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trials Asked April 2023

Terrible experiences as adult child caregiver. How I deal with it?

It seems I've read where tons of you suffer at the whims of your Mom. I also have this issue. The way I deal with it is by having my own separate living situation (a trailer) on her property. I can be over there in 1 minute if she falls or anything. I also quit answering the phone when the calls came at the rate of more than 200 in a month. I use several strategies to get my eyes on her several times a day, I use her laundry facilities, I needed to borrow a rolling pin yesterday. I use her printer on my home network and often pick up pages from the office. This has created room between us so we can pretend everything is fine. I suggest you will not overcome a narcissist Mom's built up way of life. No matter how you approach it you must accept you aren't going to change a bad experience into a good one by having a fit. It feeds their narcissism.


I'm just saying, create space however you can. I'm guessing most of you that MUST live in the same house are going to get zero relief. I've ignored my Mom's unreasonable asks for more than a year now, and she still does so at every turn...She says she can't count on me for anything now lol


There is no cure for elderly with mental problems. In my experience it only gets worse.


The only thing you can do is build your own exit strategy.

Hopeforhelp22 Apr 2023
Hi Trials - I appreciate your post - you had given really good advise, based on your experience - especially saying to "create space however you can."

What I find so incredibly sad is that there are so many of us on this forum who have put so much excruciating time and efforts into taking care of either one or both parents, who not only show zero appreciation...but who also lacked the ability of ever having been a good parent. They failed as parents by either being neglectful or unloving, abusive, etc - and then expect everything for their own selves now.

Growing up and even thru my adult years, I just assumed that a parent was naturally nurturing and protective ...and even when my parent's weren't, I was in denial of ever wanting to see them for who they were and are - and I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.

trials Apr 2023
Thank you all for the feedback. While living 400 miles from my Mom there was never any problem. She would occasionally have a meltdown though recover in a few days. I moved here due to her discharge from the hospital being dependent on someone being able to check on her 2x a day according to her social worker at the hospital. Drs confirmed her having dementia back then. Mom decided I would be her sole caregiver and housekeeper. I have a job. I won't be her full time cg. Never said I would. She had a literal 6 month meltdown where she reported to anyone who would listen that I was neglectful and uncaring. She assaulted my ability to take casual jobs (im an inspector) by calling even 30x a day. She would cry and scream, start arguments and make it impossible to carry out work in my home office. She insisted on keeping the office door open during meetings I have online and blare her tv. It was a mess. There was absolutely no way to get away from the constant harassment. She became an emotional bully. Then covid hit...I was stuck with her 24/7 for 2 months before I bought this trailer and moved it onto her property. Solved the problem. Now and then she still has a fit and says she'll get the police to come throw me out. It is only in the moments she becomes frightened about being forced into rehab after her now many trips to the er and hospitalizations that she becomes compliant and sweet as pie about having someone who can watch her and take care of what she cannot.
Horrible...
But in the end, she was never looking to have a partnership in this inevitable slow slide down. She was looking to rekindle the parent/child dynamic but with a twist of me being a maid.
I read what others here are going through and am reminded how lucky I am to have the resources to have made the break w/o losing the relationship.
All her other relatives/friends/contacts have simply broken contact.
I feel sorry for her but in the end, there's nothing I can do but take care of me
This forum has helped me immensely separating what she wants from what she needs.
I feel terrible for those of you who cannot get out of the adult child caregiver role from inside the same home.
I was hoping someone who hadn't thought of it yet would take my getting a trailer and placing it in the yard as good advice. She would be in ltc right now if I had to stay in there with her
Anabanana Apr 2023
Oh yes, the trials of trying to work from home! During the peak of the pandemic, while my kids did their classes online, my mother would come over and interrupt, even trying to get them off their computers. We had to apologize and explain to teachers. We moved two of them from the dining room table, into their bedrooms, which I hated, because it isolated them. Our third set up in the basement family room, hoping the stairs would deter my mother.

She also interrupted my husband’s online meetings. He then kept his camera off so clients wouldn’t see her and he could quickly mute her.

I ended up standing guard to intercept her.

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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
A person has to be able to close their own door as the saying goes. You do not have to live in the house with your mother. The situation would be very different if you were actually living with her in the same house.
Your situation being the caregiver to your mother is working out right now because the care is being done on your terms, not hers.
You do not take all of her calls. She cannot get to your trailer on her own. So when you want space, you have it. She cannot berate and belittle you if you're not taking her calls or going over there. She cannot instigate and pick a fight with you if you're not giving her access to.
A situation like yours is the best possible scenario to be a caregiver. Close by that you can be there in under a minute, but far enough away that you don't have to tolerate any of her crap.
It's impossible when you're in the same house.

CTTN55 Apr 2023
In Jan 2022, you wrote: "I'm my Mother's sole caregiver, she's almost 83, not able to walk, can transfer from motorized chair to commode, can feed herself, lets the dog out, gets the mail when motivated, etc. There are several things she absolutely needs help with- grocery shopping, dr visits, picking up meds, and veterinary visits for her pet."

What happens if she weakens and cannot transfer from motorized chair to commode? Since she has refused to hire her pre-pandemic help, then what? You note that you "pretend that everything is fine." What's the next step when the pretense no longer works?
BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
The next logical step is placement or the OP brings in 24 help for the mother then moves off of the property.
Anabanana Apr 2023
We built a 1000sq ft home for my mother, within 100ft of ours. (rural acreage) We each had a key to the others’ house for emergencies. I never had to check on her as, prior to her dementia she would let herself in daily from day one, to bring over the newspaper. Then the visits went from 10 minutes to 3 hours... 4... 5... while she shadowed me and complained. If I didn’t answer the phone, she’d let herself in and, for example, if I was in the shower, she’d pound on the bathroom door. Once she even popped the lock. Or leave me an angry letter if I’d gone to town. If she saw me outdoors, she’d ambush me or try to intercept me on my way to my car. I couldn’t swim, garden or just sit outdoors for years without conflict.

As an only child, I grew up believing children were not entitled to any boundaries. Questioning that led to explosive reactions. But she loved to talk about how respectful she was of the boundaries of others. And rage if someone violated hers.

I knew she was always difficult but nothing prepared me for her exaggerated behaviour from dementia. Nothing was ever enough, no matter how much I did.

Yes, I know I’ll never be good enough. I’ve finally made my peace with that.

My point (yeah, I’m wordy) is that there is no single nor simple solution.
AlvaDeer Apr 2023
It is a good point. Our experiences are pretty much individual as a thumb print. Our elders are as well. This isn't about "good enough". It's about human limitations, about doing the best we can, about knowing we didn't cause it and we can't fix it, it's about hoping others are helpful and kind instead of judgmental. Your experience is the more common one, Ana, the one that has had me scratching my head and saying that the best place for elders is 1,000 miles away.
IF one is going to try to do "in home" care I think this the best way to "attempt" it.
IF you are dealing with a person with narcissistic tendencies I think having no expectations that they will EVER praise you, every thank you, is best, if probably impossible in reality.
trials Apr 2023
the more I live it the more I appreciate treating my neighbor as I want to be treated. Everybody deserves what small happiness they may find. Knowing I'm empathetic to her will be a treasure someday...
AlvaDeer Apr 2023
See my answer to JoAnn below. I think you are perhaps one in a million, and can be of such value here talking to others.
AlvaDeer Apr 2023
I am glad that you have found what works for you and for your's and your mom's situation. I have often thought that whether "tiny house" solution, or another, living on the same property but with separate premises as long as you are able is perhaps the ideal.

Thanks for posting here because doing it this way may help many others. I think this Forum is somewhat unique in elder care and solutions. I especially love the way you make it "not about checking up on her" but about needing the printer, and etc.

Again, thanks for posting a solution. We get so many more problems than solutions.

JoAnn29 Apr 2023
What a good attitude. I never had to deal with a narcissist. So, you aren't looking for anything from Mom like confirmation or love. Your just there for when she needs you. You let things roll of your back and don't take them to heart. And, you have your escape route.
AlvaDeer Apr 2023
You sure did just peg what makes it so difficult for the adult child to work with, live with, help a parent with narcissistic tendencies. They are forever waiting for the parent to tell them what good kids they are. And while they habitually do THAT they miss the forest for the trees. Because that parent, with those limitations, will never give them praise; it's just something "missing in them". Our OP is one of the rare ones who got through being raised by someone with these tendencies all the while KNOWING/having a good sense of self, and not desperate for what all children need from a parent. Somehow our OP knows how to take care of self and elder.

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