…which necessitates my seeing the loafers in person after that. If you are not going to do your job—get out of this industry. #2. I grieved the loss of my mother long ago when she chose her son/my brother over all others; I had to re-parent and nurture myself. So, I don’t need her now nor do I feel close to her.
I do feel fortunate in that I believe the facility she is in, is a good one. It is clean, absent of odor and I have never seen neglect like the nursing home horror stories we have all heard. I just hate constantly staying on them about, why is her head greasy, why is she still in bed, are you seeing to it that her teeth are brushed, she has clothing—why is she in a hospital gown, etc. I feel like a parent and a boss rolled into one. It is just easier to not visit often. I am her Power of Atty and I do A LOT of stuff others are not aware of.
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I'm confused. Does she have a personal, private nurse that comes to take care of her in addition to the CNAs and nurses at the facility? Because while I understand the legitimacy of your questions to an extent - you do understand that your mother is not their only patient right? They cannot wait around all day for her to agree to get a shower or get out of bed or get her teeth brushed or get dressed. If she refuses to do so - they have to move on to their next patient. They cannot force her to get out of bed.
And if they did force her - you would be here railing about the fact that the facility is forcing your mother against her will to get out of bed everyday and you just want them to let her do what she wants to do and you don't understand why they are such tyrants.
They should provide a certain level of care - absolutely. But you yourself said that she is in a good facility. She is not neglected. So clearly they are taking care of her. Just not to the standards that you would take care of her. And that is the issue. NO ONE is going to take care of her the way that you would. BUT if you could take care of her - she would be in your home.
Is it possible that you resent having to step in and take care of these things - especially because of the situation with your brother. And the fact that they aren't taking care of her the way you would gets on your nerves, because they have other patients. And you are still trying to get your mother's approval by continuing to go to bat for her? Is she not able to advocate for herself at all? To tell them she wants to take a shower, she wants to get up and get dressed or brush her teeth? Because most places have a schedule - rounds. They encourage each resident to do exactly those things every day.
You don't have to constantly stay on them to do what they already do everyday. Its entirely possible that they ARE attempting to do those things -but that your MOTHER is the one choosing not to do them. And by "constantly staying on them" you are not likely making any allies. If you are constantly in their faces telling them what they are doing wrong - it is probably better if you aren't visiting all of the time - because they are better able to do their jobs without the outside interference - as long as they are doing what they need to do to take care of her.
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Since you have no info in your profile as to what level of needs your mom has some answers might be different.
In the State of Illinois the requirement is that a person be showered 2 times a week. Check your State to determine what the minimum requirement is.
Now a CNA can not "force" a person to shower.
They can not "force" a person to get up out of bed nor can they "force" a person to get dressed.
They can not "force" a person to eat, to join the rest of the residents.
Many staff have ways to get someone to get up, get a shower, get dressed but they may have to leave 1 resistant person and get back to them later.
Rather than emailing and coming off as "*itchy" when you do visit greet the staff, thank them for the care they are giving to all the residents. Smile, say good morning or good afternoon. Say good bye when you leave.
As my Grandma used to say..you catch more flies with honey then vinegar.
When my dad was in care a few years back I was there quite a bit to keep an eye on the care but also to let them know I may show up at any time,
Unfortunately, in a way, I think my dad did get a bit better attention that way, but just the way I found it. Yes, because of that maybe others received less care, though to be honest I tried to keep an eye on other patients in the hall too and tried to make sure they got help. And YES, I know this is not the norm, but much of the time I found aids at the end of a hall playing on their devices. Min wage or not, that is not acceptable and I blame the management for not keeping an eye on that.
The whole industry is a mess. Just finished an old John Grisham book, Camino Winds, that reminded me of the abuse in this industry. Not that the abuse is like that in the Grisham book, but it reminded me of the issues.
A sensible, functional admonition. I’m sure there are at least 10 applicants at a really high level of competence just waiting to fill each of those slots, hurrying to empty the bedpans at minimum wage.
Oh, wait……
Have they had such a conference with you? And how did it go?
Try to relax, mom can refuse any care that is offered and staff must respect her decision even if she is incapacitated.