Now. If he's not safe being alone anymore, the answer is now. Also, none of you should be pressured into quitting your jobs to care for him. The only situation in which that might work is if dad had enough money to pay you at least the same amount you earn at work, benefits and all, for as long as needed. (and we know that is unlikely).
Devris, in my opinion the best time to place someone into a facility is when that person is still able to learn their way around the facility, still be able to recognize faces, and still be able to make some friends.
Depending on how far long your Dad is in this dementia journey, is what type of facility he should be placed. If your Dad can budget for this, maybe start out with Assisted Living and later Memory Care, only if the facility offers both types of care. My Dad had that and it worked out great, he was so happy being around people of his own age group :)
If Dad is unable to budget for Assisted Living/Memory Care, then have him apply for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. If accepted by Medicaid, then Medicaid will pay for your Dad's room/board/care in a nursing home.
Completely agree. It is a hard decision but better to place them when they are still able to socialize and adjust. I waited too long struggling with the anxiety of the decision. It was harder for my mom because her disease had progressed. Also, I found that when they are familiar with their surroundings, they can mask how confused they are. Once they are moved to unfamiliar surroundings, the true decline is much more visible. My mom was much more advanced than I thought.
I think the sooner the better. Otherwise one or another siblings will attempt to take too much on him or herself in caregiving. That will cause resentment all around.
If Dad is no longer safe living alone all siblings should sit down with him and tell him this. Attempting to work around it all enables it.
You have given us little in details, so with what there is to work with I would vote for the sooner the better for being in care.
Thanks for your information.. I have POA and he currently living with one of my sisters.. My dad was married to my stepmom and when his dementia got worse she left and sold everything except the house without our knowledge.. My dad has 11 children and I am the oldest. I got POA and my dad just recently divorced my stepmom In February. My dad is stage 5 with dementia now.. My sister he living with now, she volunteered to get our dad because didn’t want him to go into a facility.. Like I said it’s 11 of us and only 2-3 of us help with him. He goes to adult daycare Monday thru Friday, 8-3 p.m.. I get him every other weekend, depends on my work schedule.. Four of us live in the same city our dad lives and other 7 lives out of town, but they are no help at all. The four us are not much help either.. We have meetings but nothing is being resolved. Now my sister that he lives with wants someone else to take him and at this point I think it better for my dad and everyone he be placed in a facility. The rest of my siblings don’t want him placed in a facility..I don’t want to either, but I can’t afford to stop working either and they can’t either.
Your sibs can say all they want about what THEY want for dad, but if they are not willing to step up and discomfit themselves--then they don't get a 'vote'.
And they don't get to sit an whine b/c they think dad deserves better care. If they are not 'boots on the ground'-then they have no say. They can be very supportive from a distance--paying for CG's, grocery delivery, day care, whatever, if it means so much to them to have dad home.
I bet they haven't laid eyes on him in months. It's easy to armchair quarterback this kind of thing!
Exactly!! I am baffled when I hear about these situations and siblings disagreeing. You're not willing to move him into your house and take care of him 24 hours? Neither am I. END OF STORY. What is there to disagree about?
I just read your profile. Dad is living in your home? Correct?
The way I see it is that you don’t need your siblings approval for wanting your dad to be placed.
If your siblings don’t want him to be placed, then tell them that you will be happy to pack your father’s belongings up and they are welcome to come pick your dad up.
If you truly feel that dad needs 24/7 care then say that no one should be caring for him at home. He needs to be placed in a facility so that he can receive proper care around the clock.
You say that all of you are employed. While this makes the situation more difficult, the fact is that even when a person isn’t working, it’s nearly impossible to do all of the caregiving alone. Many people hire additional help if they have a parent living in their home.
Who has POA? How did you become his caregiver? How long have you been his caregiver? Do you have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging or a social worker to help guide you through the process of finding the best solution for your father’s needs?
Since you do not say who has the POA it is hard to say who is on first.
With that said, it is best to place before it becomes a national emergency. Waiting until the last minute is not wise.
They acclimate themselves better when they still have some of their facilities. Make new friends, enjoy activities and so forth.
When we placed both our mother and step-father and his wife we toured 15 homes, some twice, talked to anyone we could. Made an informed decision.
Step-father has passed, now my mother is still in AL and step-mother has been moved to MC in the same facility. We chose one that had a step up program so we would not have to move them somewhere else.
Don't wait too long at least do your homework now.
If your Dad stays home, it will take at least 4 siblings to supervise around the clock. It's next to impossible to do this when everyone works for paid jobs and requires their breaks and much needed rest.
No question. Place him now, for all the reasons so ably mentioned here. I did move my husband from day program to the facility, and it worked well. And you don't have to explain it to him...if he is stage 5. If so, how did he get a divorce? A legal step when he is not cognizant ? Just curious. One piece of advice: visit often, even after he no longer recognizes you-- if for no other reason that to keep tabs on his care
Yes keep a watchful eye on the facility! My sister and I became that squeaky wheel. For dinner night after night they dished up pasta, rice and peas over and over again. Mom quickly gained 20 pounds that she didn't need to be carrying. We complained clear up the chain of offices. Now they get served, fresh fruit and vegetables, salmon, fish, healthy dishes that promote good brain and gut health. Fiber, protein, omega-3... We feel better that mom is eating healthier. Goodness, they charge thousands of dollars a month to take care of our parents, put some of that money into the good food budget. (by the way the online menu was NOTHING like what they were really getting)
I have a feeling that your situation, like many caregiving situations, are complex involving financial, emotional, legal, and logistical challenges. I think it’s ok to to see things differently but in the end perhaps you could all meet together to discuss what would be best for your father. It may be that one of you wants to step up and take care of your father at his home while the others contribute financially to you as a full time caregiver. Or, it may be that your father has assets that can be used to compensate you or the sibling that can take care of him at your home. Or, perhaps you can hire someone to take care of him. There are many things that are not known at this point and I think trying to list up all the available options may help you.
Makes me think that if all of you could get together and literally list out all the things that need to be addressed, have an all day session until you work out in agreement. It is a difficult thing. I’m blessed to have not had those difficulties. Good luck.
This happened to me. I was named POA and I just let my siblings know that I was placing Daddy in a facility. I kept them up to date on his declining health. I knew that all of them worked and I knew they could not come and take care of him. I checked out several places and we all chipped in for the extra cost for the facility. I told them I would go and check in on him, only because the facility was closest to me... 12-15 minute drive. My Daddy was not the easiest to place. He kept asking to go home and I had to redirect the question. His other children did come visit him occasionally like on weekends, holidays and special occasions.
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Depending on how far long your Dad is in this dementia journey, is what type of facility he should be placed. If your Dad can budget for this, maybe start out with Assisted Living and later Memory Care, only if the facility offers both types of care. My Dad had that and it worked out great, he was so happy being around people of his own age group :)
If Dad is unable to budget for Assisted Living/Memory Care, then have him apply for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. If accepted by Medicaid, then Medicaid will pay for your Dad's room/board/care in a nursing home.
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If Dad is no longer safe living alone all siblings should sit down with him and tell him this. Attempting to work around it all enables it.
You have given us little in details, so with what there is to work with I would vote for the sooner the better for being in care.
And they don't get to sit an whine b/c they think dad deserves better care. If they are not 'boots on the ground'-then they have no say. They can be very supportive from a distance--paying for CG's, grocery delivery, day care, whatever, if it means so much to them to have dad home.
I bet they haven't laid eyes on him in months. It's easy to armchair quarterback this kind of thing!
The way I see it is that you don’t need your siblings approval for wanting your dad to be placed.
If your siblings don’t want him to be placed, then tell them that you will be happy to pack your father’s belongings up and they are welcome to come pick your dad up.
If you truly feel that dad needs 24/7 care then say that no one should be caring for him at home. He needs to be placed in a facility so that he can receive proper care around the clock.
You say that all of you are employed. While this makes the situation more difficult, the fact is that even when a person isn’t working, it’s nearly impossible to do all of the caregiving alone. Many people hire additional help if they have a parent living in their home.
Who has POA? How did you become his caregiver? How long have you been his caregiver? Do you have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging or a social worker to help guide you through the process of finding the best solution for your father’s needs?
Best wishes to you and your family.
With that said, it is best to place before it becomes a national emergency. Waiting until the last minute is not wise.
They acclimate themselves better when they still have some of their facilities. Make new friends, enjoy activities and so forth.
When we placed both our mother and step-father and his wife we toured 15 homes, some twice, talked to anyone we could. Made an informed decision.
Step-father has passed, now my mother is still in AL and step-mother has been moved to MC in the same facility. We chose one that had a step up program so we would not have to move them somewhere else.
Don't wait too long at least do your homework now.
If your Dad stays home, it will take at least 4 siblings to supervise around the clock. It's next to impossible to do this when everyone works for paid jobs and requires their breaks and much needed rest.
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