24/7 care at home is killing me. Any advice?

So be the bad guy. Totally own it. Meet with your brothers and tell them that this is no longer a short term assignment and you cannot go on any longer. List the things you are willing to continue on with but the sleep over are over. Ask them what they want to do. So mom won't like going into a home. Do you like what you are doing now? Why is she more important than you or your family? I've said this before....the person needing the help needs to be the one to compromise, not the ones helping.

Drop out of the rotation and put your kids first. Your siblings will complain and so what. Maybe they'll finally put Mom where she belongs. You'll get all the credit/blame. Let it roll off your shoulders. Better that than to let what's going on now to break you.

So bail. Let them be happy to blame you, and do absolutely everybody (your mother, your children, yourself, the absent sibling) a huge favour.

First find your nursing home, though. It's easier to start the ball rolling when you can make the plans specific.

I think "she wouldn't like that" really means "WE wouldn't like that". 

It is common for a narcissistic mother to dump everything on a daughter. The sons, not so much. It appears that you have been the family scapegoat your whole life. Which is not an insult aimed at you, but your siblings and mother. The brothers don't want to place her because their mother probably sees them as the golden children and they don't want to upset her in the least. So what if it's killing you and you're shortchanging your kids? As long as mother is happy with her sons, it's all good in their world. 

The bulk of caregiving is always on the daughters in families like this. There is a tendency to think caregiving for an elderly parent is the same as taking care of a child. As you know, it isnot. The brothers figure you're already taking care of kids; why not one more?

You should not be spending nights/full days with mother when you have kids at home who need you more. They come first. You know this. 

Families like this do NOT like it when the scapegoat finally puts her foot down and says she can't do this level of caretaking anymore. Your mom might be mad about placement but she is the sort who will be mad at you for maybe breathing too loud. 

You'll have to tell them you can no longer do this. Or at least stop spending nights and full days with her every week. If the brothers insist she stay home, then they can stay with her and hire someone for bathing and such. Everyone will be angry and act like you're the most selfish person on Earth. Stay strong and remember THEY are the problem, not you.

Step away. You deserve to have a healthy balance in your life. You shouldn’t have to neglect your own needs for your mom or siblings.

I agree with you that your mom would be better served by being in a nursing home. They have a full staff that can look after your mother.

You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness on this earth. That’s too bad if your mother won’t accept that you do not wish to continue with things as they are now.

If your siblings disagree with you and feel that they can do a better job, let them handle it.

Best wishes to you.

“Being the only female all the personal care such as showering is down to me.”

“She sees all the housework etc as my job (my other two siblings are men).”

The sexism is jumping out at me, Nalz44. I assume you don’t want your children to pick up the idea that only females clean or only females can do personal care.

Also, as a total outsider to this situation please take this just as food for thought but: is it possible you are “OK” with shortchanging your kids in favor of your mom because that’s how your mom always treated you? (I know of course you aren’t purposefully doing that; there was an initial crisis situation that morphed into an open-ended slog.)

I am sure your other siblings are all wanting to "bail out" as well
It is a matter of who bails first.
So be the smart one.
This arrangement is not good for you or your family. So own it.
Phone Call, meeting, email how ever you want to do this let them know that you are no longer going to be able to do "sleep overs"
Mom can pay for Caregivers if a facility is not what the family wants. (Whoever is POA for Finances can add paying for caregivers to the list of bills)
I think mom no longer has a say in the game as far as she is best for her.
Placing mom in Skilled Nursing or AL (if she is able to be in AL it depends on her medical issues.)

Tell your siblings you have to take care of your own family . You can’t help with Mom .

It’s nobody’s “fault” that your mother is old and needs more care than can be provided by family .

Your siblings either will pick up the slack , which I doubt , or Mom will be placed in a facility that can meet her needs.

She either needs to hire outside help or put into a facility. Your kids deserve a mother more than she deserves a slave. Time to leave her to her own devices if she gets snotty.

Fish belong in the water, bears belong in the woods, elephants belong in the savannah, and 87 year olds belong in facilities. It’s just nature’s way

Remove yourself from the situation. If your divorced siblings are calling the shots, they can take over your shift.

I would tell them explicitly why you're overwhelmed. I would give them your recommendation. Then I'd exit the situation.

But that's just me. You can't be expected to play by others rules, dictation and consequences.

I feel for you, as a mother with a young child myself.