My mom is in a wonderful board and care but when I visit, she tries to make me feel guilty. I am about to have a breakdown. What can I do?

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Your mom suffers from dementia, so she isn't cognizant of the grief she is causing you, and GRIEF is the right g-word for what you are feeling. Guilt infers that you are responsible for this, that you caused it and can fix it. Neither of those things are true, so use the right word, because words we tell ourselves matter, and this is worth grieving.

When your mom is sad and stressed I would keep my visits short. Tell her that you love her and will return when she is feeling better. She likely is no longer rational enough to explain all the reasons that this has to be the way of things. And if your visits ALWAYS trigger more unhappiness, I would make fewer visits for mom's own good.

If you need help I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. You aren't needing Freudian therapy about your early toilet training; you are needing clues about how to handle life transitions that you cannot make better.
This may help you step out of habitual ways of blaming yourself, and into acceptance that this is hard, cannot be fixed, and must be endured; hopefully with as little damage as possible.

I am so sorry. I hope for peace for you both.

Your stomach problems are being caused my stress. Your Mom is safe and cared for. Ignore her. You don't have to visit every day. Their time is not our time. Their days just blend into each other. You could be there everyday and Mom would tell someone she hasn't seen u in weeks. Try to change the subject and if you can't leave. You have done enough for ur parents and then Aunt. Lots more than any person can be expected to give. This is your time.

Reassure yourself daily, hourly if needed, that you’ve made the best decisions you can for your mom. Listen to none of the guilt inducing comments from her. When you visit, the minute it starts, leave her presence, go for a walk, and when you return talk about something else. If she starts again, leave and go do something positive that you enjoy. I recommend ice cream! Mom may not be able to change her behavior but that doesn’t mean you need to stick around for it. Your job is to make sure she is safe and cared for, checking in often at her new home will accomplish just that, no need to accept junk you don’t deserve. You matter too

What can you do? You can look after yourself. If that means visiting your mother less, so be it. She is being well cared for. You are not.

She has dementia. Perhaps redirection would work. Bring up something else is conversation.

I agree with leaving when she starts guilting you. It doesn't help her and it is destructive to you.

I know this is tough. Please put you and your health as a priority now. About 40% of caregivers die before those they care for. The stress is great.

Three years ago your profile says you were burnt out. Your health is not going to get better unless you make some drastic changes.

If looking after yourself means taking a break from visiting your mother till your health improves that's OK. You matter too. I think stopping seeing her at least temporarily is in your best interests.

I think as people get older and are staring at their own demise, they get selfish. I get it...I really do, but no matter how much you run yourself into the ground, her outcome will not change. Do not let her take you down with her. Your life is just as important as hers. You have given enough. When she starts guilting you and nagging you, get up and say "you are clearly not in the mood for company, so I am going to leave...I'll come back when you're in a better mood". After you do that a couple of times, she will get the message. If she is mentally unsound, she may never get the message and you may just have to cut your visits short to keep your sanity.

You don't mention what meds she is on, but the doctor can give her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds if needed.

Don’t visit as often

As a parent, I can’t imagine anything worse than forcing my kids to take care of me (by not being prepared to care for myself) for 20 years. No one wants to end up in a facility, but dominating your kids’ lives for decades is worse. You are doing your absolute best, your life is finite, so try to shake the guilt by whatever means necessary.

With all respect to you, you're 71 years old grow up. If your elderly mother's misery, guilt-tripping, and nonsense is too much for you (believe me I totally understand), then stop visiting her. Or stop visiting her so much. When she starts up with her act tell her that if this is what your visits with her are going to be, you will not visit her again. Then get up and leave.
If her effect on you is so stressful toxic that you get migraines, and stomach issues then I'd say it's time to stop visiting for your own health. Try phone calls for a couple of weeks. Its easier to hang up then it is to get up and leave when the toxic bullcrap starts up.
Your situation really isn't hard to remedy.

I chose counseling for me. It has helped me deal with my moms issues. Our only job is to provide a safe place for them, and food on the table for our parents. I am POA..I placed my mom in assisted living. She grew to like it. It was a tough time but I stood my ground. We are not responsible for their happiness. I am learning to find a loving emotional distance from this. It is worth the money.

Some moms just do this. During her last few years here with me, she raged that I didn’t do enough for her (just meal planning, shopping, some meal prep, laundry, cleaning, errands, appt booking, all financial...), I didn’t protect her from daily robberies (delusions, from misplacing her stuff), I made her get old when she wasn’t and I wasn’t available literally 24/7. At first, in care with every single thing done for her, staff and other residents around her, she wanted to be back home with me. Then she said I visit too often.

No no matter what it’ll never be right.

But when others visited, everything was peachy keen.

Now she doesn’t remember who I am and I’ve asked the staff not to say “Your daughter is here!” because it has started too many arguments. She thinks I’m just some nice old lady who pops by weekly. (she often thinks she’s in her 20s) So I am no longer subjected to the complaints.