My mother in law has yet to be diagnosed. 2 years ago my husband was asking her to live with us while we looked/bought a home because he loves his mother. Flash forward to now I absolutely don’t want her living with us. My mother in law lives under the guise of a “Christian woman” very much so that she can’t pull her head out of her own butt and if you don’t agree with her it’s a sin. She is a narcissist and his family is toxic. I finally got a break from her for like a year when we moved away and I had my sister help with my kids. I had a baby and now we need help again. My mother in law has always helped but I had to grin and bare it while she degraded and teared me down. My husband did in fact step in and has always been on my side pushing back because I’m soft and never had to deal with this evil woman. We just realized last year she may have dementia. After Covid and we stopped visiting her she was angry all the time and rude. She stays with us during the week to help watch my baby as I work from home. She is fine with the baby and I watch her like a hawk. Only signs she seems to have is she doesn’t bathe or brush her teeth and even a slight suggestion like oh if you need anything to bathe has her going into a rage. She fights with my 8yr old who he thinks hates him and I have to constantly defend him and tell him to stay away as she loves to tear down people and thinks he should respect her when I let our children speak their mind and talk to them regarding why we do things. She ask me the same thing every time and is constantly on repeat about what she has done all her life and I could really give 2 fs. I bend over backwards to accommodate her I make sure she’s ok and I have to take her every where with me or she will have a meltdown and try and walk out the door and flag down a “taxi”. I don’t have the time or the energy to chase her down and there have been several instances calling the police. I think she hears voices or is delusional when she gets upset bc she will say we did or said something to her but not tell us what it is just glare at us and say “you know what was said…” . I’m so frustrated right now and I think I quite literally hate this woman and I have feelings of violence in me or it could be postpartum also. I just need to vent and I tell my husband some of it and my family all of it. If I didn’t have my baby I wouldn’t even be interacting with her but we need the help as daycare is is the price of mortgage plus or mortgage went up. My husbands family is no help and he is the literally baby of the family and everyone is older with adult children but they ignore us and tear us down when it’s convenient to them. I just want to get her diagnosed and on her own and never look back and I feel slightly bad but it seems that it is possible. So I feel less pressure. I really just want to ask her for some help with daycare (she’s always helped a little with finances for daycare but then she would get upset and pull back so I would pay for the rest) until my assistance kicks in. I worry about her bills that we don’t pay (we have smaller bills that are tied into ours) and her driving places and getting food and such. It seems when we take her home for a day or two she sits in her house and doesn’t eat. I just don’t want to have to deal with her toxic behavior anymore and her verbally abusing my son (I have 3), us and her causing me to miss work after she berates me, swings on me and walks out the door. She lives an hr away from us and I can’t take her home all the time on a whim. She gets more upset when she’s not doing anything so I literally cannot take a day off or she will flip out on me (I know this from recent experiences). I’m tired of her and her constantly lording what she has done over our heads like yes you are supposed to take care of your children you don’t need to rub it in our face. Does it get better after diagnosis with finding help and getting on the right path? Thanks
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First, because I think you already know - it is not good for your entire family now to be exposed to her. You call her a narcissist. If she really is - as in the actual personality disorder - it is in your best interest to get your children away from her yesterday - more on that later. Second, you already acknowledge that she is abusive to your children. Third, unless you are right there on top of her the entire time she is caring for the baby - you don't know what is happening. If she has dementia - it is not the best idea to allow her unsupervised time with an infant (or any other child but this child cannot communicate well that there is anything wrong). You could be potentially putting the baby in danger leaving him alone with her - completely unintentionally - even if she would never hurt him in a million years. Not meaning to scare you - but I watched a grandmother pull a knife on her grandchild because she didn't know who they were and thought they were trying to rob her in *her* home. This is an extreme example.
Addressing the comments about parents taking care of their children. You say she lords over you all that she has done - and you say yes you are supposed to take care of your children - don't rub it in our face. All due respect - parents are supposed to take care of their CHILDREN. That is a requirement yes. But anything they do after we become adults is either out of the goodness of their hearts because they love us and that is not owed to us because they brought us into the world....OR
If you are truly dealing with a narcissist - you 1000% need to do your best to never take anything else from her ever again. Because EVERYTHING that you take from a narcissist or that they give you....comes with strings attached. EVERYTHING. And if you are indebted to a narcissist - you are going to pay with a pound of flesh for it over and over. You can never pay off a debt to a narcissist. I'm not talking about monetary. If you borrow $100, you can pay that $100 back, with interest. But that does NOT mean that debt is paid...it will never be paid. Because they gave you money when you needed it, they will literally never let you forget that they helped you. So unfortunately - if she is really a narcissist - the more you owe her in any way, the more she is going to lord over you.
Additionally - while some narcissists improve with dementia - the vast majority actually get worse with dementia. More selfish, more abusive, meaner, angrier, needier. Because now you are not just dealing with a personality disorder. Dementia impairs thinking - at its most base definition. There are several types. But it impacts thinking, memory, social skills and decision making. You pair that with a personality disorder like narcissism and it is a recipe for disaster.
My NFIL has 4 grandchildren. They are adults. When MIL was still alive she pretty much buffered them from him. He was able to showtime enough in front of them to appear gregarious because time around him was limited. But as they got older they saw him for who he is, and every single one of then has basically gone very low contact. As he is aging, his NPD is being greatly impacted just by normal age related mental decline. Narcissism itself impacts memory, decision making, social skills and thinking - because a narc does all of those things in vacuum around THEIR needs. They only see things through the lens of their own needs. So they only remember an event for how it impacted them. They only see decisions for how they impact them. So exposing your children to her - if she is really a narc - and she is exposed to them all the time - you are playing with fire. (please see additional comments)
The research shows that children (and adults I would imagine) who are subjected to mental, emotional and verbal abuse (and physical of course) actually experience a very mild form of brain damage - very mild atrophy of the hippocampus - that can lead to clinical depression, anxiety, insomnia, memory loss, chronic pain, panic attacks, and any number of other chronic mental and physical health issues that follow them in to adulthood.
I have seen this play out in both my DH and his sister. Years of physical, emotional, verbal and mental abuse by their narcissistic father as children led to repression of those experiences for a long time. But manifested in chronic pain, memory loss (SIL), anxiety and clinical depression, insomnia (DH). They both have nearly identical trauma responses when dealing with him and to similar stimuli both with him and in other situations.
Why do I say all of that? If you really are dealing with a narcissist - not only is your DH living with someone who probably has a stranglehold on him emotionally - you don't mention a lot about how he deals with his mother - but who probably also feels an obligation to help her. His siblings it sounds like-have put a distance between themselves and her for their own reasons. And they don't get involved in taking care of her. And you talk about the fact that the family is toxic. In a family with a narc - if they have held true to the typical narc assignments - there will be a Golden Child, and a Scapegoat and there could be multiple of each, And maybe even a Forgotten Child. This causes MAJOR issues among siblings that often are irreparable. My DH and his sister for many years thought the other was the GC and that they were each the SG. Turns out he was playing them both. They worked hard to become close and create the relationship they have now in spite of him. And you mention quite in detail how she treats you and your children.
It is clear enough to me - dementia or not - you need to get away from her. However that needs to happen. Because if she does have dementia - getting a diagnosis and getting help will help her to some extent - but it isn't likely going to change how she treats you. And as it progresses - her treatment will only get worse towards you and your family. She does NOT need to be living with you or around your children. Everything she is doing is impacting them. And seeing how she treats you is impacting them.
Getting her the proper help she needs, and finding her a place to live where she can get that help will in turn also help your family to move on and move forward. But you will also need to cut those ties to her purse strings and that dependency on her as well. I would imagine, as hard as it would be, it would also be very freeing.
Just my two cents. I apologize, I'm a little bit passionate about this particular topic.
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Sorry this is happening.
She's mentally ill. You and your husband have become dependent on her. Now you have to untangle the ball of yarn you created.
She needs help with her illness, and that’s the first priority. Inform her doctor and follow the advice and resources available to you.
In no way should she be around your kids. You’re trusting her with baby care when she’s not functioning mentally anywhere near normal. Would you allow a person to stick a dagger in any of your children? That’s what her unkind words to them are. They hurt your kids. Don’t allow it.
As for child care, figure out something else. Don’t depend on her financially. If you or husband needs to work an additional job, do it.
Your husband needs to help you more. Time to make that clear to him.
I wish you luck in this sad state of affairs, and I hope you’ll report back on your progress.
My DIL had her mom and step dad 'working' as their nanny. The mom was OK, but the step-gpa was very rude and hateful to a couple of the kids.
Eventually, my son and SIL SAW what we saw and ended the relationship of nanny. My 2 older grands have been in therapy, not in small part to the verbal & physical abuse.
MIL is out -- period.
Your MIL is abusive whether it's due to dementia or not and your 8 year old doesn't deserve to be abused.
So your husband needs to step up as well and put your heads together to come up with a plan to make the finances and day care work.
Using your MIL for the daycare, in my opinion is not worth the emotional harm being inflicted on your family and again your 8 year old and don't think the baby doesn't absorb the negativity.
Again to answer your question you are not a terrible person, but you are in a terrible situation. Will a diagnosis make things better? That I don't know. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like she's always been difficult and abusive and getting worse. Where does you husband stand on all of this?? It's HIS mother!!
How can you do ur job and watch MIL like a hawk. With Dementia she should not be caring for children let alone a baby.
"I had my sister help with my kids. I had a baby and now we need help again." You made the statement too that husband's family doesn't help at all. Husbands family not helping with MIL you have a right to b***h. But are you saying other family members should help care for your kids because you can't afford daycare? You chose to have children and are responsible to care for them. Family is not obligated to help. They have lives and families of their own. I was almost 36 with my last one. I was lucky I did not need to work at that time. Neither my mother nor my MIL came to my house and help me with the baby. I never even thought to ask. My Mom raised 4 with no help, my MIL 3 and she sewed drapes on the side when the boys got older.
I really don't know how ur going to solve your problem other than you quit your job and take care of the baby until it goes to Daycare or school and then pick up your home job again. I realize that holding down an outside job would be fruitless because of the cost of Daycare that a home job is so much better but even 8 yr olds need to be watched to a point. And he should not be given the responsibility of the other 2 no matter what age he is.
No your not a terrible person. Just someone who is trying to balance her life. No one at your age should have to deal with a MIL who may have Dementia or is just a mean person, have kids and try holding down a job. Its hard for young people today to raise a family, try to buy a house and make sure they have money to pay for food and utilities. I am glad I married in the 70s.