Mom is severely demented. Can't stand it anymore, how do I get her into a nursing home?

freqflyer, thanks for the links to Nandulai's posts from 15 months ago.

So do you have a wife (mentioned in Dec 2021) or a girlfriend? Did you get divorced and now have taken up with a gf? If so, she's probably not going to stick around, either.

You didn't do anything to change your life (other than moving away from WV) last time you posted. So what's going to change now?

Since you have mental illness, too, are you under treatment? Do you have a therapist? If so, what does that person say regarding your current choices?

Is your (older) brother your mother's POA/HCPOA? What's the point in keeping her at home rather than in a facility?

My heart breaks for you. Please stop this madness and take back your life. Remain in California and don’t go back to West Virginia.

Once your brother is dealing with this situation on his own he most likely find a way to place her in a facility.

I truly feel sorry for your mom as well. She needs to be cared for properly and I don’t think your brother is qualified to do so. He isn’t being realistic about anything.

You do not have to obey his orders or live by his rules. Make your own decisions and be at peace with resuming your life.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Next time your month is coming up... just don't go.

You are not responsible for your brother's stupidity.

Who has POA? If she doesn't have one, this is more of challenge. Not for what you should do, but for getting her placed.

Has she been declared incompetent so the POA is active? If not, she needs to be seen by her doc and declared incompetent ASAP. Then the POA can get her placed somewhere.

Are you at mom's now or on the cusp of starting your month with her? Does she have money to hire aides? If you're going there soon, get lots of paid help to stay with her as much as you can so that you can get a break. Neither of you should be caring for this level of dementia alone. It's just waaaaaay too much.

If there's a couple of week notice to give your brother before you turn starts, give it to him ASAP. If you're POA tell him that you're moving her somewhere and get it done.

Neither your mother nor your brother can tell you what you should do. You can't give up your mental, physical and financial health because your brother wants to care for your mother or because your mother doesn't want to go to a nursing home. It is not their decision, it is yours. You should not feel guilty for deciding that full time care is the right thing to do. If your brother wants to continue to care for her full time, let him!

Nutty people do not get a say in anything. You have a choice. You can continue to do what you are doing and don't have enough to retire when it's time for you to quit or continue to put yourself out there and be miserable.

I feel for people who are losing their faculties, but it comes a time when it is time for placement. I remember a lady who took care of her entire family. She left her home to go south and she took care of her mother, sister and brother until they all died. Each of them had some form of dementia. When the woman came back to her home, she didn't enjoy any of her time in it. She ended up selling it and moving into a nursing home. She started showing symptoms of dementia. I sometimes wonder if it is all a brain disease or is it sometimes helped along with added life stresses, abuse and other reasons that are not factored into the equation.

Anyway, it sounds like that you may need to walk away from this.

Here are some previous postings that will help with a back story. Both from December 2021

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-cope-with-the-guilt-of-putting-mother-in-a-nursing-home-471731.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/is-this-dementia-471630.htm

Mom doesn’t get a say-so if she is demented and can’t care for herself. Are you really going to let an old woman who is now out of her mind ruin your life, future and relationship? C’mon, man, tell your bro you’re outta there. Then go.

Take her to the hospital and from there a facility

Selfish - " lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure."

I don't read anything selfish in your post whatsoever. I'm reading the words of a young man who has sacrificed a lot. And to be frank....for what purpose? Your BROTHER is intent on doing this-for what purpose? Is there some family home or inheritance that he is trying to preserve by keeping her in her home? Often there is some pretty obvious reason when one person is trying desperately to keep an elderly person in their home when it is clearly not in anyone's best interest. Did your brother promise her (or your father perhaps) that he would never put her in a nursing home? Those types of promises rarely work out well for anyone.

Regardless of any promises your brother made....or reasons he is trying to keep your mother in her home. Or opinions he may have of you. You are going to have to reassess and consider YOURSELF. You have been selfLESS to this point. Maybe it is time for a little selfishness on your part. To take your life back.

Let me be a little snarky for a minute. (forgive me). If there IS an inheritance - is it enough to cover you and your brother for the next, I don't know say 50 years each? A nice retirement package for each of you? Because what this arrangement is doing right now is preventing at least you from creating any kind of long term retirement savings by constantly interrupting your ability to work. In your line of work, if you will forgive me for being a little ageist - you only have so many good years of being a freelance carpenter before you have to hang up your hammer.

I don't know how old your mother is - I could take a reasonable guess and say she is anywhere from 58 to 78 and honestly anywhere in that range, depending on everything that is going on and how long she has had it -she could live a long time either way. Consider this - do you really want to continue this pace for even another year.

I do NOT mean to be an alarmist - but there is an ALARMING statistic - something like 30% of caregivers do not outlive the people they are caregiving FOR!! You are describing a miserable existence. You are paying to fly to West Virginia and back every month. You are stumbling through taking care of her when you are with her and through the rest of your life when you are not.

If your brother will not consider other options- maybe it is time for you to walk away and let him figure out what is going to happen without your help.

Do either of you have her POA? Does she have a diagnosis? Is she considered competent? If she is competent, and she refuses to do anything to take care of herself and Brother is willing to enable this- you can wash your hands of it. If she is not competent, and it is him, take a deep breath, tell him you are done, that you have to walk away and take your life back and that you will help him find a nice place for mom when he comes to his senses. If it's you - you don't even have to discuss it with him as far as I know - you need to talk to her doctor and begin to process of finding her somewhere safe to live. So it all depends on how things are actually set up and her actual capacity.

But you have to take a step and make a change for your own mental health!

You don't get her in a nursing home if she is not demented and wishes not to go there. And if YOU are the POA

If she IS diagnosed as having dementia and you are POA you simply call the ambulance to transport her to the facility chosen.

If you are not POA and your brother is then tell him you are done. Stop enabling this by providing your services.

If you don't want this particular stew to be stirred anymore, then remove your spoon.

As Beatty used to say "There will be no changes as long as YOU are all the changes."

Tell your brother you cannot do it anymore. And then don’t.

So stop doing what you are doing.
Stop the every other month trip
With a diagnosis of dementia it is up to the POA to properly care for the person. If you have POA you can p lace her in Memory Care. If your brother has POA he can continue to care for her or place her in Memory Care.
If no one has POA then you or your brother will have to obtain Guardianship. At that point she can be placed.
If no one wants Guardianship she can be made a Ward of the State and the Court will appoint a Guardian. The Court appointed Guardian will make all health and financial decisions for her.

Go West, young man.

You are currently waiting for permission to stop from either your mother, who is nuts, or your brother, who - I must put it kindly if I can - can't see the wood for the trees. When's it time for you to go back to California? At that point, tell your brother you're not coming back unless it's to visit your mother when she's safely in residential care (and stick to it).

Good luck to you. Nobody is benefiting from this current arrangement, including your poor mother.