Recently due to a few caregiving issues with my wife's grandmother my father-in-law has found himself becoming sole caregiver(with some help) of his 92 year old mother. She will be relocating a couple hundred miles to live with him, he will have to find a new single level apartment, he'll need to find care for her while he's at work etc. Watching this quickly unfold my wife and I realized that we've never discussed the extent of the care that we'd would be able to provide or willingness, the key feature of the discussion being boundaries. There are plenty of questionnaires that you fill out before getting married about sex, finances, house duties and other general topics that are supposed to prompt a greater discussion but we haven't been able to find one about extended family and elder care. At the moment our collective parents are all relatively healthy and in their 60s, but we want to be prepared having talked about it and having gotten on the same page for when in the hopefully distant future that changes. We don't want to be taken by surprise and have a discussion we never thought to have drive a wedge in our relationship 20 years from now. Does anyone have any resources they could provide or conversation prompts?
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I am so glad my parents documented everything they were clear they didn't want me to provide hands on care, intensive medical intervention if something happened to them and that they would move into a facility if necessary. When my father had a medical issue which meant he could never walk or talk again, have untold other issues, and he would need a feeding tube if we wanted him to survive. It took the guilt off of my shoulders as I knew he wouldn't want that, so I denied the tube and let him pass away.
My husband's mother will not do this, and I know it will cause an unrepairable rift with his brother if she needs care. His brother has already said he will do anything to keep her alive and will move her into his house if she needs more care. He expects my husband to help but that will not happen due to distance and other obligations. I know his mother doesn't want this as we have had the discussion, but she won't document it or let him know as she doesn't want to face it.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
1. Never say you will let them live with you unless you want to provide hands on care. Even if they are capable now, this could change quickly, and you will need to be prepared to dedicate your life to caring for them.
2. Never promise you won't move them into a facility. Sometimes this is the only option if they have a high level or care.
Reading some of the posts under the Burnout care topic with your spouse will also give you each a dose of reality.
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However, I would avoid making big promises. My parents promised each other they would "never put the other in a home" and my Mom's last year at home was brutal and I think led to my Dad's decline. And he's still very bitter he's in assisted living because part of him believes I should honor that promise that Mom made to him. But you never really know what the circumstances are going to be when someone needs help. So talking about what you both want broadly — including that you don't want your loved one to become a servant to your needs — is maybe more important that the details.
What is your FIL going to do when the hired caretaker doesn't show and he needs to be at work? Has he really thought about what he is getting himself into. If I were you I'd scope out some assisted living places now before it all hits the fan and you are totally unprepared.
...the website is filled with difficult, painful, terrible experiences.
...a hypothetical discussion with your wife is a good idea - when the actual time comes concretely before us, answers are sometimes not clear. it's a very stressful time, when it actually happens for real.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent
A lot of interesting points to ponder and discuss with a spouse, I think.
I have already told my children that they will not be caring for us. I spent so many years caring for my parents, especially my mom and it nearly killed me.
I could never allow my children to sacrifice their lives for me. My husband feels the same way. They don’t owe us anything because we raised them.
We raised them to be independent and live their own lives. That’s exactly what they are doing. I want it to stay that way.
Caregiving totally changes the dynamics of a family. We have a great relationship with our daughters and I want to continue to have them as our daughters, not our caregivers.
I don't know that you can plan that far in advance!
You may have strong values you will step in & provide the care yourself? Or maybe you are dedicated to your career & know that hands-on caregiving would never be for you? Your values will shape what you will *want* to do.
What you *can* do, at some future time, will depend on so many variables. Your own health & finances, own family & other commitments.
Why not just watch & wait.
See how this current situation unfolds for your wife's family. You can all learn from that.
Then start a chat with your wife. Discuss your & her values.
With good communication you will work out a plan when you need to.
You...start now telling ur parents to not rely on you for their physical care or financial care. You have a family and jobs that come first. Your financial future is important. Trying to work and then coming home to care for someone will be exhausting. And a man taking care of his mother?
You can offer to give him a break from caregiving. Just remember there are options. If Grandmom has money, she can be placed in a nice Assisted Living or Memory care. If not, in Long-term care with Medicaid paying. Medicaid also has in home help.