My disabled son lives with my spouse and I. We had several rounds of in home care assistance that resulted in untrained, irresponsible caregivers. The last caregiver provided by the state decided to report myself and spouse for abuse since we enforce consistent queuing for my son. EX if queuing needs: clothes on properly, hygiene reminders, clean his personal space, monitor eating, etc My son vented his anger over not being happy with his birthday gifts, requirement he continue doing his personal chores. The caregiver and her supervisor decided we were abusive and reported to APS. My son does not understand the difference between the statement laying hand s on vs being guided and coached my caregiver said hands on occurred. IT did Not. He was asked to leave my spouse’ bedroom, who was recovering from surgery and he refused making further personal want type demands I have a mental health practice or at leafy I did until APS interviewed us then reported us to police and licensing board. Thousands of dollars later the investigation continues as my spouse is being defended. APS refuse to Fu on the caregivers actions of whom we fired when they were suspected of neglectful care . Our report is considered retaliatory though factual.
I support the family and now facing revoking of my license. No longer have a private practice due to APS aggressive option without even understanding my son can be physically aggressive, manipulative due to his cognition of a 9 year old though he is 27. In three weeks APS designated our lives. One of investigators, gave my son his personal contact information, ordered him gifts from Amazon on the day they came to my home to investigate us. He communicates with my son daily including coming to my office to give my son gifts. I cannot find an attorney to help me put my life back together. My son continues communicating daily with the car manager while I drain financial resources defending false allegations. My son resides with us. APS does not believe I have the right to use some of my son’s SSD $ for his living expenses so he has free reign to buy what ever.
Now what can I do? APS still investigates, sends police to our home to continue verifying he is happy and safe yet I have to accept my son aggressively harming animals when he is mad, posturing with me aggressively, ignoring my spouse at times how removes him to take rxs etc. We cannot move him to adult foster care bc APS would interpret this as retaliation.
Floundering in despair.
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1. Who told you that son's SSDI can't be used to pay his expenses?
2. As someone else asked, why doesn't SOMEONE have guardianship?
3. Have you reported aggressive and threatening behavior to the police?
4. Have you consulted with a lawyer who specializes in special needs and guardianship?
5. Have you reported the actions of the APS workers to the State oversight board?
6. Have you started eviction proceedings? I think taking THAT action might be the quickest way to force the state to take guardianship.
7. I'm not sure what sort of mental health practice you maintain, but where I am it's "cueing" --giving cues and not "queueing"--meaning to line up. I know I'm quibbling, but your meaning may be getting lost if you used technical jargon with APS and it gets misunderstood.
If he is as aggressive and violent as you say he is when he's "mad" or doesn't get his own way that he will harm animals or does the aggressive posturing stance with you, then he is too dangerous to live at home. He belongs in a controlled environment where he is not a danger to himself or others. APS needs to find an appropriate facility for him.
It is not the fault of your in-home caregivers if they cannot handle your son or they are poorly trained. They make next to nothing in pay so don't count them being well-trained or trained at all.
You being a professional person yourself with a mental health practice, you should know that care being paid for by the state isn't going to be the best. You would also know that if you are your son's conservator/guardian (clearly he cannot manage himself) then you are the one who administers his disability money. You do not have to provide for him for free. His disability money is meant for his maintenance not to be spending money for him to buy whatever he likes. Who is his conservator?
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have had my fair share of clients like your son. No able-bodied client ever took on any aggressive posturing with me that did not result in them being subdued by me in self-defense. There was never a time where I did not have pepper spray on my person while in the home of an able-bodied but aggressive client. I never cared how special a client's needs are, nobody threatens me. Be happy your state aides were willing to take a chance caring for an able-bodied, full grown man who's violent. Not a chance I ever took without guaranteeing my safety first. The safety of you and your spouse has to come first.
You don't worry about APS thinking you're retaliating by not letting your dangerous son remain in your home. It is highly irregular that the APS worker should have such a close relationship with your son. That sounds innappropriate to me and something that should be told to the police. Or this person's supervisor.
When he acts up and starts getting aggressive, you call 911 immediately. Tell the cops what's going on and that you and your husband are in fear for your safety.
They will take him to the hospital and will hold him on a psych evaluation.
Refuse to allow him back into your home. Make APS do their job.
I feel terrible for you because it's heart-breaking that a parent should ever be in such a position with their own child. But your son has to be put into a controlled environment before he hurts someone.
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You sound overwhelmed with his care. Find a facility for him.
This situation sounds like a nightmare, and possibly unproductive and unhealthy for both parents and child. Child needs instruction from an outside source as it may be at this point his behaviors may be unmalleable in the current situation.
What doesn't make any sense is APS stating you can't use his SSDI for his cost of living (and rent). You absolutely have a right to charge rent and he should be paying his fair share of living expenses. I can guarantee you a portion of his SSDI (most of it) will be taken if he were in a group home (as it should be). Time to tell APS, and you may have to hire an attorney to help with this, that you cannot continue as is anymore and son needs to be placed in a facility.
I have seen aggression from a neighbor’s son who has special needs. He has severe autism and is nonverbal. He isn’t ever able to be left alone.
I was friends with this woman for many years. Our children grew up together. Her daughter and my daughter were in the same class at school.
She has since moved away and I no longer have a friendship with her. No one in our neighborhood has heard from her since she left.
When she divorced her husband and became a single parent I offered to help her when she needed to run errands.
I would babysit her son. When he was a toddler he was fairly easy to look after. When he hit his latter teen years though, it was a different story.
I am barely over 5ft tall. This young man was well over 6 feet tall and towered over me. He was continuously frustrated and became violent.
He attacked me. It was an horrific experience. He head butted me, grabbed me and left bruises. His strength was absolutely incredible. I couldn’t fight him off. For my own safety I stopped watching him.
So, I do understand how frightening and challenging your situation is.
My friend did apologize for her son’s behavior. I told her that I realized that she was dealing with an extremely difficult and complicated situation but that I would not be sitting with her son anymore.
I also told her that I was very concerned about her. Her ex husband pleaded with her to place their son in a group home. She wouldn’t agree to do so.
He severely attacked my friend over and over. She would hide her bruises from everyone. Or she would tell stories of having an accident so no one would know the truth.
She couldn’t hide the truth from me because I had been attacked by him. He also attacked her 73 year old mother once and he kicked a teacher in his shins at school. The teacher let it slide.
I started doing research to see what I could find out on this type of behavior in order to help her.
I stumbled upon an article that described a young man who was around the same age as my friend’s son. His mother was a Kent State University professor. She was also divorced and was trying to raise her son on her own.
This professor was very similar to my friend. She didn’t want to place her son in a group home even though her ex husband thought it was best.
Her story ended tragically. Her son beat her head on her kitchen floor until she died. She feared that one day this would happen and left a note asking for understanding for her son.
The professor’s name is Trudy Steuernagel. Please read her entire story. You can find it online.
I don’t know how many parents are going through similar situations where a grown son threatens violence but I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be living in fear.
Parents love their children and want the best for them. Even in dangerous situations some parents find it extremely difficult to detach from their circumstances.
I realize that everyone has different circumstances. I’m not accusing your son of being as violent as others.
It’s has to be extremely frustrating to deal with the challenges that you are facing with all that you have going on.
I am so sorry that you have had issues with being reported. Your situation is very complex.
I’m sure that not many people are able to understand what goes on behind the scenes when parents are living in these conditions.
Please protect yourself. Do not allow your son to be near any animals.
I wish you and your family well.
You may be misinformed - I don't believe you have to accept your son's aggression. I don't believe APS is qualified to tell you son can't be moved to adult foster care because you'd be retaliating. It's not retaliating if you're getting your son the help he needs. That's another thing to bring up with the person who supervises APS.
Also, harming animals isn't okay when son's mad or any other time. This is serious, because what if he crosses the line to hurting a person? Possibly you or your spouse?
You have a lot to deal with, but the first is your own safety. A 27-year-old adult, even one who is disabled and with the capacity of a nine-year-old, should be held accountable for hurting. Law enforcement should be informed because he needs to be on their radar. And that might kick off a round of examinations that could result in help for him and for you.
I'm very sorry about all of this, but you're stuck in a loop with APS, it seems. Time to get other agencies involved.
Also, I'll mention what a lawyer told me about an aggressive person - inform him that if he continues to be aggressive, you'll call the police. And then if he's aggressive again, do it. Take pictures or videos if you can. Good advice.
There can be no 'if' he continues to be aggressive. The OP needs to call the police when he gets the slightest bit aggressive or if there are any signs of a "meltdown" coming. The son cannot be allowed to remain freely living because he is violent and someone will get hurt. The fact that he's an adult who has harmed innocent animals inhis anger.
I don't think I could handle that as patiently as the OP has. That person would regret their action indeed.
You were right in having son do chores and in handling his money. But seems him living with you is no longer working and its effecting your livelihood. This is not abuse. And I think APS is over-reacting. So this is what I would do. I would sit down with someone with authority and ask how we together can help son. At 27, its time for a group home for him. He is getting too much to handle for you and APS does not think your doing a good job anyway. Their interference is actually causing more problems. So, maybe its time for the State to become his guardian and find him a place suitable for his disability. The State will assign him a guardian and use his SSD towards his care. I know, last thing you want to do but it maybe the only thing u can do to stop this. What do u think would happen to your son if both u and spouse died suddenly. Son maybe happier in a group home with others with the same disabilities.
I sort of know where ur coming from because I oversee a disabled nephew. I am lucky that he can live on his own. I am his DPOA and its immediate so I do have some control over his finances. We work together well in this respect. He has some maturity problems because a neurological problem. He is 33 but about 10 yrs behind maturity wise. He controls his SSD, I control his annuity because its my sisters government pension and they require a payee. The State pays for most of his rent, a coordinator and an aide once a week. So far so good but...I am 73. Because of his neurological problem, he will contract Dementia sooner than later. So eventually I too will need to seek guardianship thru the State because I cannot physically care for him. No family members are in the position to care for him either.
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