I placed my husband in memory care today but he does not seem to fit. I have been screaming and crying since I got home. Should I bring him home?

You would not, after 12 years of loving care, have done this if there was another option. You know this. What happens if insisting on giving care at home disables you? What then for your husband when he has not even your loving visits.

This is going to be a difficult adjustment. They are being honest with you and letting you know how they will handle his confusion, and this is how it is handled until he adjusts a bit.

As to guilt, you didn't create this. You aren't the cause. You are therefore not the felon who should feel guilty. You are grieving. This is the correct G-word for seeing your husband's helpless confusion.

Please give this a good long try. Promise yourself you will hang in there for one month and allow for adjustment. Again, you would not have done this if you didn't recognize that the care you have given for the last 12 years, continues forward, just may kill you first. Please try to give this time.

I am so very sorry. This is grief, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. This is deseperation. But it has ZERO to do with guilt. You aren't god. You can't change this. Allow yourself the cleansing tears.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time after placing your husband. From your profile I gather your husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, which can go on for 20+ years, and you've already had him home for 12.
I know that you wouldn't have placed him if you thought that you could care for him at home, but there comes a time(especially with Alzheimer's)that you have to not only do what is best for him but for you as well.
He is now safe, and will receive the 24/7 care he requires. Let him adjust to his new surroundings. Yes it will take time,(for you both)so it's probably best that you stay away for a week or two, as I'm sure the facility has recommended.
You knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy to place him, so take some deep breaths, cry if you need to because yes, you're grieving, and be good to yourself.
And know that in time your husband will adjust, and will more than likely actually enjoy his new surroundings.
And you can get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his caregiver.
I'm sending a BIG ((((hug)))) your way.

This is his first day, of course he is adjusting, you are overthinking this, give it a chance. It will take weeks for him to adjust.

You also will need to adjust, he is where he needs to be, nothing to be guilty about.

Take a deep breath, try to calm yourself down, if necessary go see your doctor and get something to help you get your emotions in check.

This is a process, there is no magic wand to make it better, there is an adjustment period for both of you.

AD and dementia is a no win situation for all involved. Decisions have to be made that often feel wrong but have no other solutions. Your gut reaction is to yank dh out of memory care but then what? You're between a rock and a hard place, and that's a scary place to be.

There are 2 lives that are being profoundly affected by his illness. Your life matters too, and after 12 years of caregiving, it's time to make a change.

I had mom in memory care for nearly 3 years, with her bellyaching the whole time about going home, hating the "baby games", the other residents, the horrrrible food, and you name it. Meanwhile, all that complaining gave her something to focus on, people to kvetch to, activities to participate in, outings on the mini bus to go on, even in a wheelchair. Doctors to see her in house. 3 hot meals a day, 2 showers a week. A caring staff who truly loved her and made sure her every need was met. They dressed her up every day in her beautiful clothing and wheeled her out into the Activity Room where she was able to socialize or go sit outside in the courtyard. She adjusted in time, too. When her Sundowning and agitation grew fierce, Ativan helped her a lot.

We were able to bring her a pizza party or Christmas eve dinner and celebrate as a family in the private dining room.

Is this ideal? Of course not. Ideally there would be no such thing as the dementias that cruelly rob EVERYONE of the loved one that once was. So we make compromises where we can insure they're safe and well cared for. "Happiness" becomes elusive with brain damage and we can't overreact to each outburst. That's the truth of the matter.

Don't blame yourself for making a decision like this based on DHs needs. Look after yourself too and in time, things will likely smooth out.

Best of luck to you

Adjustment such as you are experiencing is never easy. I am now in the third year of adjusting to having my spouse(wife) in an assortment of care situations. Started with home care by myself, then added in home care with outside help three days a week. Then we were hospitalized and went to a care facility for a month. After the first month we returned to home care for a while, again with outside help. Another short hospital stay following a fall about four months ago. Since release from hospital it has been three months in long term care facility and for the last month a small AFC home.
None of this has been easy for either my spouse or myself, but I am slowly reaching the point where I am able to accept reality. This will not get better, but I n ow know that she is well cared for and safe, which became impossible for myself and kids to provide. This will get better for you, but it will take time and adjustment. There is no perfect answer; time requires change. Wishing you the best.

I understand how you feel. I cried all the way home the day I left my husband in Memory Care. Give him time to adjust. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but please don't bring him home. He is only going to get worse and you need a team of professionals to help you at this point.

You have my sympathy. My husband moved to a Seniors’ Care Home in late September on the recommendation of many medical professionals. He, of course, was terribly upset about where he was living and all he could think and talk about was going home. The nurse in charge of my husband and the social worker have been helpful to me. It has been, and still is, an emotional rollercoaster. I tried bring my husband home for 3 days in November, as a trial, against the advice of the experts at the care home. It was a disaster and bad for him and me. He then had hope he could come home permanently and I knew from this experience it would kill me to move him home. I have looked after him for four years and put up with alcoholism and some abuse. Try to take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Try to enjoy any of your life that you can.

You had good reasons for doing what you did. Sadly your DH needs more care than you can provide at home. I think this is worse for you than for him because you feel guilty and are second guessing yourself. He will adjust to his new home in time and you will be there to support him in this new chapter of life.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

I am so sorry..truly sorry. This road is a tough one. I am struggling also with facilities BUT a counselor told me 3 years ago my job is to keep my mom safe, fed and a good roof over her head. I stepped up , placed her and slowly watched her actually improve in the memory care. She grew to enjoy others her age and she did eventually attend the activities. She disliked all crafts and bingo her whole life but started to look forward to them. You and your husband need time to adjust. His reaction seems typical to me. As a clinical staff member of facilities for 27 yrs I watched angry residents adjust well after a few weeks. Hang in there. Take a little time to catch your breath. Meds on admission are not unusual..as he adjusts ask for a reduction in meds as needed…good luck.

Try to step out of your emotions and really comprehend what people are saying here.

1. He is in MC because it's the best place for him now.

2. Becoming anxious and agitated is 100% normal for anyone with dementia who is out of their usual space. It would have happened if you'd taken him to the Ritz Carlton's most expensive suite with an ocean view.

3. However, just like with the Ritz, he'll become acclimated to his new space as time passes and it becomes familiar to him.

4. You have no reason to feel guilty. You cannot control everything, but you can make conscious choices to provide the best care for him, and this is the best care for him. You are still fulfilling your vows of "in sickness and in health," because you are still caring for him -- just in a different way.

5. Understand that you are not necessarily the only -- or the best -- person to care for him now.

6. Just as he needs time to adjust to the new change, you also need time to adjust. Grant yourself that time, because you deserve to have the best health possible as well. If it is too difficult for you to adjust, seek counseling because it is not in his best interests to bring him home to make you feel better.