Should I show up unexpectedly to support my mother after her surgery?

I would follow mom's instructions. My mother is very particular about her health issues. She shares only what she wants to share. My sister went following my mom's surgery and it's been an issue between them since that time. If she says stay at home that's what I would do.

Do you have POA for both Medical and Financial? With a diagnoses of Dementia, the should be in effect. If needs a doctor to make it effective, do it. Its no longer what Mom wants but what she needs. Even in the early stage their short-term is going and the ability to reason is diminishing. She cannot make informed decisions about her heath. You are now the adult and her the child. If your told she needs 24/7 care, then she can no longer live independently.

I would go down for no other reason than to talk to the doctor and the DON. She needs to be evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, you need to find her an Assisted Living/Memory Care or a Longterm nursing facility to transfer her to. It depends on what she can afford. She can be transferred right from Rehab to the AL or LTC. Where I live LTC is in the same building as Rehab. This is the time to do this. Even in early stages a person with a Dementia should not be on their own.

Remember, you are POA, it does not matter what your sister/s think. Mom assigned you because she knew you would make the best decision for her care and safety. My DHs Aunt, a sweetie, always said that her son could place her in a NH if she could no longer care for herself. Her son said it was a different story when she had Dementia. He had promised his Dad he would care for her and he did for 30 years. But with owning his own business and in his 50s he just could not care for her, so he placed her.

I think I would call not go so far. I think I might be a lot like your mom. When ailing, I withdraw and really Do Not Want Company! Later ,after I sort myself out. But having a hospital worker or stranger even is less invasive to my protective self made shell.
If you are already headed there, well, be patient and brief until she gets settled. But keep talk casual.
Independent people dont want to be seen literally by their familiar people. Dont want to feel vulnerable. A church or some form of outer person is ok and temporary. Might be a good distraction. People like me consider down events as temporary and a battle to fight alone. Of course your situation could be very different.
Keep us posted!

I’d follow mom’s wishes, I think. You could always go a while later if your presence is needed.

When I needed surgery as an adult and young mother, I asked my mother not to come. Things were difficult enough without worrying about her too. I was so glad she wasn’t there because it was much better for me to be able to sleep and rest when I was home alone and kids at school after surgery. So there are often good reasons not to entertain relatives at a time that should allow healing for the patient.

Thank you all--mom is 90, going on 70, refuses to think about AL or using a wheelchair and when she fell (again)with her walker, her femur collapsed and she's been in Rehab for a month now. She's consulted with an ortho surgeon but he strongly recommended she realize her condition and possible outcome. She doesn't like to tell me (& my other sister) anything because she doesn't like all the ?'s, suggestions and her confusion (esp. when she forgets something). She refuses to take anxiety meds and neuro tests to determine what her specific issues are. Little sister has come to her rescue, telling Mom things we confided to her about getting psych help, so Mom doesn't want to see us at all--so sad! I could handle this better if I knew her mental health issues -- I'm her POA. I guess it'll be "showtime" soon when I try to visit! This forum is so helpful!

This is a tough one. Why did your mom tell you to not to come?

Maybe she doesn’t want you to see her in pain. Is this out of character for her? Some people prefer to be alone while others want visitors.

Can you call the staff and ask them to feel the situation out before going? Or do you think you should speak with her again on the phone and then decide what is best?

You could just go and not tell her that you are there and speak to the staff assuming that you aren’t going to be going against any HIPPA regulations.

Follow your heart. Option -can you facetime her?

Her MPoA should be there for sure. If she doesn't have one, it would be really important that she either assigns this before surgery or at least indicates a Medical Representative (HIPAA form) so that doctors can legally give someone in the family information.

There's a lot that can go wrong for a 90-yr old after surgery (hospital delirium, UTI, infection, etc). If she didn't have reliable and daily support for at least a few weeks post-procedure, I'd make the drive down if I were you. She must have an advocate no matter how capable you think she may be. You could consider flyiing and having her reimburse you for your travel expenses since this isn't some sort of vacation and it's for her benefiit.

Your profile says that your mom has a broken hip, and dementia among other things and still lives in Independent Living? Really?
Is her broken hip what she's had surgery for? If it is she will of course have to go to rehab after her surgery, and know too that the anesthesia will more than likely make her dementia worse, as sadly that is often a side effect.
It may be a good idea for you to go down to start looking for alternative housing for her as I'm guessing she won't be able to return to independent living unless she has 24/7 hired help coming in.
Otherwise assisted living or even memory care may be the next step. You can look into that while you're down there.
Enjoy your visit with your mom best you can.
And I see also by your profile that you don't live to far from me as I live in Winston-Salem, NC.

What kind of surgery? Is it serious? Are you going just to show you care, or to help once she's released?

I remember both my mother and father had cancer surgery about five years apart, and my grandmother's (Mom's stepmother) showed up in the waiting room unannounced both times. My mother was livid both times, because although there was no great animosity between them, this was an extremely vulnerable time for Mom. Her own mother had died of cancer, and anything involving the C word just about sent her off the deep end.

My grandmother's appearance just didn't really help, because she was merely "there." She drove 300 miles to be there early in the morning, then drove 300 miles home that night. Her appearance was kindly intended, but it was not helpful and somewhat invaded our immediate family's little bubble.

A little info might help.
Type of surgery? Expected recovery rate? In rehab or will she go back to her AL? Will she need PT? Are you planning on helping and if so for how long?
You mention she has Alzheimer's/dementia.
Recovery after any anesthesia can be tricky with a dementia diagnosis. It can take quite a while to return to baseline cognition after. (some do not return to the presurgery cognition) It would be good to assess this to determine if she can still remain in AL or would have to move to MC.