Help! I hate my mom! How do I manage the feelings?

13 years is a long journey.

Give yourself a massive pat on the back now! For all that you have done 👏🤗

Wind back your mind back to when you started out... 🌞⛅️ ... what was it like?

You were younger. Fitter? How independant was Mom then? What were your daily tasks? What did your 'care load' look like?

Now? How do your days compare? What is your 'care load' now?

Ask your 13 years younger self some questions, starting with WHY.

WHY am I doing this?
Will I do this 'forever'?
Or until.. ?

If not 'forever' (hey nothing is!!)
How will I make changes when Mom's needs increase? How long will I do this for?
What will be my stopping point, my line in the sand?
What if I 'burnout'?

Venting can be good.
It can be the very first spark of resentment being lit. From anger can grow CHANGE.

Resentment is the message that you are giving too much. That it IS time for change.

What changes would you like?

It is a difficult place when you have to decide between the care of a loved one and your own well being. I kept a diary every day through my many years with my mom. I had a specific date where I wrote “burn out”. There were physical issues for me and heart issues for my husband. I resented my mom. I placed her in an ALF. The care was not perfect and I still had to oversee her care but I could come home to a peaceful home. I could stay out with friends in the evening hours. I had moments of joy…and I lost the resentment. The relationship became normal…love between a mother and daughter. I do not think I would have gotten there had she stayed in my home. What a difficult decision it was. She passed in November of 2022. But, I did get my best friend back for a few months.

As much as it is incredibly difficult, make yourself the priority.

You’re allowed to vent. We all have on this forum.

It’s time to turn the reigns over to a facility. Caregiving is not worth losing your peace of mind over.

After your mother is placed you can visit as her daughter again. Take on a new role of being her advocate instead of her full time caregiver.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

At some point you have to come to the realization that you can not do it all.
Placing mom in a facility that has staff to care for her 24/7/365 may be the best most sane, most difficult decision you can make.
Placing her in memory Care will give you the opportunity to become a daughter first once again and not a caregiver first.
Look at your profile picture. When was the last time you smiled like that? (nice photo by the way) I bet it was 13 years ago...ok, maybe 12 or 10.

When I first got here, I had no idea that I could stop the madness. I was bedridden from the stress, and I couldn’t stand the sight of my mother.

Kind posters gave me ideas. Little by little, I understood that I could get my life back. We could change course, and get my mother into a beautiful facility that has THREE shifts of people to take care of her.

You can take a small step towards freedom tomorrow morning. Call an attorney. Or, call the admissions person at a good facility near you. Find someone who knows Medicaid, if that’s what you need. Make an appt.

You have permission to have a life. Your mom has lived hers. You don’t have to completely sacrifice yours for hers. You can go back to just being her daughter.

You are in the right place. Keep reading and learning. Little by little, you can do this.

Google compassion fatigue and you'll likely see yourself in the symptoms listed. Your mother has too many issues for you to be caring for her alone any longer, you're only one human being trying to do what a whole team would be doing in a Skilled Nursing facility!

You can hate your duties w/o hating the person your mom has turned into from dementia and the other issues you list in your profile. It's ok to vent and cry out for help. Visit an elder care attorney about Medicaid or drop mom off on one of your siblings stoops tomorrow. No joke.

Hold up the white flag now and surrender. Know when to say enough.

Best of luck to you

Vent away! Have you considered placing her in a home so that you can become her daughter again? This caregiving thing 24/7 is not doable in the long run. 13 years is in my opinion much too long for anyone to endure.

You don't have to say that you hate your mother, all you have to say is "I cannot do this anymore, we have to figure something else out"!

You just tell them. Like you’ve told us.

What’s your fear? They don’t seem to be helping you. Why are you doing everything for mom?

The situation seems out of balance, but somehow it got that way. If you want it to change, you’re the one who will have to initiate that.