For those of you trashing the OP, recall that idiom about actions speaking louder than words. Ditch the smug judginess before someone takes a snapshot from one of your own bad days and assigns you a permanent label.
And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
Even with my mother living in an "appropriate facility", memory care to be precise, I prayed for God to take her every single day. Watching her deterioration with dementia and other health issues was tearing both of us apart and she was ready to die. Why would I want anything else for her??
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
So accurately described . I agree , watching someone deteriorate, who wishes death would come, is difficult to witness , especially when it seems prolonged . You can judge me for this , but I wish Euthanasia was legal .
Thanks to everyone for taking a moment to let me vent, even those dissing me. It was a VERY stressful day when I wrote that and it wasn't particularly clear but I do think that people who haven't had to deal with watching their parents deteriorate have it relatively easy. They don't really understand the constant "on"ness of being a caregiver and for those of you who noticed. Yes, I am an RN, in fact, I am actually working on my Ph.D. in nursing but what I have found as an RN is an expectation, especially on the part of my sibling and nieces, is that I can just deal with everything and they take no kind of responsibility to help. BTW, it is not just my dad I am caring for, it is both my parents. My father had a traumatic brain injury and developed dementia and my mother has stage 4 cancer. They did NOTHING to save for this time and not only are they living with us, but we are also in the process of selling their house and creating a living trust to fund their care. On top of that, my youngest son has Down syndrome so most days I feel like I am running a home for those with special needs. I think the day I posted this I had just seen so many of the overly sentimental posts and they left me thinking how is it that I have landed in this situation, giving up half of my home and what feels like my life to care for two people who didn't take any responsibility for their future?
When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
You have a whole chorus of us screaming with you! I am currently thinking about how to "celebrate" my dad's 102 birthday. He has no idea how old he is but he wants to live to 107. My husband said to tell him he's 107 and maybe he give up and die. We are all in with the black humor.
Yes, I guess it is normal. I have one friend whose mother was 90. My parents are 94. For years we talked a great deal about how we were caring for our parents. Her mother died last fall after several years of decline.
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
I can't say that I have ever envied anyone the death of their parents, but I WILL admit that when my parents died in their 90s I felt little other than relief. They were the best parents ever. They lived long lives and lucky lives, very in love and free from illnesses for the most part. My Dad long wished he could go for the "long long nap". My mom was struggling n her last months. And what I felt when they each went was great relief, that I never had to stand witness to their suffering. That they never again had to be afraid. That I never again had to be afraid for them.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
I wish I was celebrating my mother's heavenly birthday whichever way it goes. Instead, I am taking care of her. She will probably outlive me. And yes, to answer your question, I am super envious of everyone whose parents have died and they aren't having to do what I am doing.
lorrsing, you should see the thread below. Many people likely share your feelings. I would be a liar if I said I never felt envious that my friends didn’t have to care for anyone and be burn out like I was.
Social media often causes people (who would otherwise be reasonably lucid) to take to romanticized flights of verbal euphoria.
Take super good care of yourself, achieve as much balance as you can between caregiving tasks and relaxation and recreation for yourself, and practice healthy ignoring of the nonsense.
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And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
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When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
Anyway, thanks for all the responses. OP
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
I'm just so stressed and depressed about it all.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/wrong-to-hope-someone-dies-150121.htm?orderby=recent
Take super good care of yourself, achieve as much balance as you can between caregiving tasks and relaxation and recreation for yourself, and practice healthy ignoring of the nonsense.
And if necessary, sit in the car and scream.
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