How to make everyone happy? As a POA, daughter, grandmother, and sister, how do I make choices?

If you having POA for a parent "destroyed the relationship" with your sister, there wasn't much of a relationship intact to begin with. Unless your sister feels she stands to inherit more as POA, what's her motive for all this nonsense? Holding POA for a parent is a big job with plenty of responsibilities which has nothing to do with wills and inheritances.

You are the POA.
That is a fiduciary duty of the highest level.
You are responsible to do what is right, safe, and in the best interest and well being of your parents.
Period.
End of sentences.

AlvaDeer’s answer is correct. Being POA *is* of the highest fiduciary order. I would consult with an elder law attorney in your state, ensuring that the attorney not only addresses the law, but what your parents’ POAs lay out, so you are very clear.

I was POA for my dad. I was fortunate in that my responsibilities were explained to me by an elder law attorney. I consulted one because I have a very difficult sibling who had no idea what being POA meant, and came up with the most bizarre demands for both financial and elder care. She would not help, only obstruct. My dad - very intact mentally, but physically in bad shape - didn’t understand what was going on between the two of us because I didn’t want to disturb his peace. But she kept nattering away at him, with him thinking I was just being an arbitrary butt. But I finally sat down, read some of the correspondence from her to me (totally bizarre stuff), explained what could and couldn’t be done, and why. I also offered to step back as POA if he was unhappy with how I was managing things. He did NOT want that, and had a conversation with sis. She backed off.

Long story short: the elder law attorney will help clarify. It helped me tremendously, and for a very small investment (3-4 hours of attorney time - yes, it can look expensive, but it’s worth its weight in gold). I found for me, once I understood exactly what my role was as POA, I could move forward in confidence, and could understand when sibling requests or demands were valid or off the rails. It helped guide decisions for my dad’s care. It helped my dad understand, too, and that made the biggest difference.

My best to you!

If you go through life trying to make everyone happy you will make yourself miserable and make no one happy.
You are POA.
YOU make the decisions that are in your parents best interest.
To make those decisions you take the information that you have been given and you decide based on what you know.
You can ask for input. You can ask for ideas or suggestion but at the end of the day it is you that will decide.
Your parents obviously trusted you with this responsibility.

I have a "not normal" sister too, who worked against me (POA) with regards to my mother's care at times. I think she felt she should have been made POA and resented that I was.

She had absolutely no idea of the work involved. We didn't have a good relationship to begin with, and it got worse with her interference and lack of respect that I was POA.

Your last sentences says it all to me.  "I listen to all opinions and then go with what I feel is right."

YES!!! I believe that is the right thing to do. Good for you!!!

You have my sympathies. I know what it is like having a non supportive, interfering sibling. I ended up reducing contact with her and finally going no contact after mother passed and the estate was settled. (I was executrix too.) I don't know if your situation is that dire but please protect yourself as much as you can. The job is so big and draining without that additional problem. (((((hugs))))

And this is why some people wish that they were an only child, right? No one to give them a headache, fight with, compete with and so on.

Nothing is sadder than when we don’t get along with family members. There will always be conflicts that arise.

Rarely do parents and children agree on everything. Nor do siblings. It’s wonderful when family members are able to see eye to eye.

Sometimes things are resolved down the line and others times they aren’t. That’s life. It’s never simple.

If you are the POA, then you hold all of the cards. You have the power. Just use your power responsibly and allow the rest to fall into place. You will never be able to please everyone.

Be yourself. It’s never a good idea to change your values for someone else.

Best wishes to you and your family. I hope that things will work out and you can find peace and harmony within your family. If this doesn’t happen, take comfort that you did what you felt was the best solution.

Momhelp11: Perhaps you need to retain an elder law attorney.

I think that you should be honest say that you have the POA, someone has to make sound informed decisions.

So many times dealing with aged parents there are sibling issues. I am fortunate, my brother and I work in harmony and make good joint decisions, it works so well for our mother and step-mother, both in homes.

We did sell both of their homes and are using the proceeds to keep them in the facilities. It was the best decision for all involved.

I will go with your sister thinks she should have been POA. You need to tell her suggestions are welcome but in the end the decision is yours. Thats how it goes. As POA your parents have assigned you to take care of their interests as they would have. You really should not discuss their finances with her if you feel they wouldn't want that. Same with Medical, if they were private in this way, then u need to be private too. Me, I knew Mom would want her boys to know so I kept them updated. I guess I was lucky, they just allowed me to do my thing.

Did your parents make her POA if you can’t/won’t do it? If so then maybe give her her wish and walk away from that job and just visit them as their daughter. If she wants to do all that work, let her. She has no idea what she’s in for.