Hi all,
My dad was diagnosed with dementia last week. Although his memory is still pretty decent, his anger, aggression and controlling behaviors have exploded out of the gate. He’s always been pretty moody and could be hard to get along with, but he tried to understand the other side. He was essentially his old self until about 2 months ago, when this seething anger came out. He does get mad at my mom for not doing enough for him (and she’s basically handled everything responsible in his life for him), but I’m the real, constant target of his rage. I’m his son who moved in with them when my health took a bad turn a few years ago.
When he’s in a bad mood, he literally screams at me and dresses me down, and he seems to enjoy it. That or I get the silent treatment. I’m not doing anything to spark his moods either. His bad moods last about 2 weeks long. Luckily we got about a month break between bad moods until the current phase started last week. I’m tired of constantly hiding in my room and walking on eggshells in this house. I’m trying to move out (my mom really wants me to stay so she’s not alone with him) but my source of income is SSDI, which I believe but can’t prove is why I’m not getting a place. Everything changes during my interactions with the landlords when that comes up.
He has complete control over my mom now. She’s now spending every waking moment with him. He insists he go with her everywhere she goes but the majority of their time is spent watching what he wants to watch on tv.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any help dealing with this for me or mom would be appreciated.
7 Answers
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Can your dad be left alone or does he need continual supervision? Can you hire someone to help for awhile? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They will do a needs assessment for your father.
Have you shared this information with his doctor? Is he on any medications?
I’m very sorry about your health issues.
You can start looking for a facility to place your father and then you won’t have to be concerned about your mom.
You can look into low income housing for yourself. Or share expenses with a roommate or two.
Wishing you and your family well.
If at anytime you feel frightened for your safety or your moms you NEED to call 911. Explain the situation to the dispatcher. Tell them that you are afraid for your safety.
Have you, actually your mom, talked to dad's doctor and described the outbursts? There are medications that can help with the anger, anxiety,.
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be of help. Contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission, the VA or even the VFW and see what help might be available.
The big problem might be that if he needs to be placed in a Memory Care facility most will not take a resident that has had a violent outburst within the past 90 days (this is the number of days I have been told by several people it might be different in other areas or with other facilities)
Again...do not be afraid to call 911 if you feel your safety is at risk or your mom's.
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I would have a conversation with his doctor about his anger, aggression and anxiety. His dementia doesn't really allow him to correct himself on the spot anymore. His wanting to be with your Mom al the time is called Shadowing and is a very common phase of dementia.
He should be checked for a UTI, a very common infection in the elderly that can ramp up dementia symptoms.
You will need to learn strategies, like redirecting, when he becomes obnoxious. If he ever threatens you or your Mom verbally or physically you must call 911 right away, even if your Mom doesn't want you to. At the hospital, there may be opportunities to help him that you won't get at home since he doesn't cooperate.
If no one is his PoA... this is a very different situation. Please let us know if there is one or not so we can give you different suggestions.
I hope a neurologist gave him a diagnosis and not his PCP. He needs a neurologist. But even a PCP may be able to give him some kind of med to calm him down. Like suggested, should be checked for a UTI.
Your Dad's primary doctor, or even Urgent Care, can quickly run a test for a UTI. Test is simple for Dad, all he needs to do is pee in a cup. If it does turn out to be in infection, it can be controlled with antibiotics.
You Dad is likely to need care which includes managing medications for the rest of his life. Your Mom and you together cannot manage this, and may go down with him if he stays in the home.
If your Mom cannot bring herself to do this then I am afraid you are left, despite your small income, to find a way to get your own living situation, whether a trailer or a room in someone's home. This isn't going to be a livable situation, and I am so sorry. I hope that you have a social worker involved in your own chronic illness and for your own needs who may give you good guidance for your own situation. I wish you the best. The only other option I can think of is medications for Dad now; discussion with him and his wife and doc appropriate there.