It has been about 4 months now and my husband's and I's relationship is really strained. We have moved in to take care of his mother since his father passed away. She is on Oxygen and continues to smoke. We have done everything for hiring agencies and she just cusses them out and they drop her. She refused to bathe and threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes. Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house. I am seriously unsure what the best thing is. We cannot find anyone to come out to help her and she is ruining our lives. My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call. She bangs on the floor all hours for him to come up and help her. She plays the Martyr and is a really bad narcissist. Upon cleaning, my daughter, who is her step-granddaughter, the purse that went missing 14 years prior was found in her closet. She told me she did not have it and held onto it for 14 years. The manipulative deceitful acts occur daily. She gives me a look that would burn your soul. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am not sure if we can find a place that would take her. We have run out of home care options and she was already booted from rehab. My husband is an only child and is her sole care provider. She is always snippy with me and does not want anything I cook. She orders me around like I am her servant.
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Throw this into reverse!
Quick sticks!
Ask, say, do..
ASK MIL what she wants - from a list of what is Realistic + Affordable + Available in her area.
SAY
1. Say what you WILL be able to do, going forward.
Eg telephone once a day as a welfare check-in + visit once/twice a week. Help arrange services with her. Help arrange meals on wheels or food deliveries. Or if she is completely against these & cannot cook, bathe or clean, offer to help find her a nursing home instead.
2. Say what you will NOT do going forward.
Eg Live in. Pay for her lifestyle.
Be at her beck & call. Put up with verbal abuse.
3. Say if you find she is unsafe living alone, refusing help to live safely, you will report her as vulnerable adult at risk to authorities.
DO. Do as you say you will. Arrange home services again.
Move out.
Notify APS.
Q.1 Does your husband ever feel free to say NO to his Mother?
Q.2 If not, why not?
Q3. Can you freely say no to him?
You have slidden down a big slippery slope.. but you can reverse this. Hopefully WITH your husband. Or.. he is left down there to smother alone. He chooses.
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I am so against moving in with a parent I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories, so many just do not understand the ramifications of doing this. Your husband not working is one of them, you are now dependent on the mother to keep a roof over your head. Yes, she knows that it is her home, her rules, you are her coolie.
She can live for many more years, is this how you want to spend the next years of your life? I would hope not.
Good Luck!
Neither of you is obligated to this horrific woman. Being an only child doesn’t entitle a person to put his spouse through hell.
She could kill all of you if she starts a fire with her smoking and oxygen. Is that how you want to die? I doubt it.
If you and husband leave, that’ll pave the way for someone else to take over her care. As long as you stay, you’re enabling her to abuse both of you.
Or you choose to stay and deal with all this that you have mentioned if you feel qualified to do so and wish to continue in this manner.
You do not mention that there is any diagnosed dementia.
Nor do you mention that there is a legal POA .
If there is no dementia your MIL can take care of herself or hire in help.
If there is dementia I would call APS to deal with MIL and tell them that you are unable to do so.
If APS believes her living conditions are unsafe they will arrange for diagnosis and guardianship of the state, then placement. You will not have a choice as to where this is, and the state will appoint a fiducicary to manage finances, medicaid if needed, and nursing home care.
The choice is really entirely up to you. I sure wish you good luck. Not everything can be fixed.
You say that your husband "has to be at her call" but let me tell you, your husband is choosing to be at her beck and call. There's a big difference.
If hubby wants to continue to be his mother's slave and be used and abused, that's on him not you. You have to now do what is best for you and your marriage.
As long as someone is there to enable your MIL she will never admit that she needs more help and the vicious cycle will continue.
Just because your husband is an only child doesn't mean that he is in any way responsible for the care of his mother. I just don't understand that way of thinking.
So next time she threatens to remove you from the house, PLEASE take her up on it and then let the chips fall where they may. It's time to call her bluff!
And once out you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them take it from there.
do. Move out and let your husband tend to Mommy.
It wil be on official record then and you will be less likely to be blown off and more likely to get some action. Hopefully no guns in the house?
Prayers and very tough love…
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