Venting some frustration. Any suggestions?

My mom is 82 and lives next door. I'm her person, her caregiver (when needed, she's still very independent) and her go-to for any kind of question. She can do crossword puzzles and win trivia games, but her common sense IQ is horrible.

The thing is, her house is almost falling down around her. It's bad enough that when she dies, my sister and I plan to tear it down, because it was cheaply constructed and she's never touched it since my father died 35 years ago. She has trouble walking, but won't admit it, so every time she goes out, she's a fall risk (broke her leg last year doing something completely unnecessary). I have to nearly fight with her in order to take her arm because she doesn't want to be seen as "old." But she can't walk for more than a few steps without losing her breath. Her balance is awful and she won't do PT.

She is both very vain and very disheveled. She puts on makeup every day, but her pants are falling off her and she won't pull them up. Her nose runs all the time, and I have to hand her a tissue to wipe it. She says, "I know! I carry tissues everywhere I go!" But she doesn't use them. She looks homeless at times. My sister and I buy her better fitting clothes, but she won't wear them. She views us tugging up her pants (which are LITERALLY falling off) as criticism. Same with saying, "Mom, your shirt has food on it."

I know she's depressed but she views people who take antidepressants (including me) as weak. She won't see a therapist and lies to her physician about everything: activity, food, alcohol. She won't let me come with her to these appointments.

She's often really mean to her friends (and my sister and me). At a dinner party the other night hosted by my husband and me so she could get together with her old pals, she told three of her best friends that she used to be so bored with them when they went away for the weekend together. When I gently said the next day that I thought that had been kind of rude, she denied it and said it was funny. No one else thought so.

The other night, I came home to find her in my dark house, her car in my driveway, running. It was dark. I went inside, and she was standing in my dark kitchen. This is exactly how she fell last year...leaving my house when I wasn't there. I asked why she was there and if everything was okay. She said she wanted to turn lights on for me. I told her that wasn't necessary; that when I hit the button to open the garage door, the lights come on automatically. Then she said she was worried about my dog. I had talked to her 30 minutes before to tell her I was coming home and the dog would be fine until I got there.

I reminded her this was how she broke her leg last year, which required bedrest and a cast for MONTHS. She got irritated with me. I told her again the next day she CANNOT come over in the dark, that it's dangerous, and I didn't need her to do those things for me (as I had told her on the phone).

I know she's probably starting with dementia. The problem is, it's not diagnosed. She's very stubborn and has always lacked common sense, but now it's worse, and more risky. She shouldn't be driving, but again, I have no power to take her keys away. When I bring things up, she tells me, "Oh, so-and-so is much worse" as an excuse.

So I'm in this limbo of needing to care for a person who doesn't want the care. Sometimes, I wish she would die before it gets worse. Her life is very small. She's lonely for my dad and her youngest sister, who died last year. Sometimes I wish she'd end up in a care facility so she could be safer and surrounded by more people (I work and travel a lot for work). It's just this endless loop right now, and I know it will get worse.

Thanks for listening, folks.