So my husband and I are concerned because my aunt tells him that she was just put here and doesn't know why. So she confided in him that she has dementia and Alzheimers. But would like to change lawyers because she doesn't trust her current POA. That my aunt during an episode signed POA to my cousin. I don't know my cousin at all that is currently doing that all. We have a 14-year-old mentally 4. So we didn't want to take on more than we could handle.
We called my cousin and asked her so why is she in such an expensive place. Why was she moved from lvl 2 to one? What is her prognosis? She went on a tangent. Saying " I don't have to justify myself to you. Is the Alzheimers that is all. I've been busting my ass for a year. I am going to hang up before I say something I regret. Then she texts me the next day after all that and says i don't appreciate the accusations?!? What accusations? We never accused you of anything?!?! I felt like I was verbally abused. Am I wrong. This is word for word.
All we wanted to know was why she is in a secure facility??? Are we wrong in asking? I feel hurt that she would think we were accusing her of something?!?!
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I assume since you lived with your Aunt, this is one of her siblings children?
You first need to understand Dementia/ ALZ. The brain is dying little by little. Short-term memory, the ability to reason, comprehend, understand and process are gone or going. Your cousin may have explained this all to your Aunt and she has forgotten. You need to take what she says with a grain of salt because Aunt is as confused as you are. By level of care was she taken from an Assisted living to a Memory Care, if so it is more expensive and is for those suffering from dementia. ALs are not for those suffering from Dementia.
A POA is a big responsibility. Your cousin had to find out how much money there was for Aunts care. She had to find a place for her and is now responsible to pay the bill out of Aunts money each month. She has to make sure Aunt has the Depends she needs. Her toiletries. Bedding and towels have to be supplied. Oh, and those calls in the middle of the night telling you Aunt fell because by law they have to call. Calls from Aunt all day for whatever flits thru her mind. And this while probably holding down a job and having a family. Think of it as Aunt being a disabled child u have responsibility for till they pass.
I do feel that this conversation could have gone better but thats hindsight and I think we have all been thru it. And cousin was right, as POA she is not required to tell you anything. Her responsibility is to the principle, her Aunt. She should not disclose any financial or medical info. Doesn't look like she is trying to take advantage financially if Aunt is in a facility of any kind.
Cousin may have some resentment now taking on POA and may feel you lived with Aunt you should have taken on the responsibility of POA. None of us knows what is involved until we take on the responsibility. My Mom had nothing but a house that was more trouble than it was worth. I also hold my disabled nephews POA. Will not take on anymore unless my husbands.
I so hope that you contacting her works out. Better you can work together than against each other.
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But it wasn't wrong to ask?? We hardly got into asking her when she was very argumentative. Yes it may have gone better.
My aunt took me in after my mom died so yes she is like a Mom to me.
I get that she felt intrusive. But why so hash? But I will never ask her again. Is hard enough to ask my aunt how things going without her talking about lawyers.
Alzheimer's IS dementia. One form of it. If she has other forms, then she has mixed dementia.
You already have a full plate. Why are you not happy that your cousin is managing the care now? It sounds as though your cousin has put your aunt (I am assuming this is her mother?) in a safe care facility.
Indeed, your cousin is correct. As the POA she owes no one any explanations. If someone suspects a POA or a GUARDIAN of abuse of some sort then they will have to see an attorney to bring actions, or make a report to APS with proof of wrongdoing. This doesn't seem like abuse to me?
Were I in your position I would simply apologize. Say "I didn't mean in any way to question your actions for your Mom's best interests. I was simply asking a question. If you feel I am being intrusive just tell me that you do not wish to be questioned regarding care. And I will ask nothing further.
I wish you all the best. Attempt to get along. It's so much better for the failing elder when that can be the case.
If YOU can't help care for Auntie, and cousin doesn't want to share auntie's condition then there is nothing you can do. You're not PoA and so cousin doesn't have any obligation to tell you anything.
Give her some time and take a break on trying to get any information. I think if you show some compassion and concern, rather than come across like you're angry, you'll have a better way to speak to cousin. She sounds like she's exhausted and is probably more than a little angry if she has been dealing with this alone.
You don't 'think' you sounded accusatory, but to a total outsider, I see how cousin could take what was said as being 'accusing'.
My YB who was mother's primary CG was often very easily 'set off' by a comment about mother's care. He was beyond exhausted and depressed. We all walked on eggshells around him. He frequntly took offense when none was intended, and I personally learned to take a beat and walk away when he got like that.