When is it time to get home health help?

I found someone. Got to talk to her about mom and her history. Shared moms resume so the lady would be able to converse with mom and introduced the lady as a friend of mine. They first did a few things together like eating lunch or going to a church function. Then one day, I told mom I asked Diane to help mom wash up and that she would be using the heater to warm up the room and she would put lotions on mom and fix her hair. I told mom I would appreciate it if she would try this because Diane has wonderful experience and they get along so well. Mom said she would try. She is moderate dementia and still wants to have input. Asking her to do it for me and to try seems to work. It was a success. Diane heated that shower room up so much mom was toasty. I am sure Diane was drenched. Later, when Diane wasn’t enough, I got a couple other ladies who work 4 hours a day and do showers, lotions, warm eye compresses, walking, reading to mom, and 2 meals. Mom didn’t know she didn’t have a choice but introducing Diane as a friend who knew a little about mom’s background so they could converse (mostly Diane holding the conversation on topics that mom recognized) was a blessing to her and me.

I am wondering actually if you could go about this another way. I know my brother would not have wanted any stranger "messing with him". He didn't live long enough for anyone to have to make that happen for/with him. But he never would have been comfortable with that.

Is there any chance that instead of getting help for HER you could get help for yourself?

How much better might it be for you to have a housesitter for a day, to clean a bit, cook a bit, watch Mom if she needs help, so that you can get out. Or just a housekeeper one day, meals ordered in, something like that to help YOU.

You are correct. This is only going to get worse. At some point there may be other options such as in facility care, but for now you could sure use a bit of help yourself I would think. I am wishing you the best of luck.

I'm the OP. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I've read each of your helpful suggestions.

She does need more social interaction so a Visiting Angel type who can help with a shower, shampoo and companionship would be perfect.

Start bringing in the homecare now while your MIL can still understand what the purpose of the home/health aide is. This wasy she can get used to the person and get to know them.
Start with having the aide come once a week to wash her hair. Do this for a few weeks with you there then have her start assisting with the bathing.
Tell your MIL that you must insist she accept this help because you can't help her with personal hygiene care but that you want her to be safe and comfortable.
Make her understand that no one is going to steal from her because you're going to be there keeping an eye on the homecare worker.
Once she gets used to whoever is hired you won't have to stay with her.

She’s 90!

Speak to her doctor about ordering home help. My mother did home health a few times. It does make a difference.

Go ahead and get help for her. She will become acclimated to having someone else there to help and most likely appreciate it.

To agree and elaborate on some other comments, you definitely need cameras and you definitely need to lock up anything of real or sentimental value. I had caregivers in the house for seven years and I wish I had done a better job in this area. So no matter what you think no matter how nice they seem, I am sorry but protect your assets - your mothers right. I have cameras that have caught abuse and theft from people you wouldn’t imagine. Good luck

If your MIL has original Medicare she could probably get Medicare provided home health for the homebound who need intermittent skilled nursing. Ask her primary doctor to have her evaluated for home health services. This would give her a nurse visit once a week where her vitals are checked, her meds put in her pill planner and a CNA who would come in once or twice a week to help her with her bath. Additionally she could be evaluated for physical and occupational therapies. If you know of a home health company you would like to use, ask them to help you get an
order from her primary. When my DH aunt first started using them they just assisted her with her bath. She was afraid of falling. The cna would change her bed linens while she bathed herself. She preferred a bath to a shower. The therapy helped her mobility issues. Mention that she is dizzy and that is usually sufficient to get her evaluated.
Having home health helped aunt for several years before she needed to add a daily aide to help her with her ADLs each morning. If your MIL doesn’t qualify at this time, you will have a better idea of when she will after their visit. The advantage plans may offer this service as well but I am not familiar with them. This is covered by Part B of original Medicare.
The CNAs are very good with gaining the trust of the elder to get a bath and shampoo. She was about the same age and stage as your MIL when she first got home health.

Its time when you decide it's time. If you are unable to do certain tasks. If you are "not willing", it's time.

When you ask this question, you are ready. The current caretaker decides this, not an incapacitated invalid.

It sounds like now is the right time to get help.

Hire someone who makes her feel like she is getting a spa treatment so it is fun and a happy, relaxing and comfortable time for her.

Obviously this is a difficult point of dignity/privacy and anyone in her position might feel vulnerable and strange.

Her concerns about stealing are slightly paranoid, but also in line with reality and current events. Don’t discount these concerns. Find some way to make her feel protected, such as buying her a small safe that she can keep wherever she chooses.

Let her be part of the interviewing and hiring process so she feels less of a loss of control.