister should have those bars installed in her bathroom b/c even if mom moves out, those bars are great for all of us as we age.

Best of luck.

Alwayshelp, ah yes, how I remember my Mom's reaction to having various things installed in their house per suggestion of a female accessibility expert.

My Dad was all for it, but not my Mom [both in their 90's]. It would ruin the "decor" of the house, yada, yada, yada. Good grief, it's not like she was hosting a fancy get together every weekend, it was just I and hubby who visited.

So a couple months later my Dad made an appointment with a plumber. The male plumber made the same suggestions and Mom was more than happy to have the work done.

My Mom always had issues with other women making suggestions. Mom even didn't like doctors who were female as she believed male doctors were so much smarter. I always had to bite my tongue as I was the smashing of the glass ceiling type.

So, I wonder if your Mom is doing the same thing?

I agree with what has been said.

Your sister's house, so she does what she wants, not what her guest wants. Mom really has no say in the matter.

Get her checked for dementia. So much of what you wrote made me wonder if she is either has a current UTI or dementia.

Keep being there for your sister, Alwayshelp. Don't let mom cause any divisions between the two of you. Your sister has taken on a lot of responsibility. You don't say where she lived before moving in with your sister. If she was with you, then you already know what your sister is experiencing.

Sister can tell mom...these are for me..you do not have to use them if you do not want to.
Chances are mom WILL use them because they will be there and it is a normal thing to use what is handy to help yourself. (One of the reasons I suggest people remove "towel bars" next to showers or tubs because "towel bars" will not support someone and the natural thing is to grab hold of one when you get out of the shower or tub. Same with the bars on glass shower doors, people use those to support themselves and they are not intended to be used in that manner.)

The bigger problem is the elephant in the room.....her behavior. Agreed, a lot is going on and is disconcerting to mom. However, being irrational about simple things like safety measures leads me to believe much more is happening with her mental and emotional state. Acting out with such defiance and lack of control is a red flag. Excuses for her outbursts will only prolong the inevitable.....the need to be tested for a possible UTI or dementia. One is pretty easily treated, the other needs to be met with caution and careful deliberation......This isn't easy, I wish you the best of luck.

I agree, your sisters house, her responsibility to make sure Mom is safe.

I think Mom needs to be evaluated for a Dementia. It may be her anxiety and being in a new place but I would have her PCP evaluate. Make an appt late in the day. This is when "sundowning" shows up. People early on in their Dementia can "showtime". Meaning they can seem normal for a period of time but can't keep it up. If mom was living alone, you may not have notice her cognitive decline.

As Wendstrong has said, get your mother away from the house to get those grab bars installed for her safety. Get her evaluated by her doctor for UTI and other health conditions. If your mother complains after all the bar installation work is completed, it is time to place her into a facility for her safety and care.

Getting mom placed would seem to be the best option if mom is exhibiting uncooperative behavior.

Does mom have dementia?

I always remember a moment, shortly after mom entered rehab after a stroke. Mom started exhibiting very strange behavior, became delusional and irrational about a lot of things.

I think we all had assumed that mom would complete rehab and go live with my brother and his wife, who got along with her and were best situated to care for her.

My dear, dear SIL, the kindest person in the world said "well, mom can't come to live with us if she's crazy".

It was the most accurate assessment of the situation possible. It would NEVER have worked, despite how much love there was on all sides.

Mom went to a good facility and lived well there for a long time.

Dementia is a game changer.

If she's unwilling to have adjustments made that keep her safe, it's facility time for mom. Luckily it's your sister's problem, don't let it become yours.

This is a rough one, since your mom lives with your sister, in your sister's home.
The only option, as I see it, is that you support your sister as much as you can to 'empower' her to make decisions that are in your mom's best interest, and not allow your mom's response / behavior to dictate your sister's decision-making.

* Having gone through all this prep to do what is right - to have your mom 'take over' during the critical time of installation is truly unfortunate - and for anything to do with her safety - and changes (as installation, etc). This scenario must change. Some ideas of how ...

* For any 'improvements,' tell your sister that:

1) either your mom is taken out for lunch or something when these things are done; and / or
2) Sister needs to learn how to feel secure / confident in her decision making and be clear with 'mother' - this is being done for you. ... or/and "I know you have feelings about this and I understand that; this is being done for your safety... then change the subject.

3) Your sister needs to learn to:
a) Not to argue (or be right) and
b) Not talk logic - with / to your mom.

These / this way of communication doesn't work.

And most (99.99%) of family fall into that hell hole due to:

1) they do not know how to respond - not having this experience before; and

2) these communications are often life-long instilled patterns of behaviors between parent and their children.

3) Your sister isn't (totally) reacting out of what's happening now, she is reacting from a lifetime pattern of behaviors - and psychological / emotional responses. I believe your sister is TRIGGERED and needs to understand this in order to have the will and confidence to change.

4) Your sister might need to role play (what your mom may say and sister's response).
- And, this may be 'too much.' It might be much easier to have your mom go out for an event or lunch when new safety measures are put in place.
- Just don't tell her what is changing. Just do it.

5) If you can't and/or in addition to you supporting your sister (in changing her response(s) to your mom, she likely would benefit from therapy or an intervention-or - perhaps a social worker.

I am VERY IMPRESSED with the thought that went into changing the bars in the bathroom.

In closing, I would say to 'ask your mom "why don't you want / like this? (way before installeers come or work starts) so she will feel some independence (as she is also reacting to losing (more) independence, physically and perhaps cognitively. No one wants to set up this emotional upheaval at the time of installation.

And remember, your mom knows how this goes - she knows your sister and how to push her buttons to get her (mom's) needs met - or at least cause a lot of discord. Your sister needs to change as your mom won't.

- And, if she is losing cognitive functioning, it is magnified (from her point of view - she is fearful and perhaps confused). Compassion through all this makes all the difference "I understand how you feel" goes a long way.

Gena / Touch Matters