Every time i visit she harps on "gee i thought u were staying" wants me to sleep in her twin bed. Serious dementia but i don't know what to say. She's got meds by 6pm and out by 8 unless i tell them to hold her meds til i leave, because she likes a bit of wine when i go. She's agitated all day til i get there arounf 5 they say..if i go earlier they say worse. Also living in diapers. I swear I'm gonna go first shes 90 I'm 67 feeling like 90. I go twice a week but it's hell w dementia and she still is guilting me. Gods sake she and dad came on my honeymoon!
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I can’t even imagine having my parents joining my husband and I on our honeymoon! We took vacations together periodically but our honeymoon, just no, hell no! Not a chance!
Well, you are clearly miserable and I can certainly understand why. It’s hard dealing with this kind of situation.
I am thrilled that your mom is in a board and care home instead of living with you. I’m glad that you only go twice a week instead of daily.
Cut back to once a week if you can’t bear going to see her as often as you do.
Go see someone who will help you to manage your emotions. I had a great therapist who validated for me that my feelings of frustration were normal. I also learned tools that helped me cope with anxiety and depression during my time of witnessing my mother decline.
I have no idea if your relationship with your mom has always been strained or if her behavior is new and related solely to her Alzheimer’s disease. If you have always struggled to maintain a healthy relationship with her then this will magnify your situation a million times.
I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. You know that you don’t have to stay overnight with your mom. She is being cared for.
You don’t have to keep repeating the same thing to her either because that is exhausting!
Personally, I would keep the visits as short as possible. She’s going to be the same way if you stay for hours at the time or if you stay for a brief period of time so why torture yourself, right?
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
One more thing, please don’t stress too long about her behavior after you visit your mother. Acknowledge your feelings and then let it go! Speak with her doctor about managing her symptoms with the proper medication.
I know of no elder w dementia that doesn't want to go home or for the visitors to stay longer. My mother started complaining as soon as I arrived at the memory care AL that I'd be leaving, it's the nature of the beast unfortunately. The visits can be grueling and leave you feeling worse for the effort, I know. I always had a stomach ache pre and post visits with mom.
When mom wants you to sleep over, just tell her you're expected at home to tend to your own matters. Or it's against the facility rules to stay all night. Or or or. Distract her off the chosen subject, in other words. It's also good to visit right before a meal so you can stay 45 min or whatever and then drop her off to eat before you leave. Come up w a plan that suits YOU bc mom is now at a place where making her happy is elusive.
All you can do is advocate for mom's care and make sure her agitation issues are properly addressed by her doctor. Dementia is truly a no win situation for all of us. Feeling guilty for something you cannot control or fix is self defeating. This is mom's journey in life so don't absorb the pain of it yourself or both of your lives are severely compromised.
I know it's hard, I dealt w this myself for years. The relief comes when they pass bc that's the only way out of the chaos and witnessing the steady decline that gnaws at the heart. We're fixers by nature but in the case of brain damage, we're pretty helpless which is frustrating. Even the doctors are at a loss when brain issues are at play. Remember self care bc you surely do not want to die prematurely from the stress of all this.
We grieve the loss of our mother's long before they die and THAT'S the journey.....the Long Goodbye....trying to reach the acceptance phase of the process w/o losing our own mind in the process.
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No one. NO ONE, NOT EVEN MOM, can guilt you if you don’t give her the time to do it.
DO NOT respond if she protests during your departure. She will not recall this the next time you are there.
REMEMBER, don’t respond to her, not even one single word. Don’t even turn back and wink in her direction.
Then enjoy whatever you have planned for yourself.
Good caregiving needs to be a BALANCE. it’s time for you to start tipping the balance in YOUR DIRECTION.
What happened on your honeymoon is long over. Let it go.
If you can only manage to go once a week then do that.
Wish you the best.
Good grief. Must have been some honeymoon.
🧸🩷
Her doctor should be prescribing her medication if she is agitated all day. No one should have to suffer in constant anxiety and agitation every waking moment.
You're 67 years old and visit your 90 year old mother twice a week so it's not like you have to take care of her yourself 24/7 like so many people here on this forum. How hard can she guilt you at this point?
The next time she says, "Gee, I thought you were staying" tell her no because you don't live there, but you'll be back in tomorrow.
Caregivers who have parents living in their homes have it much worse. Or if they live with their parents, either way, 24/7 is too much!
People who have parents in a facility can just get up and walk out!
I wonder what the back story is on the honeymoon. I can’t even imagine being on a honeymoon with parents tagging along. That’s insane!
Can you imagine being a fly on the wall for that conversation? How on earth does one ask to accompany their daughter on her honeymoon? Even more mysterious is why in the world would she ever say ‘Yes!’