How do I fix my relationship with my mom?

My mom …my whole life accused me of being too happy!! She accused me of “Not normal”..her depression and roller coaster moods kept her unhappy and always wanting more. I learned through counseling..it is NOT my job to keep her happy. My job is to be sure she is safe and has meals. Assisted living does that. I am back to feeling happy again. I can not and will not continue my lifetime of trying to make her happy…took me to 70 yrs old to learn that…she is 90….good luck..

You need to be honest about your needs in an calm and adult way, and hope that she can do the same. So for example if you come home from work and she's wanting attention you tell her you've had a bad day and want some alone time until supper instead of gritting your teeth and reacting like your teen aged daughter would. Work on setting concrete boundaries - it's more effective to say mom, I'm going to chill alone in the kitchen for an hour while I make something to eat, I'll join you later than to start an argument or to grit your teeth and try not to react to her every word and her very presence. Calling or texting ahead might be helpful.

Three women in the household, mother daughter dynamics, two of you used to being the queen bee of your own homes - it probably feels like the you are subject of a sociology term paper.😉

Recommend Cloud & Townsend's book "Boundaries".

Your mother wants to be enmeshed. Setting boundaries will be the only way to potentially fix the relationship with your mother. And even then it may not fix it - she'll probably push back - that's when you stand your ground.

My mother wants to be enmeshed. What is it about some people who just want to suck the emotional life out of others? Do they realize what they're doing and just not care? Why try to get from another person what they cannot give?

It's control. Your mother wants to be in control of every aspect of your life and your daughter's. Including your feelings.
I know it's a lot worse than her just wanting you to feel exactly like she does. She probably also expects you to be able to predict her future feelings and mirror them at exactly she same time she has them.
If you can't then that will be reason to berate or be snide to you.
She doesn't care what you actually feel or think. Just so long ad you go along with her.

I remember not so long ago being at the lowest point I've ever been at in my life. So low that I seriously considered doing myself harm.
One day I was emptying a full commode and she came in to tell me all about my cousin's vacation pictures that she posted on Facebook and how cute and gorgeous she looks. When I didn't immediately start jumping for joy and begging her to see the pictures like a dog begging for a taste, she turned on the usual snideness. She gave me a dirty look and snidely said to me,
'you're never happy about anything'.

I almost struck her. I didn't, but the profanity I used was spectacular. So, I know exactly what you mean. It was then that I knew come hell or high water, I was getting out of here.
You and your mother cannot live together anymore. You and your daughter have to find a different place. If you need help with making the rent and bills, get a roommate. Good luck.

If this was anybody other than your mom, what would you do?

Some things can't be fixed, such as co-dependent relationships that feed off of one another's moods. While it sounds logical on paper to split bills and save money by cohabitating, the reality of everyday life can turn into a nightmare in short order, making you question your decision in the first place. My mother would have driven me insane immediately and I knew that, so IL and then AL was the plan.

At 72, you mom can easily live 2 more decades, although you don't say what health issues she suffers from. You know YOU will suffer from some of your own, along w your daughter, if the situation isn't remedied, so what is your plan moving forward? I suggest you help mom find a senior apartment of her own where she can have autonomy and you can all find peace again, which you deserve. I grew up w mom's mom living in our home and it destroyed my childhood. Had mom been willing to recognize the toll their dysfunctional relationship had on ME, she'd have made other living arrangements for grandma. I'm not saying this to be mean or to upset you, but to give you a possible perspective from the teenagers point of view. Have a heart to heart talk with your DAUGHTER and go from there. You are not a bad daughter yourself for putting her first.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

I don't get it - someone expects someone else to be in their mood? Is this a new thing? Have I missed something all my life? Some kind of moodfulness?

I've noticed that when we're around other happy people, we tend to feel happy too. When we're around depressed people, sometimes it's a struggle not to feel depressed right along with them.

I can't imagine feeling depressed and wanting others to feel like I do! Or joyful, but a roommate's dog just died, so I expect her to feel joyful right along with me but she can't, and then I get mad. Ummmm, what?

If there's anything we should feel entitled to, it's our own emotions and authentic selves.

I don't think most families have this rule. Maybe mom could live with a roommate closer to her own age who won't let her dominate and control her feelings.

"she wants me to be in her mood". But you aren't. So..?

I'm not sure I quite understand what you want or need?

You may want Mom to change, but that's up to her.

I do know my energy gets drained by certain people - so I try to limit exposure to them.

Do you need less time together? Or a standard reply you can use eg "Mom, you can feel however you feel. I'm a separate person to you, so naturally I have my own feelings."

Hopefully its your house. I have a moody daughter. When she is in a bad mood, she stays to herself. So thats what Mom needs to do. Because she is moody does not mean u need to be too. And if you want to be alone, you should be aloud to. I have a den I go off to. Maybe your bedrooms can be ur sanctuaries. Have a chair and TV in there.

Look at your living together as roommates. Each one of you having a life if your own where each other is not invited into. What Mom needs to realize is if she is in a bad mood, everyone else is not obliged to be. When she gets like that, point her to her room. You all need lives of your own. Mom needs to find her own life. Its not yours or daughters responsibility to make her happy. And you make sure you have a life. Mom does not need to be involved in everything you do.

Mandi, your mother is only 72, but I'm thinking ahead...

Do you work outside the home? Does your D go to school? If so, what does your mother do during the day?

I looked Buena Vista up, and it is rural and isolated, yes? What's going to happen if your mother needs caregiving? Are you the plan for that? Do you want to be the plan for that? If not, then start planning for how to extricate yourself from this situation.

Where would your mother live if it wasn't with you? How long has she been living with you?