My DW is resistant to self care such as showering and cleaning her dentures. Any advice to combat her excuses for not doing routine care?
She is constantly taking out her dentures and wiping them with a tissue. She also keeps them in all night. I tried to clean them, but after a 1/2 hour she nags me so much, I gave them back to her.
First of all, I commend you for taking care of your wife. I too, was a guy who took on the role as caregiver, except it was my mom.
During the end of my caregiving journey, mom began to show signs of dementia, and that sometimes effected my efforts to make sure she was clean at all times. But for the most part, she was cooperative and appreciative.
No showers. Every morning, I gave her a warm soapy wash cloth so she could wash her face and arms. Every other day, I helped her change her bra, and washed her back, neck and assisted in washing her breasts. She was incontinent, so at least three times a day, I cleaned her rear end, put Calmoseptine cream on to prevent pressure ulcers, and made sure she had new pull ups. Once a week I soaked her feet and powdered them, cleaned her legs, and put lotion on. Clean pads and sheets on her bed daily. Once a month we went to her hairdresser for some special pampering.
Regarding dentures, at first, she too would keep them in all night. At the urging of our dentist, I was able to convince her to take them out as part of our bedtime routine. I soaked them in solution overnight, and in the morning I would rinse them with warm water and give them to her to put in. Seeing her smile with clean teeth was a joy.
The daily routine was a lot of work, but the result was she was clean and content every day, which was the goal. It continued until her death at age 93.
As I read the different questions that appear on this forum and decide whether to comment or not, I realize how fortunate my situation was, as others experience more serious challenges than I did. We all have one thing in common: It is challenging work, and a new adventure every day. I have great respect for you and everyone else who commits to being a caregiver.
That's not an uncommon problem, slacking off with hygiene. Can you clean the dentures more quickly by brushing them instead of soaking them?
A home health aide might be better able to help your wife with bathing. Sometimes, it's fear of falling or asking too much of you, but if there's a professional there, it might be easier for her to accept.
Your profile says that your wife has dementia, so it's not that she's "resistant" to self care, but rather that she's more than likely not remembering how to do the things she used to. And it sounds like you may be in a bit of denial about your wife's condition if you're still thinking that she can do all these things on her own, when her brain is now broken and will only get worse. It may be time to hire an aide to come assist her in the shower and with her self care if you're not able to, as often outside help has better luck with getting things done. Or it may be time to place her in a memory care facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her loving husband and advocate.
My mom resisted care, she is a very private person and she doesn't like to remove her clothes because she gets cold. I found that another person was the best thing for her. She resisted me. I told her the doctor said her skin would break down and the sores would be painful so we have to make sure she has clean skin and lotions are applied. The heater in the bath, the lotions, the quickness of the actual wash has been a winner but she still pushes back. Her caregiver is good about saying ‘Okay, why don’t you rest with a warm compress on your eyes and we can do this at 2:30”. Mom typically agrees! Her mouth care is harder because her dentures are screwed in. We have the perodox mouth wash and q tips to run along the denture line. She still brushes and swishes but it is not sufficient. Her caregiver calls it the daily tasks and mom has assimilated! This routine is working so far. Pain is a motivator so when she resists, I tell her how much she was hurting and this is what keeps her from hurting. i tell her I know she doesn’t remember but that is okay, I remember and she is safe and loved.
Not wanting to take a shower is very common with dementia. In my work I came across this issue all the time (even a TV personality). My MIL comes up with the most bizarre excuses. We sometimes have to resort to tuning off the TV until she gets up to take a shower. We also found that it helps to say we are going out to dinner on that day. We had the same problem with her dentures. When she moved in with us from out of state, her dentures were so stained and could not be cleaned. We took her to our dentist and they cleaned them and also said they were not fitting right (which was why she kept taking them out). Choking on them while sleeping is a very serious hazzard, so be firm. My MIL gets up at night and "steals" them back sometimes. We soak them, brush them and leave out a capful of mouthwash at her sink every morning before she gets up. We set-up a toothbrush with a small amount of toothpaste and she brushes her gums. She said she hates the taste of the adhesive so I put the smallest 3 dots on each denture. I also found a brand that is flavor and color free.
My mother fought my dad about showering forever, so I took over. It was no picnic, but she would use her "company manners" with me or later, the aide I brought in. With my dad, she knew he'd forgive her and would push the limits with him until he finally gave up. Poor guy, he sadly told me that he had to refuse her advances because she smelled so bad.
Try getting an aid to help with showering and such . My 92 your old mother constantly argued with me to bathe .. then I got an aid once a week to come and help her shower and get her dressed and ready to be taken by me to the beauty parlor for her weekly wash and set . It has been working wonderfully and I get a much needed break from 6 days a week caretaking .
Davegrant4478, I know for myself I keep putting off showering because it is just so exhausting, its like spending a couple of hours at the gym. Since your wife has dementia that just compounds the situation.
Would she do better taking a bath? Or would it be difficult to climb into the tub and sit down, then try to stand back up again? In-between showers, she could try to get use to using baby wipes.
Dentures are complex. If one doesn't keep the denture in place, the teeth will start to shift making it more difficult to place in and out. If one doesn't take the dentures out, then there is a cleaning issue.
Since your wife is taking them out constantly, there may be a fitting problem, or that she thinks there is something on the denture that could be irritating her gums. Is your wife comfortable going to the dentist who made the dentures? My Mom had such issues most of her life, as she got dentures when in her 20's.
Why does your wife have to take her dentures out every night? I wear a top one and NEVER sleep w/o it, it causes me discomfort. When she does remove them, snatch them and put them in a bath for a 10 min Polident soak. Done and done, pick your battles.
Stryker makes preloaded and large body washcloths which are great for a quick sponge bath type wash up. Hire an aide 2x a week to shower her, but introduce her as a friend and personal helper. Make sure dw is not cold or afraid of falling in the shower or of her reflection in the mirror which can be covered up. Water shoes helped my mom finally get over her fear of "slipping on the slippery shower floor" so she was bathed 2x a week which is plenty.
She's not nagging you or giving you some big fat excuses about things. She's trying to stay sane in her addled mind thru familiarity. Educate yourself on being a caregiver to someone with AD or dementia and if you can't manage it all, which most cannot, look into more in home care or Memory Care Assisted Living. It's no joke trying to manage someone like this 24/7 as things continue to worsen.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
13 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
During the end of my caregiving journey, mom began to show signs of dementia, and that sometimes effected my efforts to make sure she was clean at all times. But for the most part, she was cooperative and appreciative.
No showers. Every morning, I gave her a warm soapy wash cloth so she could wash her face and arms. Every other day, I helped her change her bra, and washed her back, neck and assisted in washing her breasts. She was incontinent, so at least three times a day, I cleaned her rear end, put Calmoseptine cream on to prevent pressure ulcers, and made sure she had new pull ups. Once a week I soaked her feet and powdered them, cleaned her legs, and put lotion on. Clean pads and sheets on her bed daily. Once a month we went to her hairdresser for some special pampering.
Regarding dentures, at first, she too would keep them in all night. At the urging of our dentist, I was able to convince her to take them out as part of our bedtime routine. I soaked them in solution overnight, and in the morning I would rinse them with warm water and give them to her to put in. Seeing her smile with clean teeth was a joy.
The daily routine was a lot of work, but the result was she was clean and content every day, which was the goal. It continued until her death at age 93.
As I read the different questions that appear on this forum and decide whether to comment or not, I realize how fortunate my situation was, as others experience more serious challenges than I did. We all have one thing in common: It is challenging work, and a new adventure every day. I have great respect for you and everyone else who commits to being a caregiver.
A home health aide might be better able to help your wife with bathing. Sometimes, it's fear of falling or asking too much of you, but if there's a professional there, it might be easier for her to accept.
ADVERTISEMENT
It may be time to hire an aide to come assist her in the shower and with her self care if you're not able to, as often outside help has better luck with getting things done.
Or it may be time to place her in a memory care facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her loving husband and advocate.
We had the same problem with her dentures. When she moved in with us from out of state, her dentures were so stained and could not be cleaned. We took her to our dentist and they cleaned them and also said they were not fitting right (which was why she kept taking them out). Choking on them while sleeping is a very serious hazzard, so be firm. My MIL gets up at night and "steals" them back
sometimes. We soak them, brush them and leave out a capful of mouthwash at her sink every morning before she gets up. We set-up a toothbrush with a small amount of toothpaste and she brushes her gums.
She said she hates the taste of the adhesive so I put the smallest 3 dots on each denture. I also found a brand that is flavor and color free.
My mother fought my dad about showering forever, so I took over. It was no picnic, but she would use her "company manners" with me or later, the aide I brought in. With my dad, she knew he'd forgive her and would push the limits with him until he finally gave up. Poor guy, he sadly told me that he had to refuse her advances because she smelled so bad.
'Company manners' for aides - gets job done.
Would she do better taking a bath? Or would it be difficult to climb into the tub and sit down, then try to stand back up again? In-between showers, she could try to get use to using baby wipes.
Dentures are complex. If one doesn't keep the denture in place, the teeth will start to shift making it more difficult to place in and out. If one doesn't take the dentures out, then there is a cleaning issue.
Since your wife is taking them out constantly, there may be a fitting problem, or that she thinks there is something on the denture that could be irritating her gums. Is your wife comfortable going to the dentist who made the dentures? My Mom had such issues most of her life, as she got dentures when in her 20's.
Stryker makes preloaded and large body washcloths which are great for a quick sponge bath type wash up. Hire an aide 2x a week to shower her, but introduce her as a friend and personal helper. Make sure dw is not cold or afraid of falling in the shower or of her reflection in the mirror
which can be covered up. Water shoes helped my mom finally get over her fear of "slipping on the slippery shower floor" so she was bathed 2x a week which is plenty.
She's not nagging you or giving you some big fat excuses about things. She's trying to stay sane in her addled mind thru familiarity. Educate yourself on being a caregiver to someone with AD or dementia and if you can't manage it all, which most cannot, look into more in home care or Memory Care Assisted Living. It's no joke trying to manage someone like this 24/7 as things continue to worsen.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you
See All Answers