For those who gave up caregiving, what happened to your person afterwards?

I live in Oregon and this states elder care laws and DHS SUCKS!!!! If you have ANY contact with the parent, they MAKE you take care of the parent! I'm disabled and told DHS my mom was physically assaulting me! They did nothing! I told them I was going to be leaving and I would give them advance notice before I left! They told me if I did that, a warrant would be issued for my arrest for elder abandonment! You did GREAT by getting a lawyer! After all this crap happened to me, I called a lawyer and was told I could sue the State for false imprisonment! So, my advice to anyone in a bad situation is to run fast and run far if you don't have a good relationship with the parent! Depending on what state you're in, you could be legally obligated to go through what I went through! My advice- drop her like she's hot! Change your phone number and even move if you have to! This advice is just from what I have been through! She FINALLY ended up being put in a home after eating a fly! No joke! So, essentially, a fly was more important than I was to the state! She was deemed unfit FINALLY! People don't realize that the laws of the state can turn your world upside down and ruin your life if you are in any way involved in the parents life! Thank God you have a lawyer! Just stay away from your mom! That's my personal opinion! I'm not a lawyer!

This morning you made a new post informing us that you went to an Al-Anon meeting and it was a transformative experience for you. I just want to point responders to that post so we can all cheer for you there!

So very happy you took this step!

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-finally-went-to-al-anon-480802.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�v

No personal experience, but in the case of an alcoholic extended family member whose behavior and choices burned every bridge around him—after everyone involved finally backed away, he was diagnosed with cancer in his liver and colon, was predicted to die soon, but lived about five more years, still drinking until the end. He was practically neon yellow with the degree of jaundice for years. The morbid joke became that he was too mean to die. He was cared for by professionals in a healthcare setting and finally died. It was a sad end, but one he fully chose. I wish you courage and peace in choosing to care for yourself, it’s a wise decision

Nothing, my mother just kept on drinking, still does at age 98, she could care less about anyone but herself and they always land somewhere as there are many suckers in the world. They just move from one to another.

You can't spend your life worrying about her, she is an adult responsible for her own behavior, just as you are.

Don't become her emotional prisoner.

aj,

I second Alva, AlAnon and Nar-Anon are great! I bet that you could even find meetings online if you can’t make it to an in person group. Go in person if you possibly can though.

My oldest brother (now deceased) was an addict. A lovely nurse told me to go to meetings when she saw me struggling to care for my brother in the hospital after his horrific motorcycle accident.

I was glad that I went for support. Give it a try.

aj - no doubt it is a hard decision but a right one. Your mother is an adult. She's choosing her actions and thus her life. Staying there to clean up her messes is enabling her. I am so glad that you are choosing to stop that.

Allowing her to fully see and bear the consequences of her actions is the only way she can learn or choose not to. Either way, it's her choice, not yours.

AJ, have you been to Al-Anon. I was there briefly, and pretty much, back then, a few times was all it took for me to know my two choices, stay or go. I went.

But I was amazed by the support, the networking of the group, people coming up to me as a new person with suggestions about trying different meetings as the communities varied (my city is FULL of this kind of support). And people had all sorts of resources.

The person I had to give up on was not a spouse. What happened? We still see one another once in a while, we are friendly and we move on. He still drinks. It is a choice not to get help.

I think that you will find people at Al-Anon to tell you all about their stories. I bet they will vary a whole lot and have little to do with the outcome of your own. I think what you are doing takes great strength, and I wish you good luck. And wish that for your Mom as well. Please leave her the contact numbers for AA.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You aren't her retirement plan. You can't have her recovery for her. Let her have her alcoholism until she chooses something else of her own free will. Anything else is you enabling her and keeping her sick. Co-dependent, dysfunctional. Consider attendiing Al-Anon meetings for your own good, and/or see a therapist to identify and defend strong boundaries for yourself.

She will probably become a ward of the county. Then will be transitioned into a Medicaid facility where she will have housing, meals and medical care. It may not be the Tajmahal, but it's all she will need.

May you gain wisdom and receive peace in your heart that sometimes there are no good solutions, only "least bad" options.